April 13, 2005

PGHA: Al Gore TV

I was sitting in a lotus position on the roof of my garage, meditating. Clear nights like that were perfect for getting in tune with the universe. Plus, it allowed me a better angle to spit sunflower seeds into the neighbor's yard. Suddenly I felt strange, as if millions of voices had all cried out at the same moment. Then it was like they were laughing at something so hard they couldn't catch their breath.

There was a disturbance in the force.

And of course, that almost always meant an Alliance assignment.

I gingerly stood up, untangling my legs as I went. Uh oh! I had sat too long and both of them were asleep.





I picked myself up off the driveway, groaning more than a little. I limped down to the corner to buy a paper. Twinging a bit each time I turned a page, I found the want ads. I scanned the page, and there it was, The signal for an assignment:


Reasonable rates.
Available day or night.
Call xxx-xxxx

Oops. Wrong ad. I meant the next one.

Lobotomies, cheap! Amaze your friends. become a liberal in one easy step. Call Harvey @ 555-5555

I checked my watch and saw that I had to hurry. I only had a few minutes to get to the meeting place for my assignment.

I staggered out of the store as fast as my legs would let me. (They were now at the pins and needles stage) Once I reached the end of the store, I made a sharp turn and ducked into the alley behind it. I checked my watch again, and as the second-hand swept past the XII (12 for those who failed Roman numerals, 1100 for Harvey) I knocked three times on the large trash can next to a pile of tires.

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then a furry little head popped out of the can. It was Bosco the Idea Lemur.

"Hey there little guy." I said. "Have you got my assignment?"

With a solemn face, somewhat amusing on the furry critter, he handed me a folded piece of paper.

As soon as I started reading it, I knew that I was right about that earlier feeling I had of a disturbance in the force.

Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what the lineup will be on Al Gore's new cable station, "Current". So far, everyone we have sent to get this information has nearly died laughing. And none of them had even seen any part of the lineup. I'm counting on your odd sense of humor to protect you on this assignment.

As usual, if you are discovered or captured, we will have no choice to disavow all knowledge of your actions. But the Widows and Orphans Fund has really grown lately, so at least your dependents will... oh, I forgot, you're not married. Never mind.

Good luck.

I absentmindedly crumpled the paper up and dropped it into the trash can as I thought about the assignment.

A shrieking sound roused me from my reverie. Bosco was frantically trying to climb out of the can. "Oops!" I said as I dove for cover.


The explosion fired the lemur out of the garbage can like a round from an a civil war mortar. After doing a quick mental calculation, I figured that his azimuth and elevation were somewhere in the range that would hopefully land him in Wisconsin. I just hope his cheese-head owner had a nice soft spot for him to land on...

As fur drifted down around me, I realized that it was once again time for another...

(Cue Theme Music)

Fortunately, this one looked like an easy assignment. I don't know what they've got in Wisconsin, but here in Buffalo our liberal rag was bound to have a full page story on the new channel. And I had already purchased a paper!

I found a good spot to sit down and flipped back through the news. Drat! I was only batting .500. The full page story had been done yesterday, and all todays paper had were some corrections for the article. Interesting stuff, but "mistakenly reporting an expected market share of 30% which should be .03%" wasn't going to help me much.

However, the TV listings did have the programming for the day, so here is the afternoon-evening listing:

  • Noon - 2:00PM Politically Correctness Seminar - How to be offended at practically anything anyone says.

  • 2:00PM - 3:00PM CSI: Ohio - The investigative team discovers evidence, leading all of the way back to Florida,2000 proving that Bush stole the election.

  • 3:00PM - 4:00PM Why We Hate Bush

  • 4:00PM - 4:05PM Great successes of Liberalism - With a televised Q&A session for the last four minutes.

  • 4:05PM - 6:00PM Why We Hate Bush - reruns.

  • 6:00PM - 7:00PM The PETA Hour - Why your children are less important than a snail no one has ever heard of.

  • 7:00PM - 8:00PM All Al - Al Gore interviews people he thinks should be president instead of Bush. This week's interview, Al Gore.

  • 8:00PM - Midnight Test pattern - A "correctly" filled-in 2008 election ballot. Remember, Hillary has two "l"s.

OK, that was kind of nauseating, I thought. But I don't feel any uncontrollable laughter.

Then the actual absurdness of the whole network hit me. Al Gore had a TV channel! I had only been protected from the humor by my own denseness. All of a sudden, I started snickering to myself. This won't last a month! Now I was into a full blown chuckle. I bet advertisers will pay NOT to have their commercials on during his program! Now I was giggling uncontrollably.

Luckily, just then a town sheriff came by and saw me. He must have figured that I was doing drugs from the way I was acting, because he stepped out of his squad car and proceeded to beat the snot out of me.

When he couldn't find any drugs, he let me go. But the beating had managed to save me from laughing myself to death.

Hey, I was always told to look on the bright side...

Posted by GEBIV at April 13, 2005 09:09 PM

Now, I don't want to smother you with my east-coast bias of doom, but if there was any way to make the roundup 30 minutes to an hour earlier, it would be a help. Thanks.

Did I mention how much I love the Mission Implausable Series?

Posted by: The Babaganoosh at April 13, 2005 11:31 PM

Dude, there were so many entries, it took me two hours to do the roundup. (Some of it being late was because I couldn't even get started until 9 because I was working on my taxes.) But mostly, there were just a lot more than I had expected.

The Filthy lie roundups are so late because I work till 11 on Fridays. It's good for a read Sat morning though :-)

Posted by: GEBIV at April 14, 2005 12:04 AM

Death to east coasters! Midwest Jihad! ULULULULULU!


Stupid terrorist. Never bring a ULULU to a gunfight.

Anyway, GEBIV, LOL! as always :-)

And my lemur landed on a hippy's head.

VERY soft landing.

Posted by: Harvey at April 14, 2005 11:11 AM

Love the first Add.

I think a month might be a little optimistic though. Especially if any of his funning is coming from Air America.


Posted by: Culzephyr at April 14, 2005 04:19 PM
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