There's One, Only!

PGH: Stupid Poll Questions

I groggily stumped down the stairs to the pounding at my door. It was 2:00 in the morning and I was just getting to sleep after getting home an hour before. Sometimes, being on the closing shift stunk. As I fumbled with the lock, I couldn’t seem to get my eyes open. And then as the streetlight stabbed my retinas, I realized that my eyes had been open. The light was out in the stairwell again.

Blinking away the tears that the streetlight was causing, I tried to make out who was pounding on my door. Gradually, I was able to make out a ridiculous looking guy in a brass-buttoned, red jacket with a silly, red cap. Huh

I just stood there staring at him. Eventually, he seemed to get a little nervous and finally spoke, “Mr. GEBIV, I presume?”

I wasn’t the happiest person in the world at that moment, so my reply was a little terse. “Yes. What do you want, Stanley.”

The reference went right over his head. He immediately pulled a yellow piece of paper and a pitch-pipe from his pockets. Just then, the horror of it dawned on me… a singing telegram.

“Agent GEBIV,
Your mission,
Should you choose to accept it,
Is to
Discover what
Stupid poll questions
CNN will be putting up
On their web site.

This message will
Self-destruct
In 10 seconds.”

I snatched the paper from his hand and threw it one way while shoving him off of the porch in the other direction. “Run!” I yelled to him as I took cover behind the patio furnature.

A muffled explosion shook the night, but not from the direction that I expected. I looked over to where I had sent the telegrapher and winced. I guess the last line should have been “This messenger will self destruct…”

As I watched the silly, red cap roll down the street, I knew that it was time for yet one more…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

My first thought was to get my blogless brother in on this one. I just had to hope that he had his phone on. Since he had moved to Ohio, he had effectively put himself out of “drive-over-and-wake-him-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night” range. Fortunately, he was still up. I guess he hadn’t gotten out of his third shift sleeping habits yet.

“Culbrez, can you hack into the CNN computers for me?”

“Sure thing. Just let me finish this round of Halo.”

Ten minutes of listening to him swear at backstabbing team-killers later…

“OK, I’m back. What are we looking for?”

Leaving out the singing, I filled him in on my assignment. And I added, “Whatever you do, please don’t open any files labeled ‘Penguins.’”

“We’re not hacking into Evil Glenn’s computer.”

Moments later, he said, “OK, I’ve got it. I’m sending it too your e-mail right now.”

I quickly logged onto my server and opened the file he sent me.

To: CNN website programmers

From: Kerry presidential campaign headquarters

Re: Website polling questions

Here are some “unbiased” questions we would like you to include in your web-site polls.

Would you say John F. Kerry:
a) Is Presidential looking
b) Is Presidential sounding
c) Has a presidential bearing
d) All of the above

John Kerry’s Vietnam service gives him _____ ability to be Commander-In-Chief than Bush.
a) More
b) Much More
c) There is no comparison
d) Bush has no ability

George Bush is the worst president:
a) Since Nixon
b) Of the last 50 years
c) Of the last 100 years
d) Since the ratifying of the Constitution

9/11:
a) Was staged by right-wing conservatives
b) Could have been prevented by Bush
c) Was retaliation for Abu Ghraib
d) Never happened

If John F Kerry becomes president; in the future, when his head is put on Mt. Rushmore, it should replace:
a) Washington
b) Jefferson
c) Roosevelt
d) Lincoln

John F Kerry is _______ Bush
a) A better presidential candidate than
b) Better looking than
c) Smarter than
d) Going to beat

CNN is:
a) Less biased than Fox News
b) Unbiased
c) Better than Fox News
d) The bestest source of news in the world

“This is just great!” I told my brother. “You don’t have to look any farther.”

“OK,” he replied, “I just want to see what’s in this file marked ‘Nancy Pelosi, before and after.’”

Nooooooo. But I was too late. His screams filled the phone receiver.

“Ahhhhhhhh. My eyes! They burn!”

How does he keep finding those files?

Posted by GEBIV at May 26, 2004 09:22 PM