January 20, 2006

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's DNA

As reported recently, Evil Glenn managed to beat a hobo murder charge in spite of what appeared to be overwhelming DNA evidence they had against him. In the interest of nosey people everywhere, and at The Alliance's request, I managed to get a portion of Evil Glenn's DNA sample from the trial.

What it said about Evil Glenn was astounding!

Apparently, at least according to the DNA sample from the trial, Evil Glenn is a short, Hispanic woman!

Well that explained a lot about the verdict....

But I wasn't satisfied with just that. So I pulled a play from one of the Government's top-secret spy programs being used on us. I mailed Evil Glenn a fake Publisher's Clearing House entry. And when he sent it back to me, I was able to get a genuine blood sample from the paper-cut everyone always gets when they try to stuff the return envelope. (That's all the Publisher's Clearing House really is; just a way for the Government to get samples of everyone's DNA!)

I dropped off the new sample of DNA at my local CSI lab and in about an hour, had a full analysis of Evil Glenn's DNA. And boy, did the analysis tell me a lot.

According to the comprehensive DNA analysis done by the CSI lab:

* Evil Glenn is one quarter Cherokee, one quarter Choctaw, one quarter Irish and one quarter German.

* He's also half French, but that part surrendered to the others a long time ago.

* He's not a real red-head.

* He's distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, Ghengis Khan, and Jack the Ripper.... or he was all three. The jury's still out on that one.

* He's allergic to cat hair.

* He's not allergic to peanuts. (There goes one of the Alliance's plans for getting rid of him.)

* He likes to bowl. And has a lifetime average of 204.

* His shoes are too tight. Oh wait, never mind, it's his heart that's three sizes too small.

* He wore braces until he was 15.

* He likes the color yellow.

* He excels at English, but did poorly on the math portion of the SATs.

* He wasn't potty trained untill he was 12.

* He has a large collection of stuffed animals.

* And that's not counting the penguins.

* He once ate a whole turkey by himself on Thanksgiving.

And last, but not least...

* Evil Glenn thinks that Star Trek: The Original Series, was mych better than Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Posted by GEBIV at January 20, 2006 08:21 PM | TrackBack

Kirk r00lz!

Posted by: Harvey at January 21, 2006 12:30 PM
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