April 15, 2005

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Reality show.

The popcorn was almost done, the smoothies were chilling in the refrigerator, the attack rabbits had been kennelled, and the dungeon had been remodeled into a home theater. Evil Glenn smiled. Everything was all set.

He thought back to a month before, when a couple of his biggest e-advertisers had approached him with a new idea. "Hey," they said. "You've got this internet thing all sewn up. Why don't you try to break into TV?" Their opening statement had intrigued Evil Glenn, so he called off the Insta-henchmen and let them finish. They had sold him on what they called "the hottest idea ever to hit the airwaves, Reality TV!"

Glenn had then set out to produce his very own Reality program. He hired the best cameramen, the best writers, the best make-up girls. But no caterers. He still preferred to make his own meals - the caterer never seemed to get the puppies smooth enough.

After three weeks of filming, he was ready to show the program to his advertisers. They arrived at his Fortress of Evil right on time. Smiling graciously, Glenn's Insta-Wife led the guests down into the transformed dungeon where the viewing was to take place.

Once everyone was seated in front of the screen, Evil Glenn stepped in front of it to introduce his creation. "Ladies and Gentlemen, you have all invested heavily in my latest project; which I will soon be showing to you. I just hope that you are all as proud of it as I am. Heh. Indeed." He then took a small bow to acknowledge the light applause from his somewhat captive audience.

Taking his seat he called out to his Insta-henchmen. "Lights!" One of them dimmed the rooms lights. "Roll the tape!"

Following a brief pause, a roll of duct-tape came bouncing across the floor. "I meant play the TV show, you idiots!" he screamed. He turned back to his guests and added in a somewhat calmer tone, "Good henchmen are so hard to find these days."

Just then, the projector started. Everyone stopped talking and settled in to watch what they hoped would be the next smash TV hit.

(The show starts with a close up of Evil Glenn. It pans back as he is talking, and we gradually see that he is walking down a sidewalk in what looks like a typical American Suburb)

Evil Glenn: Hello. Welcome to The Glenn Reynolds Show! Today we are walking along a beautiful street in a small town in Ohio, where just this week, I helped a young man purchase his first home.

(He stops and turns to look up a driveway.)

Evil Glenn: Ah. Here he is now. Good afternoon Mr. Culzephyr.

Culzephyr: Oh hello, Evil Glenn.

Evil Glenn: Did you get all of the paperwork I sent you?

Culzephyr: Yeah. And it's all done.

Evil Glenn: Good. Then as soon as the bank signs off, the house is all yours.

Culzephyr: Thanks. You know what? You're not too bad for an Evil Genius bent on controlling the Blogsphere.

Evil Glenn: Indeed.

(The camera cuts to a different street where Evil Glenn is sitting on a park bench)

Evil Glenn: Welcome back. In this quaint little town in Texas, there is a lovely little bungalow that just went on the market. It is within walking distance of the park I'm sitting in right now, and also has convenient access to the highway. Next, we'll be going to-

A shriek drowned out the audio of the program. Evil Glenn signalled to his insta-henchmen to stop the projector. When the lights came back up, he saw his investors sitting there stunned. One was weeping softly, while another was muttering incomprehensively under his breath. The one who had shrieked looked up at Glenn.

"What did you do?" he asked. "You were supposed to make a reality show."

"That's what I did." replied the evil blogger. "I made a realty show. I don't know why they're popular, but you and your fellow investors told me that they were all the rage right-"

"No, you fool!" the man yelled. "RE-AL-I-TY SHOWS!! You know, a TV show about real life. Not Real Estate!"

"Hmm. Perhaps you should have been more specific. I don't watch television myself you know. It cuts into valuable blogging time."

The man started sobbing. "You've ruined us. Everything we had was invested in this, and now we're all penniless. I'll probably even lose my home..."

Evil Glenn's eyes glinted for the briefest of moments. "Did you say you would be... homeless?"

Posted by GEBIV at April 15, 2005 10:26 PM

"Did you say you would be... homeless?"

That made the entire gag right there. Awesome.

Posted by: The Babaganoosh at April 15, 2005 10:35 PM


We have a winner :-)

Posted by: Harvey at April 16, 2005 01:39 PM

That last line was genius!

Posted by: Tom at April 16, 2005 08:02 PM
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