July 27, 2005

PGHA: Attacking Roberts

I was on a stake-out. It was an electronic one, but a stake-out none the less.

Harvey had sent me on this Mission: Implausible! (Cue Theme Music), but the details don't need going into right now. They're kind of hazy anyways. I've got a hole in my memory, along with a matching one in my kitchen ceiling, about how I got the assignment. But the mission rang clear in my head. I was to find out:

How will the left attack Supreme Court nominee John Roberts?

Which lead me to here. Sitting in an unmarked van (I had to leave the Jeep at the van rental company) outside the building where the Senate Democratic Leaders were meeting. In secret, they thought.

They had seized upon the failure of the Democratic Leadership Meeting To Define What They Stand For, and decided to have a meeting about why they were against Roberts.

I had harnessed Slinky the Wonder Ferret with a video and audio pickup and sent him inside the building to find the meeting. With his ability to navigate the air vents of the structure, I figured it would be no time before he found the right room. Next time, I need to put a receiver on the harness for Slinky to be able to hear me as well. He scurried right by the duct labeled "Secret Democrat Meeting Room" three times before he finally stuck his head in. I'm just lucky that no one heard me yelling at the monitor in the van the whole time. (Yeah, I holler at football games too...)

Finally, after much biting of my nails, Slinky was in place. He set the camera and microphone in the right direction, and must have dozed right off, since I could hear very faint snoring over my head-phones.

It didn't take me long to find out why the little guy had fallen asleep so fast, Joe Lieberman was speaking. For the sake of your sanity and my bandwidth, I won't be able to give you the whole video of the meeting. But here is a transcript of what I saw, before I pulled the tether on Slinky's harness and reeled him to safety.

Lieberman: Well, I have to say, that I have to oppose this candidate because of his stance on foul shots in basketball. My sources tell me that he supports the current rule, which I find to be anti-Semitic. That is why I must vote against his confirmation.

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Dean: Yeaaaaaaargh!

Minority Leader Reid: Chairman Dean, don't make me remove you from this meeting. This is a meeting for Senators, and we are only letting you sit in as a courtesy. Don't make me regret it. Mr. Kennedy, you were next?

Kennedy: Hic' yes. I must declare my opposition to, er... John Roberts because he is against the designated hitter rule. Which is obviously one of the, ah... rights guaranteed under the Constitution. And it means he is a racist.

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Kerry: I have to oppose Roberts because of his support for the rule change removing the Red Line from Hockey. Can we have a judge who would so callously discard years of precedence just to keep his white hockey friend's edge over minority players?

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Clinton: I must oppose Roberts because he is a Buffalo Bills fan. A team that has never had a black quarterback!

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Dean: Yeaaaaaaaargh!

Reid: Chairman! I'm warning you!

Schumer: I too must oppose Roberts. In addition to everything else, he is a NASCAR supporter. A sport almost totally dominated by white men!

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Dean: And he hates grapefruit! Only a racist hates grapefruit!

Reid: Guards! Please escort Mr. Dean out of the meeting.

Dean: Yeaaaaaaa......

Reid: I think that it is clear why we cannot support the President's choice for Supreme Court Justice. From what we can find, Mr. Roberts is obviously a racist. Any correct thinking person would have to come to this conclusion...

Everyone Else: Racist! Bigot! He must be denied!

Posted by GEBIV at July 27, 2005 09:21 PM | TrackBack

Very funny stuff. I support Mr. roberts in his crusade to end the DH rule in the AL. If we were able to fix it so David Ortiz had to actually play defense, maybe the Yankees will beat Boston. Then we could all laugh at Teddy "The submarine Wanna-be" Kennedy, and say, HA! you thought you had a dynasty. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

Posted by: fmragtops at July 28, 2005 10:50 AM

Wait... Roberts is white? :-)

Posted by: Harvey at July 30, 2005 01:11 PM
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