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Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Law

The rumors were flying around the blogsphere. Evil Glenn had been seen in Washington, D.C. lobbying for a new law. The cry went out. Find out what law Evil Glenn was trying to get pushed through Congress.

I immediately went to my usual sources. But Great Wok - Chinese Restaurant was out of fortune cookies and I decided that I really wasn’t in the mood to play “Twenty Questions” with my Magic 8-Ball.(1)

It looked like I was going to have to find a Washington insider(2). I quickly searched through the yellow pages for a phone number. But no luck. You’d think that they were trying to keep themselves secret or something. In desperation, I put up an ad in several usenet newsgroups.

Wanted: Washington Resident

Blogger Totally apolitical investigator seeking anyone
with knowledge of Evil Glenn Glenn Reynolds’ activities
in and around the Capitol Building during the last several weeks.

Large Small Possible Reward!

Just a few hours after I had posted the ad, I received a phone call. Unfortunately, it was just someone trying to get me to change long distance carriers. Finally, after a considerable wait, I got the call I was hoping for. A digitally modified voice identified itself as “Deep Pants.” Then the voice on the phone set up a meeting place and demanded a reward of $500 in well laundered bills(3).

At the set time, I arrived at the meeting place. An underground parking ramp in the middle of the night(4). A figure in a rumpled business suit stepped out of the shadows and walked into the light.

“You bring the money?” the figure asked.

I nodded and he motioned for me to hand it to him. As I handed the money over, I had a nagging feeling that I recognized him. I wasn’t absolutely sure in the poor lighting, but I had the feeling that I had seen him somewhere. Possibly on television.

The stranger counted the money twice, and then crumpled the bills between his fingers. Then, after apparently determining they were soft enough, he stuffed the money down his pants.

Suddenly I remembered where I had seen him, and who he was. “Sandy Berger! You're Deep Pants?” I exclaimed. “I saw you on the news.”

“Keep it down.” he replied. “If anyone from the DNC finds out I’m selling information to a blogger, I’ll never get a job there again.”

“I think that stealing classified notes will have more to do with that.” I remarked.

“Are you kidding?” he shot back. “That was totally under orders… I mean… that was a personal problem. And they said they won’t hold it against me.”

A just looked at him for about thirty seconds.

“OK, it was both.” He muttered.

“Never mind that.” I said. “Do you have the information that I need? What law is Evil Glenn trying to get passed?” I felt dirty just talking to him, but I needed to know. And he seemed to be the only one who knew what Evil Glenn was up to.

Berger started chuckling. “Boy do you guys have it all wrong.”

“What do you mean?” I demanded.

“He’s not trying to get a law passed. He’s trying to get one repealed.”

Now I was really confused. Why would Evil Glenn want a law taken off of the books? He was a lawyer, and the more laws there were, the more control they had over the rest of us. “What law could he possibly want removed?” I asked in befuddlement.

“Well, as far as I have been able to tell,” he answered, “It is the law that has to do with the illegalities about certain kinds of relationships between adult humans and flightless waterfowl.”

I staggered as if struck by a physical blow. It was worse than I had suspected. Far worse.

As I stood there swaying, trying to come to grips with what I had just learned, I barely noticed Sandy Berger disappearing back into the shadows. But it didn’t matter. He had told me what I had wanted to know. More than I wanted to know, really.

I knew I had to warn the rest of The Alliance. Evil Glenn was trying to come out of the figurative Arctic Waterfowl Habitat(5), (the filthy penguin lover) and he was trying to use Congress to do it.

I just had one more question running through my mind. How am I going to tell Harvey I used his “Graffiti Currency” to pay off Berger?

(1)Besides, after that incident when it picked the wrong Superbowl Winner last year, half the time, all that pops up in the window is “Please! Not the dryer! Anything but the dryer!

(2)Wouldn’t “The Washington Insiders” be a great name for a sports team?

(3)And when the voice said well laundered, it wasn’t joking around. It specified only money that had been run through the wash at least twice. Preferably with a fabric softener. I was also told that if there was any crispness or sharp creases on the bills that the deal would be called off.

(4)I know that it sounds like a cliché, but there are certain rules that must be followed in situations such as this.

(5)Sort of like coming out of the closet, but involving more ice and saltwater.

Posted by GEBIV at July 22, 2004 09:52 PM