March 16, 2005

PGHA: Dan Rather's sign off

I was out taking Slinky the Wonder Ferret for a walk, when I saw a beautiful super-model talking in a phone booth. Out of nowhere, she waved to me, and made hand motions that I should come closer. I know that sounds hard to believe, but there are actually a few phone booths left around the area.

As I approached her, she held out the receiver and said in a sultry voice, “It’s for you.”

She started fussing over Slinky, so I decided to see who was on the phone. When I tried to bring the phone to my head, the cord was twisted and seemed to be caught on something. I gave it a hard tug.

Whatever it was hooked on gave way, and I inadvertently smacked myself in the head with the phone. Instant tears sprang to my eyes and I cut back a curse.

When I finished blinking away the tears and pain, the supermodel was gone. All of a sudden, I had a bad feeling about the whole setup.

With more than a little apprehension, I held the phone up to my ear. “Hello. Hello? Helloooooooo.”

“Ah good, you finally picked up.

“Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what Dan Rather should have done to make his last CBS Evening News broadcast more memorable.

“Oh, and if she hasn’t left yet, can you ask TNT to pick up some Reddy-Whip on the way home?”

“Um, the super model?”

“Yeah, she’s my formerly-blogless Beloved Wife, TNT of Smiling Dynamite.”

“Oh. Uh, she’s gone.”

“Drat! Oh well. This message will self destruct in 10… 9…”

I grabbed Slinky and ran for my life.


As I dodged the burning pieces of Verizon property falling from the sky, I knew that it was time for another…

(Cue Theme Music)

I had the perfect place to start. Find out what Dan Rather really said in his farewell broadcast.

Nah, I decided to just imagine what he said.

Yada yada yada … pretend to support the military … yada yada yada … pretend to like America … yada yada yada … pretend to care about everyone … yada yada yada …courage.

OK got it. Now to come up with better ways he could have done his sign-off.

I determined that in order to come up with a better broadcast, I would need to be marginally smarter than the CBS broadcast programmers.

Hmm, how to loose 100 IQ points…?

I slammed my head in a drawer repeatedly, and then sat down in front of a six hour Spongebob marathon.


Gradually, my intelligence returned. I wiped the drool off of my chin and looked at what I had come up with. These are what I was able to decipher from the crayoned scrawls.

Dan Rather: … and to Mr. Shieffer here who is going to be replacing me, I admit that you are a better reporter than I am.

Shieffer: Then why are you smiling?

Rather: Because I know something that you don’t know. I am not left handed!

Then Rather and Shieffer proceed to duel with pencils all over the news set.

Then next one was:

Dan Rather: … courage. And now, my associate Gonzo and I will be attempting a first for broadcast television. Reverse bungee jumping.

Gonzo: First we tie these bungee cords to our ankles! And then we strap these rocket packs to our packs, which will propel us over fifty feet into the air! Then the bungee cords will yank us back to the ground at over one hundred miles an hour!

Rather: (strapping on his rocket pack) Where our fall will be broken by…?


Rather: Wait!


The next one I could decipher from pile was:

Dan Rather finishes up the news and takes a sip of water from a glass on the desk.

Rather: …and finally, I would like to tell all of the viewers at home what I really think of them. (truth serum in the water kicks in) I… can’t… stand… you. I hate your guts! You people make me sick! Who do you think you are, getting me fired over those memos? You people can’t tell me what to do! I’m the one who tells you what to think!! You will all pay for this…

Rather is tackled by two large sound guys and dragged off the air cursing at the camera.

The next two were related:

Dan Rather finishes up his broadcast “…courage. And now I’d like to present a little something for everyone.”

Rather then produces an electric guitar and performs Queen’s “God Gave Rock And Roll To You.”

He finishes the performance by jumping off the top of the desk while shouting “WILD STALLYNS RULES!”

… and …

This ends the same as the last one, but instead of playing like the end of “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey,” he plays like the end of “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”

The last one of the bunch that I could figure out was this:

Dan Rather finishes up his broadcast and starts humming. His humming gradually gets louder, and suddenly he breaks into song.

“They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be
happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!”

A group of men in white coats appear from off screen. Rather pulls a straightjacket from under his chair and starts putting it on. “Got to go everybody!” he shouts. “My rides here!”

That’s all I seemed to be able to come up with. I might have been able to do more if I could have lost more brain cells, but those things are tougher to loose than I thought.

Posted by GEBIV at March 16, 2005 08:40 PM


You're in the zone, man. IN THE FREAKIN' ZONE!

Posted by: Harvey at March 16, 2005 09:57 PM

Pretty funny, but “God Gave Rock And Roll To You” is by KISS, not Queen.

Thanks for the link, Harvey!

Posted by: Not Harvey at May 22, 2005 11:18 PM
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