There's One, Only!

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn Sidekick

The assignment came to me as a whisper in the Men’s room at Burger King. I was washing my hands after getting Bar-B-Que sauce all over my fingers. (I highly recommend one of their new Angus Burgers. Preferably with bacon and cheese. Oooh, just listen to those arteries clogging. But I digress…)

“Agent GEBIV, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find out who Evil Glenn’s Sidekick will be. If you are discovered, we will of course disavow all knowledge of your actions. And, unlike the Democrats, you will be prosecuted for any laws you are caught breaking. Good luck, and may the Force be with you.”

Just great, I thought. I haven’t had Harvey bugging me with an assignment for weeks, and all of a sudden he’s back. And now he’s got some sort of Star Wars fetish.

“Oh, and of course this message will self-destruct in 5 seconds…”

I looked around the small room, but couldn’t tell where the message had come from. I quickly backed out of the room and had just shut the door when I heard the explosion. I decided to risk a look and stuck my head back inside.

Looking at the destruction, I figured that the message had been hidden in the soap dispenser. Ironically, when it exploded, the flying soap had cleaned the walls where the shrapnel hadn’t perforated them.

As I snuck out the back door to avoid the manager, I realized that it was time for one more…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

I figured that I was going to need help on this one, but my blogless brother was still missing. (Shortly after moving to Ohio, he purchased a season pass for Cedar Point. And he hasn’t been heard from since.) Then, an idea struck me. I knew who I could call to get me some information on Evil Glenn. Deep Pants.

About 6 hours later, I was at the designated meeting place. The only hard part of the mission so far was getting the money for the payoff. (Fortunately, Harvey keeps his “Graffiti Currency” in the bank where he works. Breaking into a bank vault may be difficult, but it was a lot safer than breaking into the home of a Conservative Blogger. Plus, Harvey has all those whips…)

Finally, after I had waited impatiently for several minutes, Sandy Berger, AKA “Deep Pants” emerged from the shadows. “You got the money?” He asked.

Silently, I held up the wad of soft bills. It was all I could do to not gag at the sight of this Liberal flunky. But I knew that if anyone would have information on a known subversive like Evil Glenn, it was the FBI. And if anyone would have copies of those files it would be the DNC. And if anyone could get a copy of those files out of DNC headquarters, it was Deep Pants.

He smiled perversely at the sight of the money and, fortunately for me, reached into his socks and pulled out a small folder. (I don’t know what I’d have done if he had kept it in his pants.) The exchange was made and we each had what we came for. I put the folder in my briefcase and climbed into my Jeep while Berger stuffed the money down his trousers. He was fading back into the shadows as I burned rubber getting out of the parking ramp. I’d had enough contact with Liberalness to last me quite a while.

When I got home, I opened the files and found that it was worse than we had suspected.

Top Secret Re: Glenn Reynolds, AKA Evil Glenn Possibility of Sidekick Recruitment

It has come to the Bureau’s notice that Glenn Reynolds has been actively recruiting for the position of Evil Sidekick. Several agents were lost retrieving this information. (We believe that the Bureau’s tradition of disguising its Agents as homeless people may need to be reconsidered.) The information discovered was worse than feared. Evil Glenn has not only recruited a sidekick, he has also recruited two sub-henchmen.

Unfortunately, at this time, very little information is available on said subjects. Further investigation is required, but it is believed that the subjects came from somewhere South of the United States. We are recommending an Inter-Agency investigation with the CIA on investigating the foreign origins of Evil Glenn’s new assistants.

Attached are photos of the subjects.

Evil Glenn Sidekick: “The Penguinette”

Ht: 5’ 4”
Age: 18
Sex: F (we think)
Super Powers: Ability to induce revulsion and nausea by threatening to do “Striptease of Death.”

Evil Glenn Henchmen: “Lawsuit 1” and “Lawsuit 2”

Ht: 3’1” / 3’ Ages: 16mo Sex: ? / ? Super Powers: Ability to sneak up using cuteness to get close enough to serve a subpoena.

I just sat there stunned as I read the files. The world as we knew it was coming to an end. How would we ever be able to stop these new forces of evil?

Posted by GEBIV at July 30, 2004 07:58 PM