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Stolen golf jokes

Here are a few golf jokes that I found in an extremely good article in the March 2005 edition of Golf Digest. Since I remember reading at least three quarters of them somewhere else before, I have no qualms about shamelessly stealing them. Not to mention, the author admits to stealing more than a few of them himself…

“Bad day at the course,” a guy tells his wife. “Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole.”

“That’s terrible!” she says.

“You’re telling me. All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie.”

A guy’s wife asks him, “If I were to die, would you get married again and share our bed with your new wife?”

And he says, “I guess I might.”

“What about my car?” she asks, “Would you give that to her?”

And he says, “Perhapse.”

“Would you give my golf clubs to her, too?” his wife asks.

“No.”

“Why not?” asks the wife.

“She’s left handed.”

This one is from Lee Trevino.

There’s an amazing golf ball that comes equipped with beeps and lights so that it simply can’t be lost.

“That’s fantastic!” another golfer says. “Where’d you get that ball?”

“Oh, I found it.”

My favorite quote of the whole article is from Bob Hope.

“My opponent said that he’d give me a stroke on 14 if I’d give him a free throw. That sounded pretty good until we got to the green, and he picked up my ball and threw it into the pond.”

God, I wish that I could have played just one round with him. I could have died happy on the 18th green. Although I probably would have passed out from laughing on the 7th.

And this last joke, while not by Bob Hope, had me laughing so hard that I was seeing spots.

A guy walks up to some slow golfers and hands them a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute. Can I play through?”

“Bug off,” they tell him. “You can wait just the same as anybody else.”

On the next hole, a ball flies at the group and hits one of the slow golfers hard. Doubled over in pain on the ground, the guy looks back at the tee and sees the deaf guy. He’s got his driver in one hand, and the other hand is holding up four fingers.

This last joke wasn’t actually in the magazine. But the article did have a form of the same joke. And since it's one of my all time favorite golf jokes...

A doctor, a minister, a lawyer and an engineer are playing behind an extremely slow group of golfers. It takes them over three hours just to play the front nine.

At the turn, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

“I’m sorry about the slow play,” the club pro says. “But those four golfers are firemen who lost their eyesight while fighting a fire to save the golf course. So now the club lets them play whenever they want for free.”

The four men are chagrinned. The doctor says, “As soon as I get home, I’m going to check all of my medical journals to see if there is some treatment I can do for those poor men.”

The minister says, “I’ll set up a fundraiser to help their families, and put them on our prayer list.”

The lawyer says, “I’ll check the case, and see if there is any legal help I can give them.”

The engineer says, “Can’t they just play at night?”

(that is all)

Posted by GEBIV at February 15, 2005 06:48 PM