There's One, Only!

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Historic Feat

I was just sitting down at my desk to do a little old-fashioned correspondence, when all of a sudden my pen jumped out of my hand and started sliding across the page. I was a little startled at first, but then I started reading what was being written.

Then I was completely astounded. (And more than a little nervous.)

Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, (and not wimp out like a total chicken) is to find out what historic feat Evil Glenn is attempting.

As usual, if you are discovered or captured we will disavow all knowledge of your actions. In fact, we will not only deny that we know you, we will deny that you have any right to exist. Um… Don’t make us lie about not knowing you. Yeah, that sounds good.

Anyways, this message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

I ducked behind the chair and waited for the explosion. But nothing happened.

Cautiously, I stood up and looked over the seat back. Still nothing. I stepped around the chair figuring that for once, Harvey’s self destruct system didn’t work.

*SPLOIT*

I was wrong. The pen burst, showering the paper and half the room with ink. Just great, I thought. That was a new shirt.

As I tried to sponge the ink off of my clothes, I realized that it was once again time for another…

Trip to the drycleaners!

And after that, another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)
I thought that I might get lucky, and not have to risk my neck on this mission. So I made a quick phone call to the Guinness Book Of World Records to see if Evil Glenn was trying to set a new record.

I got good news and bad news. The good news was that, yes he was trying to achieve an historic first. The bad news was they didn’t know what it was, and had only that morning sent a representative to meet with the Dark Lord of the Blogsphere.

It looked like I was going to have enter Evil Glenn’s Fortress of Evil to get to the bottom of this assignment. So I gassed up the Jeep and headed to Tennessee.

When I entered the Fortress grounds, I was surprised to not have to deal with any security. Even the Attack Rabbits were locked away in their pens.

When I entered Evil Glenn’s study, I learned why the alarms and such had been turned off. The Guinness Book representative was sitting there looking at a stopwatch. He was a short man, wearing a top hat and tails, and holding a stopwatch. I figured that Evil Glenn had shut everything off so the representative would be able to enter and make an official judgment. Something hard to do while being gnawed on by carnivorous rabbits.

Evil Glenn looked over at me as I walked in. “Oh,” he sneered. “Harvey only sent you.”

“Yeah, I’m all that’s here.” I answered. “But I think that I can handle anything you’ve got.”

He just snorted in reply.

“Let’s just get this over with.” I said. “What ‘historic first’ are you trying to do?”

The Guinness rep spoke right up. “Mr. Reynolds here is going to be the first man to ever wear sandals with dark socks-“

“That’s not true!” I interrupted.

“Ahem. If you’d let me finish. He will be the first man to ever wear sandals with dark socks up to his knees, for five years straight, without ever removing them.”

“Why would anyone ever want to do that?!” I exclaimed.

“Simple.” Answered Evil Glenn. “When you wear you socks up to your knees like this, your calves stay the nicest, palest white.”

“I don’t believe you.” I groaned shaking my head. “That has to be the silliest reason-“

“Here! Look!” He shouted as he rolled down his socks to show me. The fluorescent lighting reflecting off of his chicken-legs almost blinded me.

*Click* “And mark.” Said the Guinness rep.

“What?” asked Evil Glenn.

“Let’s see,” muttered the rep. as he punched buttons on his calculator. “Carry the 3 and… times 12…”

“What are you talking about?” demanded the Dark Lord.

“You’re total sock wearing time.” Answered the shorter man. “I’m afraid you were short of 5 years by 10 minutes. Therefore, I regret to inform you that we can not award you the certificate.”

“Nooooooooooooooo!” moaned Evil Glenn. He turned back towards me. “This is all your fault!

“Insta-henchmen!” he yelled. Then as they filed into the room, he pointed at me. “Throw him in the dungeon!”

“Wait!” I had to think fast. This was a little more muscle than I was prepared to face. I looked at the Guinness Book man. “Isn’t there something else he could do to get into the book?”

“There is one thing…”

Evil Glenn stopped his Insta-henchmen with a wave of his hand. “What is it?”

“Well, the only record that you could set quickly is the one for ‘consecutive kicks to the groin without loosing consciousness.’”

“I’ll do it!” announced Evil Glenn. He picked out two of his Insta-henchmen. “I want you two to keep kicking me, no matter what I say or do, until I break the record.”

He assumed his stance. “Begin.”

*THUNK*

“OWWWWWWWWW!”

*THUNK*

“AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE…”

*THUNK*

“No more…”

*THUNK*

“Please stop…”

*THUNK*

“I’m begging…”

*THUNK*

As the kicking kept going, and Evil Glenn’s voice continued to climb into the higher ranges, I took my chance to leave.

As I passed the Guinness Book man making notes on a clipboard, I asked him what the previous record was.

“One.”

Posted by GEBIV at March 11, 2005 07:01 PM