February 25, 2005

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Government Contract

I was sitting at work, watching some customers try to figure out how the front doors operate (PUSH or PULL for those in Rio Linda) when static suddenly interrupted the radio station I was listening to.

The static faded away, and a voice with a familiar Wisconsin accent started speaking. And with his first words, I knew I was being dragged back in…

“Good evening, Agent GEBIV. We need your help, don’t-cha-know. Our intelligence has shown that the government is asking Evil Glenn to do something for them. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what the government has contracted Evil Glenn to do.

“As usual, you will be receiving no backup. And if you are discovered, we will of course disavow all knowledge of you or your actions.

“Go Packers!

“This message will destruct in 5… 4…”

I dove to the other side of the counter right before the radio vaporized itself.


Oh man. That was MY radio, not the store’s… and I didn’t get the extended warranty either. What a lousy thing to do just ‘cause I couldn’t make it to the family re-union.

Fortunately, my shift was just ending. So when my relief showed up, I quickly went out the door without saying anything about the smoking crater that had been my radio. For I knew that it was once again time for another…

(Cue theme music)

Since my breaking and entering skills were much better than my hacking skills, (and my blogless brother was busy moving into a new house) I decided to go right to Washington, D.C., rather than attempt to break into their computer systems from my home.

So I filled the Jeep with premium and headed down the interstate!

About half an hour later I was back home. (Forgot my tools) So, after looking over the checklist this time, I was off again!

Some time later, (I can’t believe I forgot to put a watch on the checklist) I was walking up to the White House. I talked to one of the security guards for a few minutes, and he was nice enough to direct me to the National Archives; where I was sure to find the records of Evil Glenn’s contract.

After spending an entire morning going through the records, I was unable to find any information about any contracts with Evil Glenn. There were all sorts of receipts for bribes and blackmail payments, but nothing about Evil Glenn doing something for the government. Everything that I could find was about Evil Glenn doing things to members of the government. And believe me, you don’t want to know… *shudder*

In fact, the only reference to Evil Glenn that I found that was less than a month old, was something mentioning a Congressional Hearing about “The Reynolds Originating Body Overwhelming Tic”.

I looked up at the ancient clock on the wall. Let’s see, the little hand is on the III and the big hand is on the IX and the skinny hand is spinning around and around and… ooh, dizy. *thud*

Eventually, I was able to figure out that the Congressional Hearing was starting in about an hour. (Give or take 15 minutes) So I ran over to the Capitol Building…

(A word of advice. Don’t run near any government buildings in Washington. Apparently, that looks really suspicious to the security people there…)

Once the beatings were done, they decided to let me go. Luckily for me, they’d had a busy day, and were too tired to hit me for much more than twenty minutes. So, now limping, I went the rest of the way to the Capitol.

I wasn’t too late. The Hearing was just starting. I found a seat in the gallery and settled in to watch and listen.

The first thing that I noticed was that all of the Congressional Aids were walking in a jerking motion. They appeared to have some problems with their joints.

Then the Speaker stood up and staggered to the podium. He was moving with the same spasmodic movements as the Aids. But instead of speaking, he placed a boom box on the dais, inserted a CD and pressed play!

Instantly the entire assembly erupted out of their seats! They started dancing around. But it was no ordinary dance! No. They were dancing THE ROBOT!

I fled in horror as it dawned on me what had happened. The government hadn’t contracted Evil Glenn to do something for them. They had contracted something from him!


Posted by GEBIV at February 25, 2005 06:53 PM


Damn! I missed these! :-)

Posted by: Harvey at February 25, 2005 11:12 PM
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