April 06, 2004

PGH: Know Thy Enemy - Terrorists

It was sitting there on the dining room table when I walked through the door. A tape recorder. Uh oh, I figured there would be another assignment soon. With more than a little trepidation, I pushed the play button.

*Beep* ‘Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to add to the knowledge of terrorists. You must help us Know Thy Enemy a little better.’

Well, that doesn’t sound too hard.

‘This recording will self destruct in …’

I quickly hit the stop button, halting the countdown. Intensely pleased over that bit of quick thinking, I realized that it was time for another…

(Cue Theme Music)

I figured that I was going to need my blogless brother’s help again. This could take some serious computer work. I called the hospital where he had been recovering from our last misadventure. They told me that he had just been released and was on his way home. Well that was probably good news. As long as he could still remember where his home was.

A few moments later, much to my surprise, there was a knock at my door. It was the blogless brother himself. Apparently he got lost on the way home from the hospital and was just able to remember where I lived. He also couldn’t remember that I was the reason why he had been in the hospital in the first place. Ahh, the blessings of head injuries.

We set up his laptop, plugged into the Internet and started hacking. Unfortunately, we had absolutely no idea where to start looking. After a couple of hours of random websites, and 73 different popups for mail order Iraqi brides, we decided that a more methodical approach was needed.

A flash of inspiration hit me. Let’s check out the computers at Homeland Defense. If anyone would have a good listing of what terrorists were, it would be them. We were in luck, there were several previously unknown things about terrorists there. We quickly noted them down.

Next, we tried looking into the FBI computers. Then I realized that we were hooked up to my phone lines, so any tracking of our inquiries would show up at my doorstep. Not something that I was hoping for, so we tried another track. Why not look on the computers of terrorist sympathizers?

We snuck into Michael Moore’s personal files, but found nothing of any use there. Then we tried the computers of every left-wing actor and actress we could find. A few hits here and there, but nothing really useful.
At one point, we even hacked into the computers of Iranian Intelligence. While there were hundreds of names and addresses of terrorists, there was very little in the way of information about terrorists as a group of people.

But eventually, after nearly two days of constant computer work, we had enough information to pass along to Alliance HQ. (Please forgive us if some of these are already known.)

What we found out about terrorists:

Many terrorists have explosives strapped to themselves, so it is recommended to use long range weapons against them. Like .50cal sniper rifles.

Terrorists often use deception. If you ask someone if they are a terrorist and they say ‘no’ be careful. They could be lying.

If they tell you they are a terrorist, be careful, they could be telling the truth.

Terrorists don’t like dogs. So if you know someone who didn’t cry at ‘Old Yeller,’ they may be a terrorist.

Al Qaeda has a little known sub-group known as Al Gebra. They have been known to use protractors and compasses as weapons of math instruction.

If someone is running down the street with a stick of dynamite yelling Jooooooooos, they are probably a terrorist.

If someone is running down the street with a cup of juice yelling Dy-no-mite, it is probably JJ Walker.

Just because someone cheered about 9-11 doesn’t make them a terrorist. Many people are just really, really stupid.

Anyone who gets between me and coffee will be treated as if they were a terrorist.

Same thing about chocolate.

And Jelly Belly jelly beans.

(Sorry, got off on a tangent there.)

Many terrorists want John Kerry to win the presidency. So until proven otherwise, assume that all Kerry supporters may be terrorists.

Terrorists like to blow things up. So do I. (Umm. No connection that I can see.)

Terrorists like to blow people up. (Big difference there) So anyone trying to tape explosives to your leg is probably a terrorist.

Terrorists think that the US of A is evil. So does Michael Moore. Draw your own conclusion.

Terrorists are afraid of being contaminated by pork. So being a pig farmer is the safest occupation from terrorists in the world.

Terrorists are often heard rooting for the wolf during readings of ‘The Three Little Pigs.’

And finally, many terrorist’s greatest desire is to die for their cause. Let’s help them out.

As I finished up my report, my blogless brother packed his things and prepared to leave. In the living room, I heard him call from the kitchen.

‘Hey, when did you get this new tape recorder?’ he asked as I heard the click of the play button being pressed. ‘2…1…’

‘No! don’t…’


The explosion threw him back into the living room, over the couch and headfirst through the Lazy-boy. As he pulled himself out of the wreckage of my favorite piece of furniture, he overbalanced and slammed backwards into the bookshelf, jarring the collection of bowling balls on the top shelf which rolled off the end and with a series of coconut on coconut like sounds, bounced off of his already abused head.

Oooh, that's going to leave a mark. Hmm... looks like he’s gonna get more frequent flier miles on the hospital’s helicopter too.

Posted by GEBIV at April 6, 2004 10:18 PM

LOL!!!! Another great Mission!!!!

Posted by: Susie at April 7, 2004 08:34 AM

F'n brilliant!

Posted by: Harvey at April 11, 2004 08:03 PM
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