“… and then it came to pass, that there was a certain large Norwegian named after the Thunder God Thor. He was known to one and all as Fat Thor. And one stormy, June day, he saved his village from a ravening horde of accountants.
It was then decreed throughout the land, that the third Sunday of every June would be forever known as Fat Thor’s Day.
This tradition was brought to North America in…”
I turned off the TV special on the origins of Father’s Day. I had already bought my Dad’s gift, and I didn’t need to think about it again until Sunday. Right now it was time to relax. Time for a nap in fact.
Just as I was about to nod off on the couch, a large rock came sailing through my window. I picked the glass shards off me and picked it up to throw it back.
That’s when I noticed it. The note wrapped around the stone.
Oh no.
I was afraid that it was time for another assignment, and I was right. With trembling fingers, I opened the note and read.
Agent GEBIV,Your mission, should you choose to accept it… well actually, weather you want it or not, is to discover what Evil Glenn has planned to do on Father’s Day. And remember, we still have that picture Evil Glenn took of you last week. So you better not slack off on this assignment. Of course, if you are discovered, we will disavow all knowledge of your actions. Unless you are photographed in another compromising position. In that case, we want the copies.
H.
This message will self destruct…
Now!
*KA-BOOM*
The paper exploded right in my face, knocking me over the back of the couch. Which fortunately protected me from the effects of the rock exploding. But while the couch took most of the impact from the rock fragments, there was nothing to stop the impact of the couch on my chest.
When did he start using exploding rocks?
I slowly pushed the wreckage of the second couch of mine that Harvey had destroyed off of myself and limped over to the phone. I figured that I was going to need a little help, because it looked like time for another…
MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)
Fortunately for me, my blogless brother was in town to help celebrate Father’s Day with our blogless Dad. I just hoped that he would be able to hack into Evil Glenn’s computer. I wasn’t looking forward to attacking Evil Glenn’s fortress again any time soon.
We met up outside of a house with un-encrypted wireless that we had discovered the last time he was in town. I explained exactly what I was looking for, and he got right down to work.
Just a few minutes later he was in. It would have taken less time, but he got distracted by a popup for “Refinancing! With low, low mortgage rates.” If I hadn’t been there to remind him that he didn’t have a mortgage to refinance, who knows what he’d have signed up for?
Once we had access to Evil Glenn’s computer, it was just a matter of finding his personal planner. I knew that what we were looking for would be there. After all, you don’t get to be a centuries old vampire with plans to crush the blogsphere without good organizational skills.
It didn’t take us too long. Soon, we had found what the epitome of evil had planned for the day.
June 20, 2004 Personal Planner7:00 AM: Eat breakfast in bed, served by my many blogchildren.
8:00 AM: Make the Insta-children clean up the mess from eating in bed.
9:00 AM: Go to the orphanage and tease all of the children for not having fathers. (It’s so easy to make them cry on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day)
10:00 AM: Call Harvey and tell him that he is being served with a paternity suit.
11:00 AM: Call Frank J. and tell him he was really adopted.
Noon: Lunch with Insta-Wife
1:00 PM: Call Harvey while pretending to be his wife’s doctor. Tell him all of the pregnancy tests are positive.
2:00 PM: Go to Father-Son hobo whacking with Insta-Dad.
3:00 PM: Go back to the orphanage and announce that everybody’s fathers are coming to pick them up.
4:00 PM: Tell all of the orphans that their fathers died in car accidents on the way to the orphanage. HAHAHAHAHA
5:00 PM: Call Frank J. and tell him that I’m his father.
6:00 PM: Call Harvey with three more paternity suits.
7:00 PM: Dinner. Alone. Mmmm, blended puppies.
8:00 PM: One more call to Harvey with a paternity suit. (I can’t get enough of that. HAHA)
9:00 PM: Bed (Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and evil beyond mortal comprehension. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
After reading Evil Glenn’s plans for Sunday, I was just glad that I hadn’t made enough of a splash in the blogsphere to be a target this time. I hoped that this would warn Harvey and Frank. Just one of those calls would be enough to terrorize me.
Suddenly, my brother called out, “He’s tracked us! He’s sending a spike!”
I yanked the wireless card out of my laptop just as my blogless brother disconnected his. From inside the house, we could here a loud popping noise as the electrical spike fried the wireless transmitter.
Oh well, that’s why we don’t use my connection any more.
Posted by GEBIV at June 18, 2004 09:10 PM