Earlier this morning, I just happened to intercept an e-mail to professional Vietnam Veteran and Presidential Candidate, John Kerry from one of his supporters.
It was an accident! I swear! I didn�t do anything illegal. It just showed up in my mailbox. Besides, by the time you get the warrant, I�ll have deleted all of the software anyways.
But without any further ado, here is the letter that I �found.�
From: muqti81@jihad.com
Date: October 6, 2004
To: sweethotpants@ussenate.gov
Subj: Campaign Suggestions
John,
I heard that you and your �buddy� Edwards are having a little trouble dealing with that Bush-Hitler fellow. Here�s a little advice that I think will help.
Whenever I have any competition with the leaders of my people, what I do is invite them to meet me in some out of the way place. Then as soon as there are no witnesses around� Oh wait, Ossama says that he�s tried that with Bush-Hitler and those pesky Secret Service Agents keep getting in the way.
Oh, by the way, Ossama says �Hi.�
OK, I guess that you�ll have to try something else. How about this. Whenever I have to face off against the Americans, I promise everything that they want to hear, but I keep my fingers crossed behind my back so that I can go back on whatever I said. (Silly infidels) When Bush-Hitler wants to debate you, just agree to all of the rules he asks for, and then do whatever you want. He�ll be so busy trying not to look like the bad guy that they won�t make any fuss at what you�re doing. And you don�t need to keep your word to him because no one would believe his side of the story anyways.
Ooh, here�s a good one from Ossama. Call him the �Great Satan� whenever he does something you don�t agree with. (I guess in Ossama�s case, that includes breathing.)
Another thing that I found, is that if you keep all of your guns and bombs in Holy places, they almost never find them. So if you have any secrets that you don�t want Bush-Hitler to get his hands on, I suggest hiding them in your family holy book. I guess that would be a Bible or something for you, but I would suggest using a Qu�ran. Your media won�t say anything bad about a Moslem in your country.
That�s another thing you could do. Convert. If your not too attached to your old religion it�s pretty easy. Just change your name, wrap your women up in a burkah, (an added benefit in Teresa�s case) and there you go. Just think of all of the free press you would get. And anytime the Bush-Hitler disagrees with you. Just call the infidel a religious bigot.
Ossama wants me to say, �Call him Bush-Hitler!� Stupid Ossama. We�ve been doing that for months already. But hey, if it ain�t broke, don�t fix it. Remember, if you say something enough, the Mainstream Media will believe it has to be true.
Back to the guns and bombs thing, if you have a bunch of not-too-bright followers, the best thing to do is give them a lot of ammunition, a target, and very little support. In your case, I guess that your ammunition would be all of the lies you keep making up about him. Arm a bunch of your not-to-bright followers and just throw them at your opponent. Eventually, either you�ll run out of followers, or you�ll take him down. What have you got to lose? If you don�t win your election, you won�t have any followers anyways.
Ossama�s bugging me again. He says not to keep saying Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. I guess he doesn�t want everyone focusing on him again. I keep telling him not to worry. If you win, you�ll never actually try to catch him. Because to your supporters, just chasing Ossama is �fighting the war on terror.� If you actually caught him, then you would have to do something actually productive. And we know that our mutual friends from Paris wouldn�t like that.
One last thing that I think you should do. Keep talking up the numbers of US soldiers killed in Iraq. I like that 90% number that John-boy Edwards used in his debate. But don�t let them talk about the Iraqi policemen who are killed. We both know that they don�t count, even though my friends and I have killed hundreds of them. Anyways, keep crying about the US soldiers getting killed and I�ll do whatever I can to see that the number keeps going up. That should help your poll numbers a lot.
Keep in touch. And remember, if you get elected, I�m one foreign leader who would love to help you govern Iraq.
Yours truly,
Muqtada al-Sadr
P.S. Ossama would like to know if you could send him some more ketchup. He�s almost out, and the goat-meat is starting to get a little ripe. You know which cave to send it to. Thanks.
I guess that if we see any more of these strategies popping up, we�ll know where they came from.
We�ll also know that I wasn�t able to intercept accidentally get all of the copies of this letter.