May 14, 2004

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Fed-Ex Package

I was sprawled on a lounge chair waiting for the pool to fill up. The heat and humidity had sapped all of my energy, and all I could do was wait for the cool refreshing water to reach the proper depth for a swim. I glanced over to the pool, interrupting my in depth study of the clouds, and noticed a small toad sitting in the shallow end, right above the slowly rising water line. I knew that even the chlorine levels of the tap water would be enough to eventually kill it. And I couldn’t stand the thought of it dying in the pool. It would clog the filter up something fierce.

So I peeled myself off of the plastic chair and climbed down into the pool. The little creature just sat there, and was no problem to catch. As I picked it up, it started talking to me.

My first thought was that I had been out in the sun a little too long. This was confirmed by my second thought Cool, a talking frog. Then, as I started to pay attention to what it was saying, I comprehended what it really meant.

“Agent GEBIV, you mission, if you choose to accept it (croak), is to determine what was in the Fed-Ex package Evil Glenn received this week. (Ribbit) If you are discovered, we will probably be able to spring for bail. (croak) Harvey had a good day at the tables, and the Alliance is pretty flush right now. But try not to get caught, it would hurt our year end bonuses.

“This message will (croak) in 5 seconds…”

I threw the robotic-toad-messenger into the deep end and scrambled out of the pool. I rolled over the lip of the concrete patio just as a twenty-foot geyser erupted from the water. As the water splashed down all around me, I realized that it was yet again time for another…

(Cue Theme Music)

I knew that computer abilities would be unnecessary on this mission, so blogless brother Culbrez wouldn’t be needed. Which was a good thing. The last I had seen him, he had been trying to photograph the sun again. (“Ahhhhhhh. My eyes. They burn.”) So he was out of commission anyway.

But this assignment looked like it was just up the alley for Slinky, the Wonder Ferret, and me. I grabbed his luxury travel case, jumped in the Jeep and headed to Evil Glenn’s Evil Fortress. (On an aside, never try to put a ferret in anything but luxury accommodations. The only time that I made that mistake he made his displeasure known very quickly. Fortunately, none of the nerve damage was permanent.)

We arrived at Evil Glenn’s shortly after nightfall. My timing, or my luck was nearly perfect. Unfortunately, Evil Glenn had beefed up security since the last time I had been there. I wasn’t worried about the squads of Attack Rabbits; Slinky could take care of them. But the machine-gun nests with the spotlight towers would be a little too much for me to sneak by. But I had the perfect solution.

“OK, Slinky. I need you to go in there and get the Fed-Ex package that Evil Glenn recently received. Got it?”

He nodded his furry little head once and disappeared into the darkness. The only sign I had of his passage were the squads of Attack Rabbits fleeing in terror. That, and the occasional shape of dead rabbits picked out by the spotlights.

A few minutes later, he was back. He was dragging a box behind him as he bounced into view. It was a plain brown box, but I could just make out the address label on the top.

Acme Novelties 1313 Novelty Drive Hollywood, CA 08934

Evil Glenn
Evil Glenn’s Evil Fortress
1 Evil Fortress Drive
Tennessee 74612

But when I opened it, it was empty. Slinky brought me just the box. I wasn’t sure, but I had the feeling that he was enjoying this.

“All right,” I said to him. “I need you to get what was IN the box. Understand?”

Once again, he nodded his head and disappeared into the night. This time, I couldn’t track him at all. There were no rabbits left in the entire compound. Finally, at least fifteen minutes later, he was back again. I wasn’t able to make out what he had until he came right up to the tree I was sitting under. As he jumped up to me, he dumped a handful of small white objects into my lap.

“Packing Nuts?!?” This time I knew he was making fun of me. There was no way that he could have thought that this was what I wanted. And to top it off, he was lying on his back laughing so hard he had to clutch his stomach.

I picked him up by his scruff and held him up at eye level. Big mistake.

A few minutes later, I had most of the bleeding stopped and was giving him orders again. “Please, please Slinky. I need you to bring me back something that shows what Evil Glenn got from Fed-Ex. There’s a bag of banana treats in it for you.”

The gleam in his eye told me that he had what he wanted out of the deal, and again, he slipped off into the compound. Almost an hour went by, and then he was back. In his paws he had a small slip of paper.

I carefully unfolded it and read.

Congratulations on your new purchase. Here at Acme Novelties, we endeavor to produce the best quality products in the industry. Our quality control testing surpasses even that used by Major League Baseball’s drug testing program.

We hope that you will have many years of productive use out of your new purchase. And we thank you for giving us your business.

Stupid ferret, this is worthless. I turned to give Slinky a piece of my mind, and he jumped up and turned the paper over. Oh, the other side.

Order Invoice:

One (1) container, all purpose penguin polish.

Ewwwwww. I didn’t want to learn anything more of Evil Glenn that night, so I packed Slinky back up in his luxury travel case, tossed in his bag of banana treats (you never go back on a deal with a ferret...), and climbed back into the Jeep.

Maybe the pool will be ready by the time I get home.

Posted by GEBIV at May 14, 2004 09:22 PM

LOL!!! Another great implausible mission!!

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