June 18, 2004

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Father's Day

ďÖ and then it came to pass, that there was a certain large Norwegian named after the Thunder God Thor. He was known to one and all as Fat Thor. And one stormy, June day, he saved his village from a ravening horde of accountants.

It was then decreed throughout the land, that the third Sunday of every June would be forever known as Fat Thorís Day.

This tradition was brought to North America inÖĒ

I turned off the TV special on the origins of Fatherís Day. I had already bought my Dadís gift, and I didnít need to think about it again until Sunday. Right now it was time to relax. Time for a nap in fact.

Just as I was about to nod off on the couch, a large rock came sailing through my window. I picked the glass shards off me and picked it up to throw it back.

Thatís when I noticed it. The note wrapped around the stone.

Oh no.

I was afraid that it was time for another assignment, and I was right. With trembling fingers, I opened the note and read.

Agent GEBIV,

Your mission, should you choose to accept itÖ well actually, weather you want it or not, is to discover what Evil Glenn has planned to do on Fatherís Day. And remember, we still have that picture Evil Glenn took of you last week. So you better not slack off on this assignment. Of course, if you are discovered, we will disavow all knowledge of your actions. Unless you are photographed in another compromising position. In that case, we want the copies.


This message will self destructÖ



The paper exploded right in my face, knocking me over the back of the couch. Which fortunately protected me from the effects of the rock exploding. But while the couch took most of the impact from the rock fragments, there was nothing to stop the impact of the couch on my chest.

When did he start using exploding rocks?

I slowly pushed the wreckage of the second couch of mine that Harvey had destroyed off of myself and limped over to the phone. I figured that I was going to need a little help, because it looked like time for anotherÖ

(Cue Theme Music)

Fortunately for me, my blogless brother was in town to help celebrate Fatherís Day with our blogless Dad. I just hoped that he would be able to hack into Evil Glennís computer. I wasnít looking forward to attacking Evil Glennís fortress again any time soon.

We met up outside of a house with un-encrypted wireless that we had discovered the last time he was in town. I explained exactly what I was looking for, and he got right down to work.

Just a few minutes later he was in. It would have taken less time, but he got distracted by a popup for ďRefinancing! With low, low mortgage rates.Ē If I hadnít been there to remind him that he didnít have a mortgage to refinance, who knows what heíd have signed up for?

Once we had access to Evil Glennís computer, it was just a matter of finding his personal planner. I knew that what we were looking for would be there. After all, you donít get to be a centuries old vampire with plans to crush the blogsphere without good organizational skills.

It didnít take us too long. Soon, we had found what the epitome of evil had planned for the day.

June 20, 2004 Personal Planner

7:00 AM: Eat breakfast in bed, served by my many blogchildren.

8:00 AM: Make the Insta-children clean up the mess from eating in bed.

9:00 AM: Go to the orphanage and tease all of the children for not having fathers. (Itís so easy to make them cry on Fatherís Day or Motherís Day)

10:00 AM: Call Harvey and tell him that he is being served with a paternity suit.

11:00 AM: Call Frank J. and tell him he was really adopted.

Noon: Lunch with Insta-Wife

1:00 PM: Call Harvey while pretending to be his wifeís doctor. Tell him all of the pregnancy tests are positive.

2:00 PM: Go to Father-Son hobo whacking with Insta-Dad.

3:00 PM: Go back to the orphanage and announce that everybodyís fathers are coming to pick them up.

4:00 PM: Tell all of the orphans that their fathers died in car accidents on the way to the orphanage. HAHAHAHAHA

5:00 PM: Call Frank J. and tell him that Iím his father.

6:00 PM: Call Harvey with three more paternity suits.

7:00 PM: Dinner. Alone. Mmmm, blended puppies.

8:00 PM: One more call to Harvey with a paternity suit. (I canít get enough of that. HAHA)

9:00 PM: Bed (Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and evil beyond mortal comprehension. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

After reading Evil Glennís plans for Sunday, I was just glad that I hadnít made enough of a splash in the blogsphere to be a target this time. I hoped that this would warn Harvey and Frank. Just one of those calls would be enough to terrorize me.

Suddenly, my brother called out, ďHeís tracked us! Heís sending a spike!Ē

I yanked the wireless card out of my laptop just as my blogless brother disconnected his. From inside the house, we could here a loud popping noise as the electrical spike fried the wireless transmitter.

Oh well, thatís why we donít use my connection any more.

Posted by GEBIV at June 18, 2004 09:10 PM
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