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Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn and Baseball

It wasn't easy, but they managed to drag the Evil Blogger into the chamber. "You can't do this to me!" Evil Glenn screamed. "I'm not subject to the laws of you mere mortals!" A bit of froth started to appear on his lips. "I'll get you all! And your little doggies too! Mmm... puppies." He seemed to distract himself for a moment with that thought, and the Federal Agents holding his arms took advantage of it and wrestled him into the witness stand.

After he had been firmly shackled to the chair, and a large amount of sedatives had been administered, the questioning began. The first Senator to speak up was Senator Kennedy(D-MA). "Mr. Reynolds, could you please tell us, in your own words, what first prompted your involvement in Baseball."

"Ah yes. The beginning. What a good place to start." Evil Glenn paused for a moment. "Let me think...

"It all began when I overheard two of my students arguing over something. As they continued to argue, I kept hearing repeated statements about the umpires being 'a bunch of bums', and how the fans in the stadium all wanted to kill said umpires. This intrigued me to no end. I immediately went out and purchased tickets to the next game to see what it was all about.

"Imagine my surprise when I discovered that these 'bums' everyone was complaining about were a group of men wearing black, who's arbitrary decisions affected the outcome of the game! And the players and coaches had no way to complain about their rulings. They were practically judges! And of course, completely off limits in my book."

"What do you mean by 'off limits'?" the Senator asked.

"Well that should be obvious!" replied Evil Glenn. "I can't go around murdering judges. They used to be lawyers, and there are professional courtesies to observe."

"Then there was no alcohol involved with your discovery of Baseball?" Kennedy sounded vaguely disappointed.

"None at all."

"Not even beer?" Kennedy was starting to sound a little desperate. "Because if there was, I feel that we should take a recess and investigate it further."

"Sorry." Evil Glenn said without actually sounding sorry. "No beer either."

Kennedy just slumped back into his chair.

John Kerry (D-MA) leaned towards the microphone in front of him. "I would just like to say at this moment, that I served in Vietnam."

Evil Glenn looked at him. "And...?"

"That's all." Kerry sat back, comfortable in the knowledge that he had once served, however briefly, in Vietnam.

"I have a question for Mr. Reynolds." It was Chuck Shumer (D-NY). "After you decided not to kill the umpires, why did you stay interested in Baseball?"

"Well, by then I had discovered another thing. Gambling."

"Gambling?"

"Oh yes. I was quite surprised to learn that people would actually wager money on the outcome of these sporting events. I was making quite a bit of money at those games... but I still didn't like the fact that I would sometimes loose."

"So, is that when you decided to give your favorite team a little... edge?" Asked Senator McCain(RINO-AZ)

"I only gave them a little energy drink that I had developed." Answered Evil Glenn a little defensively.

"A drink filled with steroids!" proclaimed McCain. He then turned to the other committee members. "So you can see why Congress should have authority over-"

"Actually, there were no steroids." interrupted Glenn.

"Drugs then."

"None."

"Then what could this 'wonder drink' you gave them contain?" the Senator asked sarcastically.

"Blended puppies!" Evil Glenn said with an... evil grin.

"Puppies?" exclaimed one of the other Senators. "That's awful!"

"I don't see what the problem is," Glenn replied. "After all, they serve cooked dogs in the stands all the time."

"Those are hot dogs you demented man! They are made from beef... well, mostly beef. But definitely not dogs!"

A look of consternation appeared on Evil Glenn's face. "Pardon me for one moment," he said. "I have to take care of something."

With that, he stuck one long finger down his throat and emptied his stomach onto the floor next to the witness-stand. "Ah, much better," he said as he wiped off his chin. "I was wondering what was making me feel ill."

A meek little clerk stepped up to the Committee Chairman's elbow, and whispered into his ear. The Chairman listened, nodded a couple of times and frowned once. He then leaned forward and spoke into his mic. "It seems that, as repugnant as the thought is, I must release you, Mr. Reynolds. Apparently you have broken none of Major League Baseball's rules. However, we will be suggesting certain changes to those rules to see to it that none of your actions can ever be repeated."

Evil Glenn rubbed his hands together as soon as the Federal agents had released his restraints. "Very good." he said. He paused for a moment then asked, "Can you tell me one thing?"

"What is that?"

"My personal shake supplies have been a little low while I was, ahem, helping my baseball team."

"And...?"

"I was wondering if you knew if the animal shelter was still open?"

"GET THAT MAN OUT OF HERE!" bellowed the committee chairman. "And someone get a mop."

Posted by GEBIV at April 22, 2005 08:18 PM