There's One, Only!

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's First Post

Gradually, I drifted back towards consciousness. But at first I couldn’t place where I was. Then slowly, the details started popping back into focus until with a rush, it all came back to me. I knew where I was and how I got there. But I still couldn’t figure out how to get out.

It had all started so innocently…

It was late at night, and I was at a gas station up town, filling the tank on the Jeep. I had just finished up and paid with my credit card, and was now waiting for my receipt. While I waited, I idly read the digital message display on the pump. Hmm. Hot dogs, two for a dollar.

Then, the display went blank and a new message started crawling across…

“AGENT GEBIV, YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS TO DISCOVER WHAT EVIL GLENN’S VERY FIRST POST ON THE INTERNET WAS. IF YOU DO NOT CHOOSE TO ACCEPT THIS ASSIGNMENT, YOU WILL BE RIDICULED AND DERIDED BY ALL MEMBERS OF THE ALLIANCE. OF COURSE, WE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ASSIST YOU IN ANY WAY, AND IF YOU ARE DISCOVERED, WE WILL BE FORCED TO DISAVOW ALL KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR ACTIONS.”

Well, that hardly seems fair.

“THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN 15 SECONDS…”

Oh boy!

I jumped into the Jeep and stamped down hard on the gas. Tires squealing, I raced across the parking lot, over the landscaped embankment and onto the street. With an ear-shattering thunderclap, the gas pump behind me detonated.

As I raced the fireball down the street, I realized that it was time for yet another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

First things first. I had to try to get a hold of my blogless brother, Culbrez. After an annoyingly long time, he finally answered in a groggy voice. “Where are you?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I think I hit my head again. I was just driving along and a Jeep jumped out in the street in front of me. And then just as I swerved, a gas station exploded right next to me. That made me swerve back the other way and I ended up upside down in a ditch.”

Oops

“Umm, I think I can see the smoke.” Oh boy could I see the smoke. “I’ll be right there to pick you up.”

Ten minutes later, we were back on the road. I had stopped just long enough to grab my blogless brother and throw his computer gear in the back seat. Then we headed straight for Evil Glenn’s Evil Fortress. I knew that there was no way that Evil Glenn would have left his first post on-line, but I also suspected that his ego would be too great for him to have deleted it completely. So it looked like we would have to break into his Evil Fortress and physically access his files.

About halfway there, we had to turn around and go back to my place. I wasn’t going to assault Evil Glenn’s Evil Fortress without some backup. So we had to go back and pick up Slinky the Wonder Ferret. (Culbrez was only along for his computer abilities.)

Soon, we were at the entrance to the den of all things evil. I sent Slinky through first, to make sure that it was safe. The sounds of ferret combat that drifted back through the gate told us that we had made the right choice. I know that I didn’t want to face another one of those Attack Rabbits. A few minutes later, Slinky came back and showed us that the way was clear. As we waded through the aftermath of ferret on rabbit carnage, I couldn’t help but think, Man am I glad we went back for Slinky.

We had Evil Glenn’s computer up and running in a matter of seconds. While Culbrez started sifting through the electronic records of Evil Glenn’s files, I tackled the hard copies. Soon I was hip deep in paper, as I pulled folder after folder from the cabinets. Before long, I had found what I was looking for, a file labeled “Instapundit: Original Postings”

I held it up to show my blogless brother just as I heard him say those fateful words. “Hey, I wonder what’s in this folder marked ‘Penguins’?” Oh no, not again!

I tried to stop him, but it was too late. His screams filled the air as he ran off into the night. I just stood there dumfounded. How does he keep finding that stupid file?

Suddenly, I heard an evil chuckle coming from a door off to the side of the computer room. I looked over, but could only see a pair of legs wearing dark socks and sandals standing in the shadows. It was him! I tried to run, but found myself trapped by the piles of folders I had pulled out of the cabinets.

He stalked across the room towards me. Even as he entered the lit room, I couldn’t make out any of his features. It was as if he wore the darkness like a cloak and dragged it into the room with him. He plucked the unopened folder from my hands as I stood there helpless. But as he pulled it away, I was just able to make one grab at it. The paper tore under my fingers as I was unexpectedly struck from behind. As I slipped into unconsciousness, I could feel a small scrap of paper in my fist. With my last coherent thought, I was determined not to let go of it.

The next thing that I knew, I was being thrown into a small, windowless cell. But as they were attaching the shackles, I still had that tiny piece of paper clutched tightly in my hand.

That was three days earlier. At least that’s how long ago I think it was. The only indication I had of the passage of time was the infrequent meals and how long my beard had grown. As near as I could tell, I had a three-day shadow. Oh no! I thought, I’m going to be late with my Alliance Assignment.

Then the slot where they had been shoving my meals through opened and a small, lifeless, furry body came tumbling through. Not Slinky! As I reached across the floor the guard’s voice came through the opening. “Here, we’re tired of cooking your meals. Gnaw on this for a while.”

When I picked it up, I breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t Slinky. It was one of Evil Glenn’s Attack Rabbits. Then I noticed that it was freshly killed, and it was obvious that it was Slinky’s handiwork. Hope surged through me as I realized that he was still out there. With the hope came determination. No one was going to keep me in a cell if I didn’t want them to.

Summoning up all of my rage and pent up frustrations, I lashed out at the door with my foot. The kick sent it flying off of its hinges and across the room. I strode out of the cell, ready to take on whatever Evil Glenn had in store for me.

The sight that met my eyes was not what I was expecting. The walls were covered in fresh blood and bodies were piled up everywhere. And sitting precisely in the middle, was Slinky. The look he gave me was one of impatience, as if to say, “What took you so long?” I hadn’t even heard a sound, but it was apparent that this had all happened in the seconds before I had broken out of the cell.

I looked down at the smug looking ferret and shuddered. I was just glad that he was on my side. He led the way as we exited Evil Glenn’s Fortress. We soon found ourselves back where we had left the Jeep. There was no sign of my blogless brother, so I could only hope that he had gotten away. I knew that he hadn’t been held in the dungeons with me; Slinky and I had searched all of the cells before we left. I couldn’t help but wonder what had become of him, but I didn’t have any time to spare looking for him. I had to get the information back to the Alliance.

And what was on the scrap of paper; the information that I had risked life, limb and sanity to retrieve? What was Evil Glenn’s first post? Just one word:

Test

Posted by GEBIV at May 9, 2004 04:13 PM