There's One, Only!

A Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Easter Plans

I was humming to myself as I collected the mail from the street-side. Bill. Bill. Bill. Billlll.(Beethoven’s Fifth) And then I saw it. A letter from the Alliance. When did they start using snail-mail? That’s when I realized that it was time for another Alliance assignment.

With a growing uneasiness, I cut open the envelope and read the message.

‘Agent GEBIV, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out how Evil Glenn plans on spending his Easter. This mission may be extremely perilous, so be careful, The Alliance can’t afford to be paying any more medical bills. Because of this, if you are discovered, or find yourself in any difficulty whatsoever, we will be forced to disavow all knowledge of your actions.

Cheapskates.

This message will self-destruct 10 seconds after you opened the envelope.’

Oh no!

I threw the paper to the ground and covered my ears, mentally preparing myself for the worst. With a little hissing noise and a small flare of brightness, the paper burnt to ashes.

Phew. Just a little flash-paper. That’s more like it.

I crushed the ashes of the letter into the ground with my foot and walked to my Jeep. I knew that it was time for another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE
(Cue Theme Music)

I drove straight over to my blogless brother’s house. This mission sounded like it was going to require some computer work, and there was no way that I was going to hack into Evil Glenn’s computer from my own. I knocked and knocked on his front door, but there was no answer. His car was sitting there on the street, but it didn’t seem as if he was home. I went around to the side entrance to see if he had left it open and found the door kicked off of it’s hinges.

Who could have done this?

Upon closer examination of the shattered door, I could just make out the impression of a ‘$’ from the heel of the boot that kicked in the door. Oh no, I thought, they have him. It was worse than any nightmare, my brother had been taken. By… the… IRS!

I told him he couldn’t claim his cats on his taxes. They’re much too independent for them to be deductions.

Now I had to rescue my brother as well as find out what Evil Glenn was going to be doing on Easter. This was turning out to be a very full day.

I checked under the back seat for the emergency kit and saw that everything was in place. Then it was off to the Federal Building. Hopefully, I still remembered enough from watching ‘MacGyver’ to be able to break into a heavily fortified government building.

When I got to the Federal Building’s parking lot, I made careful note of where the do not exit spikes were. I’d learned that lesson the hard way, years ago. I parked right up next to the building and grabbed the emergency kit. It was time to face the monsters.

45 minutes later I was walking out of the building with my brother in tow. It had taken every donut in the box, but I had finally convinced them to let him go. After explaining all of the head injuries he had suffered in the last few months, they had given him the benefit of doubt on his tax reforms. The only real concession they had forced on us was that my blogless brother had to wear a helmet whenever he was with me.

We drove back to his house, stopping only briefly at a sporting goods store to get him some adequate head protection. Once there, we quickly set up the computers and started hacking into Evil Glenn’s files.

As before, we headed straight for his day planner. And there it was, his itinerary for April 11, Easter.

April 11, 2004

Sleep in. It’s a holiday.

I couldn’t believe it. All that work for practically nothing. I stormed out of the computer den in disgust just as my blogless brother clicked on the entry for Monday. His screams brought me running back.

‘Ahhhhhhhhhh. My eyes, they burn…’

Fortunately, I didn’t see what had caused the pain to my blogless brother as his computer imploded into a miniature black hole. I grabbed the doorframe to keep from being sucked in and hooked a toe on my brother’s belt as he started sliding forward. I knew that if I could just hold on for a few seconds, the black hole would compress itself out of existence, which it did. But not before sucking the helmet off of my blogless brother’s head.

He was nearly pulled into the black hole when it finally winked out of our universe. Too bad he wasn’t ready for the sudden cessation of force. He was flung backwards into his bookshelf. We had learned the lesson of storing bowling balls on the top shelf the week before.

Apparently this is also true of dumbbells.

Posted by GEBIV at April 9, 2004 09:02 PM