There's One, Only!

PGH: Iraqi Document Scandal

I had just made the finishing touches on my new trophy case. After 15 hours of work, the varnish was all dry and it was ready for my priceless Hole-In-One ball. I ran out to my Jeep, where the ball was still locked in the glove box. Normally, I am a relatively calm and collected person, but I was absolutely bubbling with over with a sort of gloating glee. I couldn’t wait to show off the fact that I had hit a Hole In One!

I was walking back to the house, a little bit slower, so to convey the impression of a solemn ceremony. Even with no one watching, I wanted this to be a meaningful occasion. I paused in the light from the door to brush a bit of lint from the precious dimpled surface, and something seemed wrong. I could see a line where the dimple pattern didn’t quite line up. What the…

I gave the ball a little twist to line it back up, and it came apart into two pieces. I was stunned. I had just destroyed the priceless memento of my greatest athletic achievement. Yet at the same time, a little part of my brain was saying, Cool, I’ve never seen what was in the center of a golf ball before. While my ego was dazed, this part took over. Stupid curiosity.

Poking and prodding at the freshly revealed inner core of the ball, I realized that it was paper. Funny, I would have thought that they used some sort of space-age material. A little more poking, and the paper popped out into my hand. The hair was standing up on the back of my neck, but I unfolded it and read…

‘Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you accept it, is to find What further scandals will examination of Iraqi documents reveal? If you refuse to do this mission, you will make me angry… and you don’t want to make me angry, you wouldn’t like it. For this mission, you will have the help of our crack research staff, but only until 5:00PM…’

I quickly checked my watch. 5:03. Nuts

‘After then, you are on your own. Remember, if you are discovered, we will be forced to disavow all knowledge of your actions. So good luck and get going.’

But what about my hole in one ball? I couldn’t believe it, Harvey had destroyed my hole in one ball to send me an assignment. I turned the paper over as I noticed more writing.

‘Oh, if you’re wondering about your hole in one ball, it never existed. We made you believe that you had hit a hole in one on the last mission just to get that assignment to you. Your ball really ended up somewhere in a cow field. I hope you didn’t spend too much time on that trophy case. This ball was then substituted for the one in your Jeep. You really ought to lock your doors more often.’

I was devestated. My shining moment of glory had been ripped from me and crushed before my eyes. What else could go wrong?

‘Of course, this message will self destruct in 5 seconds…’

I crumpled the paper and threw it as hard as I could. Just to be safe, I also threw the remains of the golf ball with it.

As the double explosion lit up the night, I realized that it was once again, time for another hair raising…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

I grabbed the phone and quickly dialed my blogless brother’s phone. Hopefully, he would be able to give me the technical help I might need. He picked up on the first ring.

‘Hello?’ His voice sounded a little less muddled than the last time.

‘Culbrez, I need your help.’

‘What do you need?’

‘Can you help me hack into the UN computers again?’ I knew that we would need access to the UN files to get at the Iraqi documents.

‘Sure. Meet you there.’ Click.

Well, maybe he wasn’t thinking quite on the same level as me. But I could only hope that he meant to meet him at his house. I drove right over. The pile of mail was gone from in front of his door, so it looked like he had finally found his way home. I went inside and found him sitting in front of his computers.

‘What took you so long?’ He asked when I walked in. I refrained from a snappy comeback. I needed his help too much.

‘Never mind that, I need to find those Iraqi files.’

We started right in on the hacking. Most of the stuff we found wasn’t really news. Things that like the Food For Oil Program, had already been exposed to the world.

And then we found it, the vilest, most nauseating secret that the UN had been covering up. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was quite possibly the most corrupt thing ever put onto a computer. My blogless brother couldn’t handle the onslaught of loathsomeness and ran screaming from the room. Unfortunately, with his hands covering his eyes, he was unable to see where the door was, and ran clean through the wall. Really unfortunately, he ran through an outside wall and we were on the second floor. Luckily, he didn’t damage the shrubs too badly when he hit.

I however, am made of sterner stuff. I forced myself to read the document. After what seemed like hours of torture, I had learned more of evil than I had ever dreamed. The dreadful news, Kofi Annan had been using the Food For Oil Program to fund his attempt to gain control of all of the world’s governments with the intention of setting himself up as world leader. And he was creating this government along the basis of a Broadway musical!

I was able to get this much proof. The new anthem of the world government, to be sung in praise of the Secretary General.

GENERAL:

I am the very model of a Secretary-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the Queen of England, and I cause the fights historical
From Afghanistan to Serbia, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters corruptable,
I understand extortion, both the simple and quadratical,
About taking kickbacks I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about hiding all of the loot.

ALL:
With many cheerful facts about hiding all of the loot.
With many cheerful facts about hiding all of the loot.
With many cheerful facts about hiding all of the loot.

GENERAL:
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I use them both to hide all of my personal debt:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a Secretary-General.

ALL:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a Secretary-General.

GENERAL:
I know liberal history, Bill Clinton and his Camelot;
I answer hard questions, always with a paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of his lovely wife,
Of cronies I can say that they run my life;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,
And buy them all while saying you don’t do enough for the poor.

ALL:
And buy them all while saying you don’t do enough for the poor.
And buy them all while saying you don’t do enough for the poor.
And buy them all while saying you don’t do enough for the poor.

GENERAL:
Then I can write a dinner bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of a Peacekeeper uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a Secretary-General.

ALL:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a Secretary-General.

GENERAL:
In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin",
While I can’t tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
When I haven’t learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I don’t know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery--
In short, when I don’t have a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a Secretary-General was never as bad as me.

ALL:
You'll say a Secretary-General was never as bad as me.
You'll say a Secretary-General was never as bad as me.
You'll say a Secretary-General was never as bad as me.

GENERAL:
For my lack of knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Having only one thought since the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a Secretary-General.

ALL:
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a Secretary-General.

The rest of the material was too vile to be related to the rest of the world. Suffice to say, you don’t even want to know what the costumes he was going to force upon the world would have been like. Or who his romantic female lead was… (shudder)

Posted by GEBIV at April 28, 2004 08:11 PM