January 06, 2006

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn, the Arch-Villain

I slipped through the open door. So far, my entry into the fortress had been completely undiscovered. And the mission was going to be a cake-walk. Or so I thought.

Suddenly, a battery of spot-lights sparked to life. I was discovered! I turned to dive back into the door I had just emerged from and was met by a large goon. Another sprang up from a concealed trap door as two more dropped down from cables, completely surrounding me.

I quickly switched mental gears from 'flight' to 'fight' and attacked the closest goon. I managed to knock him out and had the next in a headlock, using him as a shield from the others, when a voice rang out from the gloom surrounding the spot lit section.


I knew that voice! And its owner wasn't supposed to be anywhere near there.

"Gentlemen, you may leave us. And take your unconscious friend with you." the voice said to the goons I was fighting. I didn't release the headlock on the one I was using as shield, however. So the goons dragged only the one on the ground with them.

"Ah, Agent GEBIV. As resourceful as ever I see." Evil Glenn said, as he stepped into the light, flanked by a couple of his Insta-Henchmen. (The real tough ones, not like the rent-a-goons I had been fighting so far. And each carrying sub-machine gun.) "Here you are trapped out in plain sight and you still manage to find some semblance of cover. Heh."

"What's so funny about that?" I asked. "And what are you doing here? The message said that you were down in Antarctica for the weekend..." I shuddered at the unbidden mental image that popped into my mind's eye.

"Silly boy," he said. "The message wasn't from your precious Alliance, I sent it. It was all a trap."

"A trap? Why do you want to trap me?" I asked, more than a little nervously.

"Why to kill you of course." He replied. "Which brings us back to your first question."

"Huh?" Even with the sudden rush of adrenalin, I wasn't completely able to follow him.

"Your question of what was so funny. The answer is; what makes you think I value that goon you're hiding behind enough to prevent me from shooting you?"

"Um..... because he's... not a hobo?" I was fishing, and I knew it. And what was worse, he knew it too.

"Sorry," he replied, "not good enough." Then, to the Insta-Henchmen, and with a German accent, "Shoot them. Shoot them both."

With a quick kung-fu move, I flipped the goon I was holding into one of the Insta-Henchmen, knocking him out. Then, a nifty little move with my tactical yo-yo snagged the gun out of the other Insta-Henchman's hand. For good measure, I snapped the yo-yo back at him twice more, once to the stomach - doubling him over, and then a pop to his head rendering him insensate.

Now, I had the gun and was calling the shots. "So, Evil Glenn," I gloated. "How do you like this little turn of events?"

He looked a little startled, for just a second. "Well," he said, "I think that..." and then he reached into his pocket and started to pull out his own gun. What looked like a gold-plated luger... But I only had time to glance at it before I squeezed the trigger on the gun in my own hands, putting a round directly into Evil Glenn's heart.

He grunted once, and dropped the pistol he was holding. But then, to my surprise, straightened back up and smiled. "Wha.... I.... but.... you.... in the heart." I gibbered.

"Foolish boy." He grinned at me. "Perhaps you've heard of the famous Dr. No? The most notorious villain to suffer from dextrocardia."

"I know what that is!" I exclaimed. "That's when your heart is on the right side of your body instead of the left."

"Very good. You're not as stupid as you look."

"That's what I keep telling people." I said as I shot him again, this time in the right side of his chest. But again, to my surprise, he didn't die.

"Stop doing that!" Evil Glenn scolded. "You're ruining my shirt! What I was trying to tell you was that I suffer from something similar to dextrocardia. I have anacardia."

"Doesn't that mean you don't have a heart?" I asked.

"Pshaw." (Yes, he really said pshaw!) "I have the heart of a young man ...I keep it in a jar around here somewhere..."

Around this point, I was getting a little tired of the whole conversation, so I interrupted his little biology lesson. "Sorry," I said, "but I have to be going." And with that, I emptied the magazine of the machine gun into Evil Glenn's groin.

"AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed. "I'll get you for that, Harvey!"

"That's GEBIV!" I corrected as I ran off into the night.

Posted by GEBIV at January 6, 2006 10:46 PM | TrackBack

There's one, Only!

Which is a pity. Two of you may have been able to defeat Evil Glenn.

Posted by: JermCool at January 8, 2006 07:06 PM

I thought anacardia was one of those big snakes from South America :-)

Posted by: Harvey at January 12, 2006 11:01 AM
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