The Fed-Ex guy ringing my doorbell woke me up way too early. I pulled on a robe and stumped down to the door. Blinking myopically at the figure in uniform standing in front of me, I signed for the package. He placed the large box on the porch, and gave me my receipt. Then, he handed me a letter in a plain manila envelope. Still a little groggy from lack of enough sleep, I tore open the envelope and read the typed letter inside.
AgentJeepboyGEBIV,Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to
subject yourself todiscover whatGlenn Reynolds, Esq.Evil Glenn isgoing toplanning to do for revenge to thedeluded bloggersAlliance of Free Bloggers.To accomplish this mission, you are directed to go to the Buffalo Zoo, and
make out withstakeout the Penguin exhibit. You will need to do this under-cover, so, inside the large package that was delivered with this message, you will find thehumiliatingnecessary costume needed to successfully complete this mission.Do not open the package, until you get to your stakeout position.
This mission is of the utmost importance. So don’t delay in starting.
GleHarvey
Boy, Harvey needs to get a new typist, I thought to myself. Those are some of the worst typos I’ve ever seen.
I ran upstairs to get my glasses (no time for contacts), and then ran right out to the Jeep. As I roared off down the street, I realized that it was time for another…
MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)
When I got to the Zoo, I followed the signs to the penguin habitat. Once there, I looked around for a place to change. I spotted an open door in the building attached to the back of the habitat, and looking around to see if anyone would stop me, I ducked inside. Unfortunately, as I opened up the box that I had brought with me, I knocked the door shut, locking it. The dim light was just enough to change into the costume. But not quite bright enough to see what I was putting on.
Once I had the costume on, I was all ready to begin my stakeout. I checked the door again, but it was still locked. Stumbling around in the darkened room, I was, eventually, to find another exit. It was a smaller door, but it seemed to lead out. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very sure at the time. I couldn’t see out of the costume too well.
Finally, I staggered out into the open. At least I thought it was open. My progress was suddenly brought to a halt by my smashing headfirst into a large pane of glass. Then, as if the sound of my collision was a cue, bright lights went on all around me.
While I was standing there blinded, I heard a voice come out of a speaker that seemed to be in the ceiling.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the worlds greatest wonder...”
I know that voice!
“JEEPBOY, THE TRANSVESTITE PENGUIN!!!!”
Just then, I noticed my reflection in the glass in front of me. I was standing in the middle of a penguin diorama and was dressed in this… perversion.
“You filthy, disgusting, perverted, slimy excuse for a human!” I shouted.
“Lawyer.”
Then, through the glare of the cameras that were now going off all over the place, I was able to make out a figure in an opera cape, socks and sandals sitting at a control panel on the other side of the glass. It was Evil Glenn himself.
Completely embarrassed, and more than a little enraged, I looked around for something to hide behind. No luck. There was nothing in the display larger than the small penguins I was standing among.
Finally, I snapped. I reached down and grabbed one of the fake penguins and threw it as hard as I could at Evil Glenn. (In an interesting turn of fate, it happened that the fake penguins in the display were all stolen lawn ornaments that Evil Glenn had liberated in his travels.) This meant that the little sucker was solid concrete, and was more than massive enough to go straight through the glass between us.
The concrete penguin missile then struck Evil Glenn squarely in the forehead before deflecting off and embedding itself in the wall behind him. I stomped over to where Evil Glenn was lying while tearing off the costume.
As I approached where he was lying, a black mist swirled up around him, and when it dissipated, he was gone.
While I was sulking back to my car, I figured out how I had been set up. I pulled the letter out of my pocket and turned it over. Sure enough, the “Product of Evil Glenn Industries” watermark on the back told me that this letter wasn’t from Harvey at all. The whole thing had been a trap from the beginning. I drove home, vowing to myself to get back at Evil Glenn someday, somehow.
Only, one thing was still bothering me. If the letter I had received was a fake, what happened to the real Alliance Assignment? It was the right time of the week for it.
Then, pulling into the driveway at home, I noticed the crater where the mailbox had been. A pair of Government Issue shoes at the edge told me all I needed to know. I knew the mailman had been reading my mail…