There's One, Only!

PGHA: How to deal with Commie China

Last week was all about Iran, this week, the question is:

What are the next steps America should take in dealing with Communist China?

First, make sure you're talking about the right China. Remember, there is The Peoples Republic of China; they're the Commies. You know, the ones always beating their citizens and throwing them in prison.

Then, there is Taiwan, they're the Chinese that everybody likes, but don't want to officially recognize. They only beat American Little League teams, and haven't really even done that since the mid 90's.

Finally, there is fine china; that's a type of delicate porcelain plate ware. It beats using paper plates for dinner by a long shot. But is otherwise totally irrelevant to this discussion.

With Communist China, you have to identify what about them needs to be dealt with. First, they have nukes. And, thanks to one of our former Presidential Administrations, they now have the ability to fire them at us. What really needs to be done there, is to:

One, finish the SDI missile defense system. But don't tell them about it.

Next, we send over some really good computer hackers to change all the targeting software on their missiles to point directly back at themselves. Then, since they don't know about our new SDI system, when they think they have a chance to pop us with some thermonuclear fire, they drop them right back on their own heads.

The next threat that Communist China poses is their huge Peoples Liberation Army. (Don't you just love a military that has to hide behind the euphemisms "Peoples" and "Liberation"?) The only thing that I can think of to deal with them involves the fact that they are currently not quite as technologically advanced as our military is when it comes to navigation. What we need to do is gain control of all the map-makers and change all of the labels. Switch The United States of America with Antarctica. They'll be down there chasing penguins for months before they figure it out. And on the other hand, it won't affect to many Americans as many of them can't find America on a map anyways.

Another lesser recognized threat that Communist China has is their massive, underpaid workforce. The potential productivity created by the hordes of near slave-labor could bury any possible competition they set their sights on. To stop this economic menace, I have only one word: FreeCell. With every click and drag, more and more of their productivity will disappear.

The final risk that I feel Communist China has hanging over the rest of the world is their nearly inconceivably large population. This one can only be handled by the most extreme of acts. Barney videos! Once these hit the market, and prospective parents discover that they will be forced to spend much of the next 10 years of their lives watching the demented purple dinosaur, the birthrate should plummet. Or, we could introduce the most horrific of all birth control devices. Pictures of Madeline Albright naked. But that may be too cruel to inflict even on Commies.

Just remember, the only good Chinese is the guy that makes that really good Kung Po Chicken in the restaurant around the corner. Not that I hate any people in or from China, he's just the only one I really care about.... in a Platonic way.

Posted by GEBIV at May 18, 2005 09:20 PM