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PGH: The 9/11 Commission

I was sitting watching TV after work one evening when the screen suddenly went blank. A hazy silhouette appeared in the center of the screen as I stared at it. The voice was vaguely familiar as it started talking, but I couldn’t place who it was at first.

‘You are probably wondering why you’ve been contacted this way. Frankly, we just wanted to try out some really cool signal interrupt equipment that we just bought on e-bay. But down to business.

‘Agent GEBIV, your mission…’

Oh it’s just Harvey

‘…if you choose to accept it, is to find out the ways that have been proposed to improve the 9/11 Commission. If you are discovered, of course we will be forced to disavow any knowledge of your actions. We don’t want to have to testify before those hacks any more than anyone else. Of course, we will reserve all film rights to help finance future Alliance activities.

‘As usual, this message will self destruct in 5 seconds.’

My TV!

*BOOOOOM*

I flipped the coffee table on it’s side and hit the floor behind it as my television exploded in a shower of sparks and molten glass. Well, I thought to myself, it looks like its time… to buy that HD Widescreen TV I’ve had my eye on.

I also knew that it was time for yet another…

MISSION IMPLAUSIBLE
(Cue Theme Music)

This mission would involve some pretty tricky work. My blogless brother was out of town. He was still trying to figure out where he lived. And with the head injuries, his sense of direction wasn’t too good. I didn’t figure that I’d see him until somebody noticed the address pinned to his jacket and shipped him home.

It looked like I was going to have to go this alone. Well, maybe not completely alone. After his brilliant help on the last Alliance assignment, I decided that Slinky the wonder ferret, would be a good asset on this mission.

I packed him into his luxury travel home and hopped into the Jeep. It looked like we were going to where all of the planning and decisions on the 9/11 Commission were being made. The DNC Headquarters.

I didn’t feel like driving all of the way to Washington D.C., so I drove over to the next best place, the local Hippy Headquarters. This was a nighttime mission, so I didn’t think that hippy camouflage would be required. Besides, I wasn’t going through the front door anyways.

When I got there, I parked in the back. Slinky climbed up on my shoulder as I got out of the Jeep. Ouch. Time to trim somebody’s nails, I thought. But no time for that now, I’ve got a mission to accomplish.

We quickly snuck in through the servant’s entrance. It had proved in the past to be a very good way to gain access to the compound before. We quickly headed up to the top floor where the records offices were. Unfortunately, this time the door was locked. I figured that they had some secrets that they didn’t want getting out.

Spying a nearby air duct, I got an idea. Using my handy-dandy Swiss army knife, I quickly pried the cover off of the duct. ‘OK Slinky, it’s up to you,’ I said. ‘Just work your way through there and unlock the door.’

He scampered down the vent with all of the sounds of a dog chewing an aluminum can. About 10 minutes later, he was back. Giving me a dirty look, he pantomimed not being able to get out of the vent into the records office because of the cover at the other end.

While I was trying to figure out how he could use my Swiss army knife to open the cover, he bounced across the floor to the cat flap in the door. ‘Or you could do that,’ I said. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye as I opened the now unlocked door.

This time, I knew where to find what I was looking for. I went straight for the ‘S’ section and pulled the ‘Stupid Ideas’ file. After a few seconds of riffling through the folder, I found what I needed. A memo from the DNC to the Commission on ways of improving.

To: Partisan members of the 9/11 Commission

From: DNC Headquarters

RE: Ways of improving the usage of the Commission, or at least the TV ratings

It has come to our attention that the 9/11 Commission has been accused of being a partisan witch-hunt with no regard to actual useful results. While this is true, it has hurt our ratings and no one is watching us; and that is of course, the whole reason for having it.

To help or ratings, our think tank has come up with the following suggestions:

Blame Rush Limbaugh for everything.

Force the witnesses brought before the Commission to be handcuffed and tied to the chair

Use a bright light pointed directly in their faces

Create the 9/11 Commission drinking game; one drink for every interruption by a questioner, two drinks for every foot in mouth, etc.

Every time the witness says something you disagree with, weather the truth or not, zap them with electrodes hidden in the chair.

Subpoena famous sports figures for no reason. Allow them to make any political speech they want as long as it aligns with standard liberal propaganda.

Announce that the when a donkey symbol flashes on the screen, the 10th caller to say ‘I love Liberals’ wins $1000.

While none of these suggestions will change the appearance of partisan politics, they should help us compete with all of the other ultra liberal programming on the air. After all, we aren’t intersed in the people who want to see a fair and balanced investigation.

I was stunned. They had stolen my idea for the drinking game.

Slinky and I quickly left the building. We knew that we had to get this information back to Alliance HQ in a hurry.

Plus, I had to trim Slinky’s nails.

Posted by GEBIV at April 21, 2004 08:47 PM