June 16, 2004

PGH: Terrorist Olympics

GEBIV: Welcome everybody to the live broadcast of the first Terrorist Olympic track and field events. We’re bringing you the action live from an undisclosed location somewhere in the Middle East. Of course, we were not formally invited. Only CNN is here in an official status. But we were allowed to join this Special Forces unit as they maintain their surveillance of this terrorist training camp. Say hello to our listeners guys.

Soldiers: Ooh-rah!

GEBIV: Thanks guys. And joining with me as the color analyst is my blogless brother Culbrez. So, blogless brother of mine, what do you think of the events that we have lined up for today?

Culbrez: Well, I’d have to say that for the terrorists, the advantage has to go to Al Qaeda. They have the best funding. But don’t overlook the Basques or the PLO. They’re known as guys who never give up. Even when they’ve already lost.

GEBIV: Good points. OK, lets get to the action. First up is the dynamite relay.

Culbrez: This is run just like a standard thousand meter relay race, but with a stick of dynamite. On a pretty short fuse I might add.

GEBIV: And there’s the starting gun! Ooh, bad luck for the PLO runner. It looks like the starter shot him in the left thigh. He’s really starting to lag behind. And there goes the exchange for the Al Qaeda team. They’ve got a pretty good lead going and… oh no, the Al Qaeda runner has just veered off into the crowd. That’s going to hurt his time. And, yes, I believe that the PLO runner has just thrown his dynamite into the judges’ stand. That got him lots of cheers from the spectators, but will seriously hurt the PLO’s chance at a medal.


GEBIV: Looks like the Al Qaeda runner has just blown up in the crowd at the third turn of the track. That means that the other sticks should be going off any second now.


GEBIV: That’s the end of that race. It looks like the ELF runners got the farthest. I guess that makes them the winners of this event.

Culbrez: Yeah, they might have even finished the race before the dynamite went off if they hadn’t swerved to go around those ants.

GEBIV: Yes, too bad they blew up that family of liberals near the final turn, but there’s always more where they came from. It looks like the officials have rounded up a few new judges and are ready for the next event.

Culbrez: It looks like they’re going to be doing the Pole Vault next. This is where they have to jump a Pole, and lock him in a large safe for ransom.

GEBIV: I think that this will be a tough event for the terrorists. Our sources tell us that the Pole, Michael Szafranski, they kidnapped is a former member of GROM, the Polish Special Forces. I don’t think that this will be the ‘piece of Baklava’ that the Syrians said they thought it would be. As there is only one Pole for this event, all of the teams will be starting at the same time to grab him. The one that manages to lock him in the vault gets the gold, and the precious overall medal points.

Culbrez: Some of the Special Forces guys here tell me that we may be in for a bit of a surpise!

GEBIV: Well there they go. Looks like the starter missed all of the “athletes” this time. And… wow! What a turnaround. It looks like that Pole was armed to the teeth. I don’t know where he managed to hide it, but the M-60 that he just pulled out of nowhere is just mowing down the contestants. He’s just killed the last of them and is running out of the arena. Our Special Forces friends here are getting ready to cover his escape, but it looks like that won’t be necessary. He’s so completely stunned the crowd that none of them are even trying to catch him. It looks like he’s in the clear and on his way up to our position in the overlooking hills.

Culbrez: I’ve just been told the story by one of the Special Forces. It seems that last night, a few of them snuck down into the area where he was being held and slipped him a little “equalizer.” They offered to just bring him out then, but he wanted to stick around and show them what happens when they try to jump him when he’s not already asleep.

GEBIV: Well, it looks like he showed them the error of their ways all right. And here he is now. Mr. Szafranski, would you like to say a few words to our listeners?

Michael Szafranski: Well, I just want to say that I’m glad I got a chance to make them take one for their teams. I also want to say that I would like to dedicate this small victory to the memory of Ronald Reagan. He showed us what to do to terrorists a long time ago.

GEBIV: I have to agree with you on that. He did it so well, that the Libyans didn’t even field a team for these games. And we’ll be right back with more after a word from our sponsors.





(Sorry, France and Germany have sold out.)


GEBIV: Welcome back! Next up is the two hundred meter hurdles. The “athletes” are all lined up and ready to go.

Culbrez: Just a little note for our listeners, the hurdles used here are rolls of cantina wire. This makes them a little shorter than Olympic standard hurdles.

