July 13, 2004

PGH: How Will Michael Moore Die?

I guess that I haven’t been doing many Alliance Assignments lately. Actually, I haven’t been doing much posting at all lately. I blame this on everyone else. I spend so much time reading everyone else’s witty writings that I don’t take any time to do any writing myself. I’m very ashamed that I never got around to linking some truly wonderful things that I have found.

I will also admit to a little pressure from the outside world. But that has been mostly in the form of relatively high temperatures. Once you combine them with the humidity, you get a sort of weather-enhanced BEAL.

Anywho… back to the Precision Guided Humor Assignment. Namely, How do I think Michael Moore will die?

With the theory that Only The Good Die Young, the corollary would project that Moore would live so long as to be indistinguishable from an immortal.* A truly frightening thought. The American populace would be subjected to Moore’s drivel for countless generations, and his ability to distinguish fact from fancy would be eroded with each “documentary” he produced. However, each successive administration would become more and more conservative, as the public’s reaction to the vile filth on the screen pushed them more and more away from the wacko leftist policies he spews.

Eventually, he would be driven out of the United States by public outcry over the messes left in the theaters showing his works.** He would then be forced to only exist in the shadowy half-world that we know as France. Of course, he would still win the Cannes Film Festival each year, but no one will take it seriously anyways.

From his dark, Twinkie wrapper littered cave in France, he would always be plotting the destruction of the United States.*** Eventually, the entire Western world would have rise up to wipe his evil from the face of the earth.

This could be done in several ways. The first, cutting off his Twinkie supply, would unfortunately take several generations to accomplish. Moore could probably survive off of his personal Strategic Twinkie Reserve for many years, with his own internal supply lasting many decades as well.

The second way would be to increase his Twinkie consumption. This would result in the Monty-Python restaurant patron explosion so wonderfully depicted by Susie’s photoshopped post. The downside to this method is that it would probably cause widespread famine as the entire food production of the United States was entirely geared to the production of snack cakes in the effort to keep up with the demand necessary to overload Moore’s system.

A quicker solution would be to drop an asteroid on him.****

Of course, this is all assuming that the Good Die Young Corollary actually exists and applies to Moore. Lately, it has been shown by the United States Armed Services that bad people often die very quickly and painfully. And while I am NOT advocating the removal***** of Michael Moore by the Marines, I do use it as an example that just being evil is not the key to a long life.

In all likelihood, Moore will probably die from a massive heart attack when he realizes that his movie was one of the key components of the landslide victory that George W. Bush achieved over John Kerry in the 2004 election.


* A good example of the of The Good Dying Young Corollary actually occurring is Fidel Castro. Who I assume is only alive because the ground keeps spitting him back up every time they try to bury him.

** 40-60 people all throwing up at the same time and place can be quite… fragrant.

*** A lot like Sauron in Baradur. Or better yet, like Sheolob in the caves at the top of the “Secret Stairs.” What with being big, fat, hairy and all…

**** Unfortunately, this would probably cause massive death and destruction in France, and many of Moore’s strongest and most rabid supporters would undoubtedly be incinerated along with him, in addition to… wait, is any of this really that bad?

***** With Extreme Prejudice

Posted by GEBIV at July 13, 2004 09:46 PM

Worth the wait!

Posted by: Susie at July 14, 2004 01:22 AM


VERY glad to have you back, GEBIV.

Maybe you should put up a tipjar and try to raise money for an air conditioner?

I agree. It's rough trying to write in muggy weather.

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