There's One, Only!

PGH: Kerry Website Improvements

I was out riding my bike. I just felt the need for some fresh air, so I strapped on my helmet, grabbed a water bottle, and started pedaling. After about 15 minutes, I looked down at the odometer to see how much distance I had covered so far.

Instead of showing me the mileage like I expected, the little display was just flashing, “Press button.” Oh great. Now what? I pressed the button, hoping that I hadn’t broken the stupid thing already. Immediately, a message started scrolling across the small screen.

“AGENT GEBIV, YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS TO FIND OUT WHAT IMPROVEMENTS CAN BE MADE TO THE OFFICIAL KERRY WEBSITE. AS ALWAYS, IF YOU ARE DISCOVERED, WE WILL DISAVOW ALL KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR ACTIONS.”

Squirrel! I swerved, narrowly avoiding the suicidal rodent. Accident avoided, I looked back at the tiny display.

“… WILL BE VITAL THAT YOU AVOID THIS AT ALL COSTS. ANY MISTAKE COULD BE POTENTIALLY FATAL.”

Oh great! What did I miss?

“THOSE ARE YOUR INSTRUCIONS. SO GOOD LUCK… THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN 3…”

Oh boy.

*BOOM*

The explosion threw me off of the bicycle. Fortunately, I was wearing my helmet. But while the helmet did a marvelous job of minimizing the damage to my head, it had quite the opposite effect on the windshield of the parked car that I hit. I suppose that meant that it worked perfectly.

As I hauled myself out of the back seat of the wrecked Kia Laguna I found myself in, I realized that it was time for another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

I dragged what was left of my bike back towards home. Half an hour later, when I got there, I jumped right into action. First, the hydroxide. Then the iodine and Band-Aids. Once I was liberally covered in the plastic strips, I got to work on my mission.

I figured that the first thing I should do was to actually look at the Kerry website. (Waffles) But then I thought, That might be what Harvey had been warning me against. So, I decided that would be something to put off for a little bit.

So then I called my blogless brother’s cell phone. I was hoping to have a little bit of help on this one. He answered his phone quickly enough, but was still wandering around lost. I asked him if he could hack into the Kerry Campaign computers for me.

“Sure. No problem. Just let me hook up the wireless modem.”

“Careful when you log onto the website.” I told him. “I think there was a warning about it.”

“Don’t worry, I’m wearing sunglasses.”

“Polarized?”

“Yep. 99.99% UV protection too.”

That should just do it.

Moments later, he was in. “Hmm. It says that it’s under construction.”

“Can you get to the unpublished sections?” I was hoping to see what changes that the Kerry people were doing.

“I’ll do better than that.” He said. “I can get you to the web designer’s notes. Here, I’ll send it to your screen.”

A new window opened on my computer screen. It was just what I was looking for; all of the proposed changes to the website.

Kerry For President Website: Proposed Changes Dewy Cheetem and Howe, Consultants

With each issue statement, run a counter telling how many days since Kerry’s position last changed.

Mention Vietnam at least once in every sentence. (Already being implemented)

Have links to “Girls Gone Wild Website” (Suggested by Bill Clinton)

Have links to “Anything with Nekkid Wimmen.” (Also Suggested by Bill Clinton)

Make website more “Environmentally Friendly” by only using recycled electrons. (Suggested by Al Gore)

Have Nekkid Wimmen in the banner. (Suggested by Bill Clinton)

Post a Weblog detailing Kerry’s day-to-day thoughts, including all nuanced positions on key issues. Make sure to have no archives.

Lie about Bush. Remember, ‘The bigger the lie, the more people will believe it.’

Suggested Subliminal Messages:
- “VOTE KERRY”
- “BUSH STINKS”
- “BUY HEINZ”
- “SEX” (Suggested by Bill Clinton)
- “HILLARY ‘08” (Suggested by Hillary Clinton)
- Nekkid Wimmen (Bill again)
- “BUSH LIED – PEOPLE DIED”
- “YEAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!” (Suggested by Howard Dean)

Have theme song running on the website:

(To the tune of ‘He’s a Lumberjack’ by Monty Python)
He’s a Liberal and he’s OK
He taxes at night and spends all day

He hugs the trees,
He eats his lunch.
He went to Vietnam;
He spent his wife’s money
And then he had Botox.

He’s a Liberal and he’s OK
He taxes at night and spends all day

He hugs the trees
He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He supports gay marriage
And performs them in bars

He’s a Liberal and he’s OK
He taxes at night and spends all day

He hugs the trees
He wears Ray Bans,
Gucci and Armani.
If he runs out of money,
He’ll marry Donald Trump.

As I looked over what I had found, I heard my brother mumbling something over the phone. “What was that?” I asked.

“I was just wondering what was in this file marked ‘Kerry, Pre-Botox’?”

“No don’t!”

But I was too late. And his screams told me that his sunglasses weren’t enough protection either.

I guess there are just some things that are not meant to be seen.

Posted by GEBIV at May 5, 2004 08:42 PM