There's One, Only!

PGH: Tagline For Air America

It was a dark and stormy night. Thunder flashed and lightning rolled across the land. Suddenly there was a scream…

I bolted upright in bed. Last time I read old Snoopy cartoons before bed, I thought. I got up to get a glass of water to steady my nerves. As I walked by the door to my office, I noticed a tape recorder sitting on my desk. That shouldn’t be there. I thought I left that in the fridge. Too fuddled to think clearly, due to lost sleep, I pressed the play button.

*Beep* ‘Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find possible taglines for the new liberal radio’s Air America website. If you refuse to accept the assignment, the Alliance will be forced to tell the IRS about those *ahem* business deals you had last year. Of course we will disavow all knowledge of your actions if you are caught while attempting this mission. Kinda a one way deal here, eh?

Oh, by the way, the chair you are sitting in will self destruct in 5 seconds…’

My chair!?

*BOOM*

I dove over the desk just as the chair exploded into foam and plastic shrapnel. The back of the chair arced up and over and came down directly on the erase button on the tape recorder, deleting the message.

Man… that was my favorite swivel chair.

I slipped into some dark clothes as I realized that it was yet again time for another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE
(Cue Theme Music)

My blogless brother was still laid up from our last mission together, so I knew that I would have to do this one on my own. So instead of hacking in through the computer from the safety of home, I would have to physically enter the den of liberal whackos.

I ran out to the driveway and hopped into my Jeep. Then, realizing that I didn’t have my keys and that I had locked myself out of the house, climbed back in through a window to find them. This should be good practice for breaking into the Liberal Radio Headquarters.

Once I had found my keys, I drove straight to the LRH. I knew right where to go. From my previous mission to infiltrate the Hippy Headquarters, I knew that the Liberal Radio Headquarters was in an adjoining building. Breaking in would be easier as I now knew the security arrangements.

I parked next to the telephone pole I had used on my last escape from this compound. I thought that it might come in handy again. I looked at the building. It was the middle of the night and it was completely lit up. Apparently energy conservation is something that they preach, not practice. That would also explain the fleet of large SUV’s parked in front of the building.

Finding a part of the wall in shadow, I quickly scaled it and was inside the compound. I looked around and found the perfect entry to the building. The servant’s entrance. I knew that they would never bother with anyone that far below their notice.

Once inside the building, it was a simple matter to find the main office. All I had to do was go to the top floor and look for the biggest office. I guess that status symbols are very important to some people. I crossed the half-acre office and searched the desk. Finding anything in that desk would be a matter of luck. (The thing was large enough to land small aircraft on.) But I searched anyway.

Fortunately, for the sake of plot progression, I hit the jackpot. In the desk I found a memo entitled ‘Possible Taglines for the Air America Website.’

Possible Taglines for the Air America Website.

All the news that’s unfit to print.

All the fits that are news.

We are the Anti-Rush.

What happens when you tie both halves of your brain behind your back.

If you didn’t here it here, it could be the truth.

Soft money for Kerry.

The Soros propaganda service.

The fifth column.

Waaaaaaaaaah!

Feelings, nothing more than feelings.

Let us do the thinking for you.

Spatula City!

Unbalanced. Unfair. Unclear.

Look, we’re not wearing pants!

Who’s your daddy!

Interns always welcome.

We’re all doomed!

Bad things man… bad things!

There is no spoon.

We have the answer. Now, what was the question?

Don’t you ever feel like whining? Well, we do. All the time.

The left of the story.

Saying all the things the mainstream media wishes they could get away with.

Our truths are stranger than fiction.

Our truths are fiction.

We don’t even have to try to appear objective.

Mmmm… Pies.

No, we’re not associated with the CIA airdrops of supplies to anti-communist Vietnamese.

Twisting the truth for our benefit.

How to get around campaign finance laws in 5 easy steps.

America Errs.

A little spoonful of sugar helps the lie go down.

You want fries with that.

Tax tax tax tax…

Nooooo… please don’t change the channel.

We’re not in it for the ratings. Obviously.

As I read through them, I couldn't help but think What are these people on? But mine was not to understand these people, but to report back what they did.

I quickly photocopied the memo using my handy portable scanner, (don’t leave home without it) and left the office.

My exit was totally uneventful. I guess that with the programming done for the day, no one bothered to stay around but the cleaning staff. And they were pretty easy to avoid. Oh well, I had been looking forward to sliding down the phone line again, but it wasn’t necessary.

When I got home and started typing up the report, my ferret, Slinky, climbed up on the keyboard and wrote out his own little tagline.

‘ollllllllllllllllllllllu76dffffffffffffff77ufgvdru8888888piupllllluij’

Might as well put it in, I thought. It made as much sense as some of the other possibilities I had found. And as much sense as some of the things that they say, too.

Posted by GEBIV at April 14, 2004 02:41 PM