October 13, 2004

PGHA: Kerry's Sensitive War on Terror

Once again, the call went out across the blogsphere. The Alliance was mobilizing to finally answer the ultimate question. What the heck did John Kerry mean when he said that he would fight a “more sensitive war on terror?”

Fortunately, I knew a way that I could find out. I dug the Daydream Reader™ out of my Box Of Really Cool Stuff®. With just a few modifications, I figured that this would be able to let me see what Kerry’s vision of the future was like.

I quickly went to work, and after crossing 3 wires, adding a blender, a welding mask (to make it a Virtual Reality Helmet), and four 9-Volt batteries, I had adapted the D. Reader™ to be a Democratic Unreality Helmet™.

Once I had the D.U.H. in place, I programmed in the D.R.E.A.D. (Democrats Reigning Eternally, Alternate Dimension) setting, and set the target time for 6 months into the future.


Immediately, the image of the interior of the Oval Office appeared. President Kerry was yelling into the phone on his desk.

“I know that the order was for blue drapes. But that was yesterday. Now I want purple drapes. I don’t care what you have in stock. If you don’t get me what I want, I’ll have the Vice-President sue you like there was no tomorrow.” With that, he slammed the phone down on the desk. “Stupid contractors. Think their Unions can protect them. Hah.”

Just then, an intern stuck her head in through the door. “Mr. President, the Secretary of State is here to see you.”

“Send her in.”

The door closed, and then a few moments later reopened and in walked Hillary Clinton. “John,” she said. “I’ve got good news and bad news.

“First, almost all of the troops are pulled out of Iraq, and they’ve only suffered 25% casualties since you banned the use of ammunition for the frontline troops. With the rest of Europe getting ready to invade… I mean help with winning the peace, the Iraqi “freedom fighters” are mostly saving their bullets for later.

“But there have been 5 bombings of U.S. Embassies in predominantly Moslem countries, two cruise liner high-jackings, and someone claims to have planted a nuclear bomb at Mt Rushmore.”

“Hmm…” he said, furrowing his forehead in concentration as much as his Botox injections would allow. “And what’s the bad news?”

“Were almost completely out of caviar in the Cabinet break room.”

“What!?” He punched a button on his intercom. “Quick! Send for Madam Zeroni.” He disconnected the call. “This can not be tolerated. Do we know the cause?”

“Well,” Hillary answered. “It seems that due to all of the terrorist activities in the Baltic Region, caviar production has almost ground to a halt.”

“When I said that we needed to get back to where terrorism was an inconvenience, I didn’t mean to me! We have to do something about this.

“Ah, good. You made it.” He said to the large woman in the voluminous robe who was entering the room. “We need your help. There have been certain terrorist actions that have hurt us, and we need you to help us. I want you to contact your spirits and find out who and where those terrorists are.”

“Just one moment, Mr. President…” she said as she started to go into a trance. “The terrorists who attacked the American troops are…”

“No. It’s not them I want.” He interrupted.

“Then, the terrorists who bombed the U.S. Embassies are in…” She was cut off again.

“Stop. Not them either.”

“The terrorists who planned the high-jacked ships are…”

“You’re wasting my time.” He interjected again. “They’re not who I want.”

“The ones who planted the bomb?” She inquired timidly.


“The one’s planning your assassination?”

“No- wait, what was that again?”

“There are seven terrorists in the downtown D.C. area who are planning your assassination as we speak. Would you like to know about them?” she asked with a small smirk.

“Oh, them. We know all about them. We’re trying to tie them to a right-wing conspiracy before we round them up. They’re no threat.” He said.

“Well then,” she said, a little testily, “What did you want me for?”

“We need to know where the terrorists who are disrupting the caviar industry are.” He explained.

She resumed her trance, and a few minutes later had given the President and Secretary of State the names and descriptions of the terrorists. “Are you going to send the Special Forces after them now?” she asked.

“No. We don’t do any of that cowboy stuff.” He said. “Hillary here will get together with her coven and curse them into oblivion. She’s no good at that clairvoyant stuff, that’s why we needed you. But give her a target, and she’s one of the best cursers around.”


With that, I pulled the D.U.H. off of my head and scratched my chin in wonder. I hadn’t realized that when he said he’d wage a “more sensitive war on terror,” he was talking about spiritual sensitives.

Can’t say I was surprised about Hillary being a witch though.

Posted by GEBIV at October 13, 2004 06:55 PM


Plus one thrown tomato for the bad pun :-P

Posted by: Harvey at October 14, 2004 01:11 PM

Pun? Where?

Posted by: GEBIV at October 14, 2004 06:03 PM
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