March 18, 2005

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Investment Advice

I was in a convenience store, looking for a little snack. I needed something to tide me over till supper (about 6 hours away), but I couldn’t decide on what to have. Then a flashy bit of advertising caught my eye.

INSTANT WIN GAME!!!! You could be a millionaire!
Details inside.

That decided it for me. It was the last O’Harvey bar in the store, and if I didn’t buy it, someone else might win the money.

I peeled back the wrapper to see if I had won, and was shocked by what I saw!


However, Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what investment advice you would get if you asked Evil Glenn.

(I need to raise a small amount of seed money into a large amount of money really quickly, and Evil Glenn seems to be able to make money like you wouldn’t believe.) If you are captured, or discovered, we will of course disavow all knowledge of you and your actions.

If, by some strange quirk fate, of you are successful, please let me know right away. You can reach me at (555) 555-5245, Cell D-27, upper bunk. Ask for "Sweet-Cheeks."

Please hurry.

This message will self-destruct in 10…9…8…

I dropped the wrapper and just to be safe, the candy bar, into a trashcan as I raced to my Jeep.


As I watched the trash drifting down to the ground in my rear-view mirror, I knew that it was time for another…

(Cue Theme Music)

Since I was already on the road, I decided to head right to the Fortress of Evil. Then I passed a gas station and noticed the price at the pumps…

OK, let’s reach out and touch someone, instead.

I flipped open my cell phone, (don’t worry, I pulled over and parked first) and called the operator.

“Hi, I need to call the Fortress of Evil. And can you reverse the charges? You can! Great! (He can afford it more than I can.)”

While I waited for the operator to connect us, I decided that a little subterfuge would be in order. I would have to pose as someone Evil Glenn would want to help. A few moments later, I was talking to the Dark Lord of the Blogsphere himself:

Evil Glenn: Wha…? Hello?

Me: Herro! It is I, Mao!

Evil Glenn: Chairman Mao? I thought you were dead.

Me: No. I just had a rittle cold.

Evil Glenn: But all the papers said you died in 76.

Me: Umm…

Evil Glenn: Anyways, it’s good to hear from you again! What’s with the silly accent?

Me: (dropping the lousy fake Chinese accent) Oh, nothing. I just wanted to test out… um… I was just… er… It was a clever ruse, yeah that’s it, a ruse to keep people from spying on me. Uh… I needed to make sure it was really you on the phone.

Evil Glenn: Wow. Brilliant!

Me: Well, I’m glad it worked.

Evil Glenn: So, what did you call for.

Me: You see, I needed a little advice.

Evil Glenn: On what?

Me: Money.

Evil Glenn: Go on.

Me: Well, I need some investment advice. You’ve always got money. What with the revenue from your website, and being a lawyer, and being a teacher, and that penguin brothel-

Evil Glenn: Hey! That’s just for private use.

Me: …

Evil Glenn: But you’re right, I’m rolling in it. Money, that is.

Me: And what would your advice be if I had a small amount of money and needed to make it grow?

Evil Glenn: Why don’t you just steal more from the Chinese people?

Me: Um… well, they think I’m dead. Remember?

Evil Glenn: Oh yeah. Bet that helps with not getting spam, eh?

Me: Hey, focus. Money advice!

Evil Glenn: OK. The first place to invest is hardware stores. People just can’t buy enough hammers. Hammer, hammer, hammer. Whack, whack, whack. Must hammer. Must whack! MUST KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL HOBOS!


Evil Glenn: (panting) Sorry, got caught up in the moment. What were we talking about?

Me: Investments.

Evil Glenn: Oh, yes. The other thing that I would recommend putting your money in is gold. Lovely gold. Smooth shiny gold…

Me: Gold?

Evil Glenn: Of course. It’s a great way to make obscene profits without all of the tedium of going through law school. Gold is always a good bet. But definitely not silver! Can’t stand the stuff.

Me: Right. What with being a vampire and all…

Evil Glenn: Yep. Well, that’s all the advice I have. Anything else.

Me: Just one more thing… INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!


Now, I just had to get this information to Harvey before he drops his soap…

Posted by GEBIV at March 18, 2005 08:18 PM


Posted by: Culzephyr at March 23, 2005 10:26 AM

More like ROTFL! funny :-)

Posted by: Harvey at March 25, 2005 08:04 PM

Now THAT is how to tell a Lie!

I have to say I really should visit more...

Posted by: Alex at March 26, 2005 12:30 PM

Hehe Theme music is a nice touch...I came twice. Ya know, just so I could hear it again. lol

Posted by: Uber at June 25, 2005 10:44 PM
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