March 09, 2005

PGHA: Terrorist Warning Label

Terrorists in general, and more specifically car bombers, are facing their first real threat. No longer can they go about their business without a care in the world. No longer do they have the tacit approval of all of the liberals of the western world. No longer are they allowed to act with impunity.

And why?

One word.

One awful, spine-tingling, nerve wracking, stomach churning, bowel loosening, ulcer causing word.


First, terrorists were forced to respond to legal charges that they were not giving fair warning when using their IEDs. Their legal representatives argued that their product emitted a visible flash, and “warning shrapnel.”

Next, the terrorists were hit with a lawsuit charging that there were no warning labels on their car bombs, alerting people to the possible dangers of using them. In an effort to prevent punitive legal charges, and cover all possible future lawsuits, they have come up with a new warning label to be fixed in a prominent position on the bumpers of all future cars being used for car-bombings.

WARNING!! – This product MAY be harmful to your health.

- For external use only.
- Do not use in shower.
- Do not use while sleeping.
- Do not use while under heavy medication.
- Not safe for use by minors.
- Contents under extreme pressure.
- Always make sure to wear proper eye protection.
- May cause loss of bladder control.
- May cause sterility in men.
- Has been proven to cause hair loss in laboratory mice.
- Not a toy.
- May contain small parts: not suitable for children under 3.
- May become hot after use.
- May be harmful if swallowed.
- Misuse may cause injury or death.
- Not dishwasher safe.
- Do not attempt to put in pants.
- Do not use orally.
- Not safe for use around pets.
- May cause skin irritation.
- Can cause birth defects.
- May cause cancer.
- May cause hearing loss.
- May contain peanuts or peanut products.
- May contain dairy products.
- Do not use as a marital aid. (That one was for Harvey.)
- Dry clean only.
- Not recommended for use while pregnant.
- May cause headaches.
- May damage delicate clothing.
- May cause memory loss.
- May cause liver damage.
- May lead to heart disease.
- Misuse may result in damage to property.
- Misuse may void warranty.
- Do not use while eating.
- Do not use under water.
- Not for use as a floatation device.
- Not to be used by livestock.
- Contains at least 24% recycled materials.
- May cause flu-like symptoms.
- Not for use by those with back problems.
- May have sharp edges.
- Not recommended for use while on the phone.
- Do not use with aspirin.
- Do not use while drinking coffee.
- Not for use in bed.
- Must be disposed of in a properly marked receptacle.
- May contain PCBs.
- This is not part of a well-balanced breakfast.
- You may already be a winner!
- May contain lead.
- May contain Dihydrogen Monoxide.
- May cause Carbon Dioxide emissions.
- Not for use as a diving board.
- Do not use without adult supervision.
- Does not protect from UV-A rays.
- May cause tumors.
- May cause kidney disease.
- May contain tar.
- May contain nicotine.
- Do not point at eyes.
- Do not expose to temperatures above 14,000 °F.
- Do not leave in direct sunlight.
- Not a safe alternative to cigarettes.
- May cause emphysema.
- May result in low birth weight.
- Not intended to treat, cure or prevent any disease.
- Results not guaranteed.
- May cause drowsiness.
- May cause sleeplessness.
- May cause hives.
- May induce shock-like symptoms.
- May be associated with Reye’s Syndrome.
- Do not use if you have stomach problems.
- May contain Red Dye #5.
- Fragile: Do Not Drop.
- This side up. ↑
- May interfere with pacemakers.
- Keep away from sparks and open flames.
- Do not puncture or incinerate.
- May cause fever.
- May cause nausea.
- May cause swelling.
- Do not use with a sore throat.
- Slippery when wet.
- If swallowed, do not induce vomiting.
- Not a dietary substitute.
- May contain sugar or a sugar substitute.
- May cause Methane emissions.
- May harm the ozone layer.
- May contribute to global warming.
- May contribute to global cooling.
- Not for use as educational material.
- Not to be used for heavy lifting.
- Caution: Low Ceiling.
- Always wear gloves.
- No shoes, no shirt, no service.
- May contain pet dander.
- May contain Ginseng.
- May contain Taurine.
- May cause bleeding.
- May cause gingivitis.
- Void where prohibited by law.
- Helmet use is recommended.
- Objects may be larger than they appear.
- Results not tested by the F.D.A.
- Usage and other fees may apply.
- May induce puppy-blending.
- May cause Penguinophilia.
- May cause drifting in spots.
- Not suitable for Hobo Bashing.
- May cause an Instalanche. (OK, that last one is just wishfull thinking.)

On a related note, all car bombings have come to a complete halt while terrorists frantically search for a car with a large enough bumper to affix the warning label to.

Posted by GEBIV at March 9, 2005 03:46 PM


[gasps for breath]

[laughs more]

Posted by: Harvey at March 9, 2005 09:03 PM
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