There's One, Only!

Filthy Lie: Frank J.

Hmm. What to drink? I was standing in the beverage aisle of my local supermarket, looking for something to quench my thirst. I didn't have a real preference for anything, so I let myself be persuaded by the "You could win $$$$$" display next to one of the brands of soda. I grabbed a couple of bottles and headed to the checkout.

I knew better than to drink in the checkout line, but as soon as I walked out the door into the parking-lot, I twisted one of the tops off.

Sorry, Try Again!

Yep, I was still a looser. But it wasn't a total loss. At least I had something to drink. Too bad it tasted like sewage.

A few hours later, I had forgotten how bad the first bottle had tasted, and pulled the other out of the fridge. This time when I looked at the bottle cap, my luck was a bit different...

Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out one of Frank J.'s darkest secrets. Barring that, just make something up. If you are captured, or discovered, I will of course disavow all knowledge of your activities. Frank J. is a good friend after all, so there is no way that I could be seen condoning this kind of thing. (But make sure you get something really juicy!)

- H

This message will self destruct in 10 seconds...

Wow, that's some small writing! I thought as I threw the cap into a small blast-proof box that I kept for just such occasions.

*Boomp*

As I watched the smoke drift out of the box and sipped the medical-waste tasting beverage that had been advertised as "light and refreshing", I knew it was once again time for another...

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

I figured my best bet was to get some embarrassing pictures of Frank J. or something like that. So I grabbed my digital camera, and strapped on my portable Way-Back Machine^tm. I might as well start at the beginning. More chances for embarrassing photos. I thought, as I set the targeting computer to "Frank J.'s Birth". I punched the "GO" button, and the room around me spun away.

Moments later (or years earlier, depending on your frame of reference) I found myself in a dirty hospital... actually, it was a dungeon! There was a bunch of medical equipment, and figure covered by a sheet on an operating table, but the stone walls and floor, as well as the manacles hanging from the ceiling, practically screamed dungeon.

And it looked a little familiar.

Then it hit me! It was Evil Glenn's dungeon. The manacles weren't quite as rusty as the last time I was there. And there wasn't as much clotted blood around the drains as I remembered. But it was definitely the same dank chamber that I remembered. Just a little newer.

I heard footsteps coming down the steps, so I quickly hid in one of the many convenient dark alcoves. (Hey, dungeon architecture does have it's advantages.) Moments later, Evil Glenn entered the room. He didn't look much younger than usual, but I figured that was just a result of his being an undead, blood sucking... lawyer.

He pulled the sheet off the figure on the table, but was standing in just the wrong spot so that I couldn't see who it was. I heard him muttering to himself as he worked at the table. "Hmmmm.. Heh... Indeed!"

Suddenly, he stood back and shouted. "I've done it! You are my greatest creation! Together we will rule the Blogosphere!"

With that, the figure on the table sat up. It was Frank J.! I couldn't believe my eyes. Frank J. was an android built by Evil Glenn to help him control the Blogosphere!

Evil Glenn turned Frank J. around and flipped open a panel on the back of Frank's head. In typical Evil Scientist fashion, he narrated himself as he worked. "Now, all I have to do is set your loyalty level so that you will be my slave forever!" Using a long screwdriver, he was making some sort of adjustment.

I knew that I had to have proof of what I was seeing, so while Evil Glenn was making his adjustments, I snapped a picture. Unfortunately, I forgot to turn off the flash.

The camera flash must have startled Evil Glenn, because something went wrong with his adjustments. A spark, brighter than the flash from my camera, leapt from the inside of Frank J.'s head, and nearly melted the screwdriver in Evil Glenn's hand!

This must have done some damage to whatever Evil Glenn was working on since Frank J. immediately pushed him away and shouted, "I'll never work for you, you foul monster! In fact I will dedicate my life to defeating your control of the Blogosphere!"

Then, as he ran out of the dungeon, he proclaimed, "Now, I'm off to find a T-shirt babe!"

Evil Glenn then turned to me with murder in his eyes. "I'll get you for this, whoever you are!"

I spun the dial on my portable Way-Back Machine^tm back to the present and returned to now. Back in my own home, I checked the travel log on the Way-Back. I had only gone back and forth a little over 3 years!

But I had the proof that Frank J. is just an android who has turned on his creator! It's this picture right here:

Whoops! That's a picture from Harvey's last Comment Party. I don't know how that got in there.

I'm sure I can find the picture I want.... It's got to be here somewhere!

Rat's! I can't find it. You'll just have to believe what I said is true. Of course it is. It's not like this is all just a Filthy Lie.

Posted by GEBIV at July 8, 2005 11:19 PM | TrackBack