There's One, Only!

Evil Glenn's Children

I had just finished a long day of heavy lifting. Whenever I closed my eyes, all I could see was boxes being stacked on boxes. And then they were moved into new piles somewhere else. And then it started all over again; put box on truck, drive truck, put box in storage.

It was all my blogless brother’s fault. A bit of good news and bad news, and a little bit of worse news all rolled together. The good news: my blogless brother finally figured out where he lived. The bad news: it was in Ohio, four hours away. The worse news: I had to help him move.

At last, at the end of a day of unwanted labor, I suggested we soak in the hot tub and relieve our aching muscles. As we sat there soaking and looking up at the stars, out of nowhere, a large owl swooped down and landed on my blogless brother’s head. We both did the only sensible thing we could think of and ducked down beneath the surface of the water. From the sound of screaming that I could hear through the water, I deduced that this did not please the owl. When I finally ran out of air, and had to surface, my brother was only half conscious and clinging to the side of the tub. His naturally strawberry-blonde hair was becoming a slightly deeper shade of red as the owl’s talons worked themselves into his scalp.

Silently, I cursed myself for going in the water without my dive knife. This was just the sort of reason why you always keep one with you; that, and the occasional pool shark. I was just starting to contemplate going hand to hand with it, when I noticed a small cylinder attached to the owl’s leg.

Oh great, another assignment from Harvey. I thought. I was right.

As soon as I popped the message cylinder off of the owl’s leg, it immediately took flight and disappeared into the night. Owls aren’t the symbol for wisdom for nothing.

I unfolded the paper, and read the words that I was all ready starting to regret…

“Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to determine what names Evil Glenn would use for his children. The fate of the entire world could rest on the information that you uncover. With a mission, this important, you would rightfully expect the full aid and support of the entire Alliance. So it wouldn’t really be fair that if you were discovered, we would disavow all knowledge of your actions. But that’s what we will do. So don’t get caught.

This message will self destruct in 5 seconds…”

I quickly threw the balled up paper straight up into the darkness and ducked back underwater. As the resulting fireball lit up the night for miles around, I knew that it was time for yet another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

Unfortunately for my blogless brother, he hadn’t regained enough consciousness to duck under the water when I did. But on the plus side, the intense heat from the blast cauterized all of the owl scratches on his head. And he won’t have to pay for a haircut for several months.

I revived him by dunking him, headfirst, into the still chilly water of the rest of the pool. Soon, he was coherent, and we quickly set up his laptop and satellite up-linked modem on the picnic table.

First, we were going to check Evil Glenn’s personal records, to see if he already had any children. But we decided there would be too much risk of actually seeing the result of Evil Glenn reproducing, so we changed tactics. Instead, we hacked into his personal journal; the files where he puts his most personal thoughts. Thoughts that were so personal, he wouldn’t even dream of posting them on the Internet.

After firing up a powerful search engine that Culbrez had been creating in his spare time, we found what we were looking for. An entry in Evil Glenn’s personal diary.

Dear Diary,

It was such a rough day ruling the blogsphere today. I swear, the one more “Indeed” and my fingers will just DIE. ::pout:: That pesky Frank J. is bothering me again. I think I’d like to punch him. Whenever I think about him, my puppy-shakes just seem to loose their zing. I may have to start blending babies again to get back to my old form, and you know how the police always make a big stink over that. ::shudder::

Oh, I had a wonderful evening with Fatty Sue last night. The only thing is, she doesn’t want any children yet. I guess she just doesn’t hear her biological clock ticking away ::tick tock tick tock:: like I do. I spent the whole morning just daydreaming about what we would name our kids.

If we had a girl, I think I’d like to name her Wrap. That way, when we went to visit all of my communist buddies in China, they would call her Reynolds Wrap. Heh, silly Asians.

I’d like a boy though. We would name him Little Evil Glenn. I’d call him Leg for short. Just think of all the fun Leg and I would have beating hobos and training Attack Rabbits.

I asked Fatty Sue what she would name a girl if she had one. She says that she would name her Betty, after her hero Betty Crocker. (silly girl)

Then I asked her what she would name a boy. Do you believe she said "Harvey"? I asked her why, and she said that she thought that the boy should be named after his father.

Posted by GEBIV at May 21, 2004 08:21 PM