GEBIV: Yes, but that is more than offset by the fact that they are made of razor wire and that each runner is carrying 25 kilos of plastic explosive.

Culbrez: I have to say that you’re right on that one. The winner in this event is the terrorist who can get past the hurdles and blow up the bunker at the finish line first, right.

GEBIV: That’s correct. And they’re off. Ouch, another piece of bad luck for the PLO team. It looks like the starter got this one right in the head. It almost looks like the starting officials are singling them out.

Culbrez: Maybe that’s because all of the track officials are Hamas members?

GEBIV: Yes, they seem to be a little annoyed that the PLO leadership decided that none of them could qualify for the games… And back to the action. It looks like the Syrian runner has gotten bogged down after the second hurdle. He was out in front, but I don’t think that he will be able to maintain his lead while loosing that much blood. And he’s down.


But not without taking the other teams with him. He was nowhere near the finish line, but he set off his explosives anyways.

Culbrez: I think that just like in the relay race, whoever got the farthest is ruled the winner.

GEBIV: And it looks like they are going to give the victory to the Basques in this event. It looks like their runner won it by a nose… or is that an ear?

Special Forces Sniper Spotter: It looks like the left ear to me, sir.

GEBIV: Well there you have it. The Basques win by an ear. And I think that the next event is the long jump.

Culbrez: Our informants tell us that in this event, the “athletes” will be jumping to see who can get the farthest across a small field of landmines. They’ll each be carrying five sticks of dynamite, and the distance is measured to the center of the crater. In the event of a tie on the distance, the one who made the largest crater wins.

GEBIV: The strong favorite here has to be the North Koreans. They’ve grown up with minefield on their border, so they know just how to hit one to set it off just right. It looks like the officials have decided to have all of the contestants jump at the same time across a wide swath of minefield. And there they go, they all have a good run up… and the Taliban entry has balked. That won’t sit too well with his bosses. And down he goes. The “jump or get shot” standards have to be maintained or none of the events would ever get done.

We’re just waiting for the smoke to clear to see who the winner is. And we have a surprise! It looks like the PLO jumper has failed to hit any of the mines. He’s standing, completely unharmed on the far side of the minefield. That’s too bad for him. Even though he jumped the farthest, he will be disqualified for not having a crater. And the results are in, and the North Koreans have taken the gold as expected.

Culbrez: Well, it looks like the officials have taken care of the PLO jumper. The starter for the 50-meter dash has just shot him in the back.

GEBIV: And those runners are off. This event is pretty straightforward. If you discount the mortars they are carrying and the .50 cal machine guns urging them on.

Culbrez: Always important considerations.

GEBIV: Well, it looks like the planners did their jobs a little too well again. No survivors from this event either. I think that they are going to give this one to the plucky PLO runner.

Culbrez: You’ve got to give them credit for being able to field a team at all with most of their leadership being hunted down by the Mossad.

GEBIV: And that brings us to the final event of the day. The marathon.

Culbrez: The runners started about three hours ago and have been slogging their way through the inhospitable terrain while carrying several of the heavier, key components for a nuclear bomb. Our spotters have sighted the lead runners and say they should be entering the arena any minute now.

GEBIV: And here they come now. It looks like the Al Qaeda runner is in the lead. He’s in the final stretch and he’s approaching the final turn of the track.

Special Forces Spotter: Ok, the targets in range.

Special Forces Commander: Roger. Strike force inbound.

GEBIV: And the runners are approaching the finish line…


GEBIV: Well folks, that looks like the end of the games for this year. A strike force of US planes has just leveled the entire arena.

Culbrez: It looked like the Al Qaeda runner was in the lead when the laser guided bombs hit.

GEBIV: That would be pretty irrelevant at this point, as all of the judges were caught up in the blast too. And I think that will be the end of the broadcast for today. We’ll be bringing you the next series of events, the indoor gymnastic events, as soon as the undisclosed location for them is announced.

Posted by GEBIV at June 16, 2004 08:45 PM


And will the gymnastics feature Kerry & Kennedy in the synchronized flip-flop event? :-)

Posted by: Harvey at June 16, 2004 10:47 PM

Best.assignment.ever! Even funnier than the mission improbables!

Posted by: Susie at June 17, 2004 01:13 AM
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