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Filthy Lie: Little Known Facts About Evil Glenn

To rip off a great idea
Frank J.'s...

Little known facts of thy enemy, Evil Glenn:

*Evil Glenn didn’t always blend puppies for energy shakes. He started smaller, drowning and then blending hamsters, but was stopped by John Kerry.

*Glenn once tried to blend a cat, but the net blood loss from the cat scratching him while trying to get it into the blender was too great. Plus it had a funny aftertaste and gave him hairballs.

*In a battle between Aqua-man and Evil Glenn, Aqua-man would lecture Glenn on the evils of being, well… Evil. Evil Glenn would then whack Aqua-man like a homeless hobo.

*Evil Glenn once actually spent a holiday in Cambodia. It was only Columbus Day, so he wouldn’t have had the day off from whatever evil enterprise he was engaged in anyways.

*There are over 200 ways to say snow in the Eskimo tongue, but only one way to say “Indeed.”

*Evil Glenn never actually participated in “Genghis Kahn like atrocities.” But not for lack of trying.

*Evil Glenn is a Red Sox fan, and brokered the deal where the players sold their souls to the devil in return for a winning season.

*If the Red Sox loose the World Series, the players get their souls back and Evil Glenn has to return his commission.

*Unfortunately, he already blended all of it.

*As a vampire lawyer, Evil Glenn is vulnerable to garlic, stakes through the heart, and Celine Dion tapes.

*Actually, everyone is vulnerable to a stake through the heart.

*Celine Dion too.

*That is, everyone is vulnerable to Celine Dion music. (Although, I guess a stake through the heart would probably work on her as well. Aw, you know what I meant…)

*In order to help quit his smoking addiction, Evil Glenn took up chewing tobacco.

*That only worked until he ran out of dogs named “Tobacco.”

*Evil Glenn once worked for Halliburton.

*He brought a barrel of oil to the job interview to trade in for some blood.

*He quit when he discovered that they weren’t as evil as everyone said they were.

*Evil Glenn has an irrational fear of the number 42.

*This is probably a result of the several times that he was beat up by 42, 73-year old grandmothers.

*He doesn’t visit nursing homes anymore.

*This has affected his Alzheimer’s class action suit.

*But not too much, he was making a lot of it up before anyways.

*Evil Glenn was once the target of an ASPCA lawsuit.

*It was dropped when they couldn’t find a lawyer willing to risk his life against Evil Glenn in a courtroom.

*Evil Glenn stopped buying Girl Scout cookies when he discovered that they were not made from actual Girl Scouts.

*When they stopped showing up to try to sell him more, he had to end his home-recipe experiments.

*Contrary to his other evil actions, Trick-or-Treaters are very welcome at his Evil Fortress.

*Especially ones dressed as Girl Scouts.

Posted by GEBIV at October 22, 2004 07:08 PM