June 23, 2004

PGH: What Would Reagan Do?

This week's Precision Guided Humor assignment from the Alliance is pretty straightforward. What would Reagan do if he were President; how would he run the war on terror? I realize that we couldn’t completely scrap the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution. If that were the case, Clinton would never have been elected, Reagan would still be president (assuming, for the sake of the assignment that he never developed Alzheimer’s) and the terrorists would have never dared to attack us.

But instead, let us take a different path down alternative realities:

In 1998, three years after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, Ronald W. Reagan is cured by the newest Jelly Belly™ Brand jelly bean flavor, Chitlins. (All of the new meat flavors were found to cure various brain related illnesses) After fully recovering from the debilitating disease, and observing the debilitating Clinton Presidency, he helps push through a repeal of the 22nd Amendment which allows him to run in 2000. With the younger George W. Bush as his new Vice-Presidential candidate, he wins with yet another landslide, over the Clinton/Reno ticket. (In an interesting minor note, with the cure of most mental diseases by the new Jelly Belly™ flavors, Al Gore recovered from his rabid eco-terrorist stance, and he retired from politics to become a male chorus member on Broadway.)

The Oval Office, Washington DC, June 23, 2004:

Ronald W. Reagan, POTUS and the most powerful man in the world paced in his office. Reagan’s antithesis had just released his biography, and he was musing over weather or not to repeal the Presidential Edict forbidding assassinations. In the end, he decided against it. He felt that Clinton would only benefit from being dead before anyone had a serious chance to call him on the lies in his book. Besides, Reagan had a war to run.

He sat down at his desk and pressed the intercom button to call his secretary. “Send in the Joint Chiefs.” As they filed in, he grabbed a handful of Jelly Beans. “OK,” he said as the candy jar was passed around. “Give me the update on the war.”

“Well sir,” the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs began, “your solution to the Falluja problem was just brilliant. By pulling out our troops as soon as all of the civilians had a chance to evacuate, we really kept down the collateral casualties. Then, waiting until the city had filled up with Al Qaeda before leveling it really maximized the long term benefits.”

He handed over a small stack of satellite photographs. “As you can see here, the site of the former city of Falluja is now the worlds largest glass parking lot. I’d like to add sir, that the military is extremely grateful for the opportunity to finally drop a big one. 60 years is just too long to wait between nuclear explosions.

“Incidentally, after the fallout had passed, and the population downwind was allowed to return to their homes, they all commented on how much nicer the area smelled.”

“And how are things going in Saudi Arabia?” Reagan asked.

“Your plan there is going just great. We’ve got all of our people out of there, and it looks like Al Qaeda will soon be overthrowing the Saud Princes. Then, we can go right back in, kill all of the terrorists and set up a democratic government. From there, it’s only a matter of time until the rest of the Middle East starts to want real, representative governments too.”

“How about in Iran?”

“We’re not really sure about what’s happening there right now, sir. After we nuked Falluja, the Ayatollahs all… well, they kind of went to pieces. Someone mailed us what we think is the head of the former Iranian Leader.”

Reagan chuckled to himself at the news. “But what kind of government are they trying to set up?” He pressed the General.

“We think that they are heading for a democracy.” He answered. “But as of yet we’re not absolutely sure. Right now, the country seems to be having a giant Frat party. Everyone is running around getting drunk and shaving off their beards. But once the beer runs out, we think that they will be having free elections.”

“OK, good enough for now. What’s the situation in Syria?”

“Not pretty. At least for the terrorists. Letting the Israelis loose on them was a pretty mean thing to do. Our intelligence predicts that there won’t be a terrorist left alive in Syria by the end of the week. On the other hand, there is now a lot of empty land for the Palestinians to move into. We may have killed two birds with one stone there.”

Reagan thought over the news for a minute, absently chewing his Jelly Beans. After a few moments thinking, he decided that he wouldn’t change anything for the moment. Everything in the Middle East seemed to be going the way it should. “Very good, gentlemen. That will be all for today.”

The generals all stood, and one by one saluted Reagan as they left. Reagan returned the salute to each of them, but stopped the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs before he left. “One more thing General. How is our invasion of France going?”

The general laughed. “It’s already over. You know how Chirac said that the French would fight to the last man?”


“Well apparently, the last man was a dockworker living in Marseilles. And he left the country last week. Apparently to join our Marines.”

“Has any of this leaked to the press yet?”

“Nope. They think that it’s a WWII memorial ceremony honoring U.S. soldiers. So they didn’t send any reporters at all. That and the fact that we only used one platoon of Marines kept it pretty much out of the press’s attention.”

“Good. Now maybe we can finally get rid of the Socialist over there too.”

The General left, softly closing the door behind him. Reagan scooped up another handful of Jelly Beans. The world was in good hands.

Posted by GEBIV at June 23, 2004 05:09 PM


GEBIV, you ROCK! :-)

Posted by: Harvey at June 23, 2004 09:42 PM
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