October 06, 2004

PGHA: Advice from the Middle East

Earlier this morning, I just happened to intercept an e-mail to professional Vietnam Veteran and Presidential Candidate, John Kerry from one of his supporters.

It was an accident! I swear! I didn’t do anything illegal. It just showed up in my mailbox. Besides, by the time you get the warrant, I’ll have deleted all of the software anyways.

But without any further ado, here is the letter that I “found.”

From: muqti81@jihad.com

Date: October 6, 2004

To: sweethotpants@ussenate.gov

Subj: Campaign Suggestions


I heard that you and your “buddy” Edwards are having a little trouble dealing with that Bush-Hitler fellow. Here’s a little advice that I think will help.

Whenever I have any competition with the leaders of my people, what I do is invite them to meet me in some out of the way place. Then as soon as there are no witnesses around… Oh wait, Ossama says that he’s tried that with Bush-Hitler and those pesky Secret Service Agents keep getting in the way.

Oh, by the way, Ossama says “Hi.”

OK, I guess that you’ll have to try something else. How about this. Whenever I have to face off against the Americans, I promise everything that they want to hear, but I keep my fingers crossed behind my back so that I can go back on whatever I said. (Silly infidels) When Bush-Hitler wants to debate you, just agree to all of the rules he asks for, and then do whatever you want. He’ll be so busy trying not to look like the bad guy that they won’t make any fuss at what you’re doing. And you don’t need to keep your word to him because no one would believe his side of the story anyways.

Ooh, here’s a good one from Ossama. Call him the “Great Satan” whenever he does something you don’t agree with. (I guess in Ossama’s case, that includes breathing.)

Another thing that I found, is that if you keep all of your guns and bombs in Holy places, they almost never find them. So if you have any secrets that you don’t want Bush-Hitler to get his hands on, I suggest hiding them in your family holy book. I guess that would be a Bible or something for you, but I would suggest using a Qu’ran. Your media won’t say anything bad about a Moslem in your country.

That’s another thing you could do. Convert. If your not too attached to your old religion it’s pretty easy. Just change your name, wrap your women up in a burkah, (an added benefit in Teresa’s case) and there you go. Just think of all of the free press you would get. And anytime the Bush-Hitler disagrees with you. Just call the infidel a religious bigot.

Ossama wants me to say, “Call him Bush-Hitler!” Stupid Ossama. We’ve been doing that for months already. But hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Remember, if you say something enough, the Mainstream Media will believe it has to be true.

Back to the guns and bombs thing, if you have a bunch of not-too-bright followers, the best thing to do is give them a lot of ammunition, a target, and very little support. In your case, I guess that your ammunition would be all of the lies you keep making up about him. Arm a bunch of your not-to-bright followers and just throw them at your opponent. Eventually, either you’ll run out of followers, or you’ll take him down. What have you got to lose? If you don’t win your election, you won’t have any followers anyways.

Ossama’s bugging me again. He says not to keep saying Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. I guess he doesn’t want everyone focusing on him again. I keep telling him not to worry. If you win, you’ll never actually try to catch him. Because to your supporters, just chasing Ossama is “fighting the war on terror.” If you actually caught him, then you would have to do something actually productive. And we know that our mutual friends from Paris wouldn’t like that.

One last thing that I think you should do. Keep talking up the numbers of US soldiers killed in Iraq. I like that 90% number that John-boy Edwards used in his debate. But don’t let them talk about the Iraqi policemen who are killed. We both know that they don’t count, even though my friends and I have killed hundreds of them. Anyways, keep crying about the US soldiers getting killed and I’ll do whatever I can to see that the number keeps going up. That should help your poll numbers a lot.

Keep in touch. And remember, if you get elected, I’m one foreign leader who would love to help you govern Iraq.

Yours truly,

Muqtada al-Sadr

P.S. Ossama would like to know if you could send him some more ketchup. He’s almost out, and the goat-meat is starting to get a little ripe. You know which cave to send it to. Thanks.

I guess that if we see any more of these strategies popping up, we’ll know where they came from.

We’ll also know that I wasn’t able to intercept accidentally get all of the copies of this letter.

Posted by GEBIV at October 6, 2004 08:01 PM
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