November 04, 2005

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn, the Musical

The invitation just showed up on my doorstep one day. It didn't come with the mail, and I never saw who delivered it. One minute, nothing; the next, a big envelope.

I was a little hesitant to open it. I was afraid that it might be another Mission: Implausible! from Harvey. I was wrong. It was worse.

It was an invitation to attend the premier of the new Broadway Musical "Glenn And The Amazing 16-bit Color Laptop." Actually, it was less of an invitation and more of a threat... the last line read, "I know where you live and have a rocket launcher."

So, since I'm pretty sure that my Homeowner's Insurance doesn't cover Evil-Blogger RPG damage, I couldn't resist his offer.

Apparently, my recent foray into the world of reviews was a mistake. Evil Glenn must have figured that if I could say halfway nice things about DOOM, then I'd write good stuff about anything. What follows is the account of the horrors that I went through that night.

The invitation said to get there early, as there was limited seating available. And it looked like every reviewer and critic in the state had received the same invitation I did. Several were visibly twitching every time they heard any loud noise. And one poor guy actually wet himself when a car backfired on the street outside.

Fortunately, I have a congenital defect which forces me to get everywhere at least 15 minutes before I have to. So I had no problem finding a seat. Well, actually the problem was that I found too good a seat. I was able to see and hear everything.

When I first walked into the theater, I heard what sounded like 20 or so cats being tortured. My first thought was that I was hearing Evil Glenn's truly atrocious pit orchestra tuning up. But as I was ushered down to the Reviewer's Box, I was forced to revise that thought. It was the pit orchestra, but they were actually torturing cats! They had them stretched out over all sorts of frames and tables, and with the help of some mallets, were using them as instruments. Any hope that I still had upon arriving at the theater was instantly crushed. I then knew that this was going to be far worse than I had feared.

This is what I saw.

After what seems like an eternity of cat-screeching prelude, the curtain finally goes up. On stage, is a slightly youngish looking Evil Glenn (he has on one of those propeller beanies and is wearing what looks like those short-pants boys were forced to wear back in the 30's) sitting at a computer clicking a mouse. A projection screen descends from above, and we see that "Little" Glenn is just finishing his registtration of the domain name for Instapundit. With a little flourish, he hits the Enter key and brakes into song.

Happy Insta-day

"Little" Glenn: It's a happy, happy, happy, Insta-day.
In a happy, happy, happy, Insta-way!
I'm gonna start a bloggin',
And empty out my noggin'
On this website every day!

A choir of what looked like midgets in cherub costumes drops down from the rafters and dangling on wires like a bunch of Christmas ornaments, joins the singing.

Cherubs: It's a happy, happy, happy, Insta-day.
In a happy, happy, happy, Insta-way!
He's gonna start a bloggin',
And empty out his noggin'
On this website every day!

Fortunately, after about six or seven verses of this, the song finally ends.

The next scene has a rather dejected looking "Little" Glenn sitting at his computer despondently poking the keyboard with one finger. The intro to the next song starts, and I am surprised to find the cat screeches sound familiar! I look down at the program and see that I was right, the music had been actually written by Queen.

Some Stories to Blog (Sung to "Somebody to Love" by Queen)

"Little" Glenn: Can anybody,
find meeee.
Some stories,

I get up every morning and type a little,
Before I can barely see.
Take a look at the monitor,
And cry,
"What am I doing to me?"
I spend all of my life typing,
And just don't like what I read.

Oh, somebody.
Can anybody find me,
Some stories to blog?

I type hard,
Every day of my life.
I type my fingers to the bone.
At the end of the day,
I don't like what I've done.
I've got to get out of this writer's block,
I've got to find some more links.

Oh, somebody.
Can anybody find me,
Some stories to blog?

At this point, Satan shows up. And in return for "Little" Glenn's worship, Satan promises to show him how to blog faster and more often than ever before. And to sweeten the deal, he also promises to make "Little" Glenn the Dark Blog-lord of the Blogosphere.

"Little" Glenn agrees. A large puff of smoke, and "Little" Glenn is gone. Now, standing before us is EVIL GLENN.

Evil Glenn: Heh!

Satan: Indeed.

And so ends the first act.

The curtain comes up for the second act, and we see Frank J.! Actually, it's just some skinny kid, but he's wearing a "Nuke the Moon" t-shirt and wielding a katana. So we know who it is. He's in the process of declaring blog-war on Evil Glenn, and he breaks into song.

To Fight The Unbeatable Blog (Sung to "To Dream the Impossible Dream" from The Man of La Mancha)

"Frank J.": To fight the unbeatable blog,
To contend with an unbeatable foe.
To strive for impossible numbers,
To blog what the sane dare not know!

This is my blog!
This is my war.
I'll beat that puppy blender,
I know it is so.

I'll follow my dream,
And when the war's won...

With that, Evil Glenn comes running onto the stage and punches "Frank J." in the mouth. "Frank J." crawls off the stage, whimpering as Evil Glenn stands there and gloats.

Finally, after several forgettable hours, we come to the last scene of the show. Evil Glenn stands on a dais overlooking rows of people furiously typing on keyboards below him. You can see the cables from all the keyboards run to one computer, the display of which is on the projection screen. Almost faster than you can read, print is flowing past. You can just make out that they are all posts on Instapundit, being typed almost faster than humanly possible.

Cracking the whip he holds in his hand, Evil Glenn rains down commands to his frantically typing minions.

Evil Glenn: Heh!

Minions: Heh.

Evil Glenn: Indeed!

Minions: Indeed.

And then Evil Glenn breaks into song.

My Way (Sung just like Frank Sinatra)

Evil Glenn: And now, the end is near,
And I must deal a final hurtin'.
You know, that if I don't,
There just might be some desertin'.

I rule the world,
Yes that is true.
And control the information super-highway.

But yes much more than this,
I made them do it MY WAY!

Then, he catches a top-hat and cane that come sailing out to him. As he starts tap dancing a complicated, jerky dance involving twirling his cane while whipping his minions below him, they break out into song.

Happy Insta-Day(Reprise)

Minions: It's a happy, happy, happy, Insta-day. (*Ouch* *Ouch* *Ouch*)
In a happy, happy, happy, Insta-way! (*Ouch* *Ouch* *Ouch*)
He's gonna keep a bloggin',
While hoboes he's a floggin'
On this website every day!

This goes on for almost half an hour, with each verse key changing to the next higher one. Finally, as the song reaches up into the realm where only dogs can hear, I black out...

And then, some unknown time later, I awoke back at my house. The echoes of the music were still ringing in my ears, but at least they were just echoes.

Posted by GEBIV at November 4, 2005 08:53 PM | TrackBack

Egads, I am sorry you had to sit through that.

I myself would have chosen the RPG to the face.

Posted by: JermCool at November 6, 2005 12:43 AM

*standing ovation*

Bravo! Encore!

Posted by: Harvey at November 6, 2005 06:37 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?