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Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn gets dressed

Boy, sometimes I really wonder about Harvey. Of all the strange things to learn about Evil Glenn, Harv want's to know how Evil Glenn dresses for work?

We're talking about a blogger here. An evil blogger, but a blogger none the less. And that implies pajamas or even less.... *shudder*

But I'm going to assume that Harv's asking about how Evil Glenn dresses for his day job. Proffessor at some university or another.

Well, I managed to talk to a former valet of Evil Glenn's. The poor man was almost completely mad, but I managed to get some information out of him in the small period of lucidity he had as his sedatives were kicking in.

First, when Evil Glenn rolls out of bed, he kicks off his pajamas (or, if it was a cold night, his puppy-fur lined penguin suit) and stands au-natural, spraddle legged and spread armed, and lets himself air out for a full minute. Then he hops into the shower for 15 seconds, just long enough for his hair to get wet enough for his comb-over to work.

Once he's done with brushing his teeth and flossing (using the puppy collar from the previous night's puppy-shake) he skips back into his bedroom humming the theme to "Bonanza."

Back in his bedroom, he quickly puts on his left sock and a pirate eyepatch (over his right eye). He goes to the closet and picks out a shirt and slides it on over his head - the buttons are already all done up, so sometimes he get's stuck with it over his head and flails around for a bit. He then grabs the coat-hanger and pretends to be Captain Hook. (About half the time, he stabs himself with the hanger...)

After bandaging himself, if necessary, he then puts on his other sock and a tie. Then he slides across the wood floor to a large doorway and starts singing "Old Time Rock N' Roll" into his hair brush.

After the big finale to his musical number, he prances back into the bedroom and puts on his pants. BOTH legs at once! With a final flourish, he slides into his sandals and holds his feet out for the valet to buff.

Then, when he zips up, he then realizes that yet again, he's forgotten his underwear. What follows almost defys explanation. Somehow, Evil Glenn manages to put his underwear (tighty whiteys by the way) on without removing his pants. It involves a great deal of contortion, the coat-hanger he was playing with earler, and a lot of snapping elastic.

And that is HOW Evil Glenn gets dressed every morning. Don't you wish you had stopped reading in the first paragraph?

Posted by GEBIV at May 26, 2006 08:18 PM | TrackBack