There's One, Only!

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn as a Substitute Teacher

I was driving down a back-alley, looking for my contact. Earlier in the day, I had seen a peculiar item in the want-ads.

PUPPIES FOR SALE!!1! To good home only. No Blenders allowed. Call Harvey @ 555-5555

That was the signal that I had a new assignment. Ever since my recent Alliance promotion, things had changed. I didn't get any more respect, but I also didn't get any exploding surprises at my home. Now, all I had to do was wait for certain key phrases in the paper to let me know where and when to go get my assignment. The key was matching up the phrase with the time and location in my code book. Which is what led me to this dark back-alley. In the middle of the night.

I recognized the meeting place by the graffitti on the wall. The giant "MEET ME HERE" spray-painted on the wall is reallllllll subtle. I thought to myself. I parked the Jeep and got out. A little nervously, I walked over and stood in the circle of light shining on the giant "X" painted on the ground. Suddenly, having an exploding message appear out of nowhere was starting to look pretty good in comparison.

While I was standing there, contemplating my mortality, a figure in a trench-coat and Fedora darted out of the shadows and shoved an envelope into my hands. A moment later, the figure was gone, disappearing back into the deep shadows.

I tore the end off the envelope, and a small cassette fell into my palm. "Just great," I muttered. "I don't have a tape player."

The figure dashed back out of the shadows and handed me a tape recorder before rushing away again. I shrugged and put the tape in the deck. I paused a moment before hitting the "play" button. Oh well. I've gone this far.

*Click*

"Good evening Mr. GEBIV. Recently, our intelligence sources have uncovered a disturbing fact. No longer content to corrupt his students during the standard three classes a week a Professor has to teach, Evil Glenn has started taking substitute teaching jobs. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what happened at one of Evil Glenn's recent substitute teacher performances.

"This is a dangerous assignment, so we understand if you do not wish to accept it. But frankly, you'd look like a big chicken if you wimped out now.

"On the other hand, if you are discovered, captured or killed, we will disavow all knowledge of your actions. (Just make sure you get back in time to do the roundup)

"This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds..."

I popped the tape out of the player, and threw it into a trash can. And then to be nice, I tossed the tape-recorder back to the mysterious figure that had lent it to me.

A small puff of smoke popped out of the trash can. That wasn't too bad. Then, from the darkness where I had assumed the trench-coated figure was hiding, I heard. "Oh crap!" And was promptly knocked down as the person rushed past me, running as hard as possible for the street at the end of the alley.

I didn't need to be told twice, so I jumped into my Jeep and burned rubber out of there. I was just passing the mysterious character when I heard the explosion behind me.

*KAAAAABOOOOOOOM!!!!!

A glance in the mirror showed me the two buildings that formed the alleyway collapsing towards each other. And a Fedora being blown towards me. I reached out the window and grabbed the hat. And when I stopped to put it on, I spied my contact. He was draped over a street light, but the way he was cursing, I figured he would be fine.

I slammed the Jeep back in gear and headed south to Tennessee. As I left the impromptu urban renewal behind, I knew that it was once again, time for another...

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

Some time later, I pulled into the parking lot at Evil Glenn's campus. When I went to his office, I found a schedule tacked to his door showing all of his substitute teaching gigs. I was in luck. He was subbing right at that moment at a Junior College down the street. Some class called "Introduction To The Legal Profession."

I ran back to the Jeep and hopped in. I hoped I would be in time. And that I would be able to stomach what I found.

For good or ill, I made it to the class before Evil Glenn had finished. When I stuck my head the door, he was apparently just finishing up a section of the lesson.

"...and that is how you properly set it up to double bill your client." he was saying.

A hand went up from the middle of the classroom. "But is that ethical to do?" a young man asked.

"Hmmm?" answered Evil Glenn. "Ethical?" He turned his back to the class and walked over to his desk. Once there, he pulled out a dictionary and started thumbing through it. "Let's see." he muttered to himself as he ran a finger down the page. "Energy... esoteric... ethane... ah, here it is.

"Ethics. Noun. Pertaining to the morality of a situation. Said to actually be a concern of people outside the legal profession."

He turned back to face the student who had asked the question. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand your question.

"But I'm afraid that we don't have any time for more questions. I have to move on to the next portion of the syllabus. The use of legal means to deprive your enemies of their dwellings."

"Why should we do that?" another student, a young woman, asked.

Evil Glenn seemed surprised at the question and blurted out. "Because then they would be homeless."

The students didn't understand the answer, but I knew what he was aiming at all too well. It was clear to me that this Dark Lord of the Blogsphere was using these substitution appearances to spread his own, personal form of evil to the next generation.

I needed to know how far Evil Glenn was planning to go, so I crept into the room far enough to grab one of the class outline sheets sitting on a table just inside. Fortunately, Evil Glenn was concentrating on his power point presentation, and I was not seen. Retrieving the paper, I stepped back outside the classroom to read it.

My blood ran cold when I saw the next section of the lesson plan. "The Liquification of Canis Minoris as Preparation for Court Appearances: with live demonstration."

I had to disrupt his plans somehow. I couldn't let these poor, innocent, pre-law ... well poor at least, students be corrupted any further. I looked around the hallway for some way to stop the class. There were a bunch of lockers, a few scattered pieces of paper... some gum stuck to the floor...

A fire alarm! Inspiration!

I ran into the next room, a chemistry lab, and found what I was looking for. A large CO₂ fire extinguisher. Grabbing the large steel cylinder, I dashed back to Evil Glenn's lecture.

I could tell that he had moved on to the final part of the lesson. A large blender was sitting on the table, and Evil Glenn was bending over a large basket of puppies, trying to choose his first victim.

I couldn't let it go any further. Before he could get a good grip on one of the squirming little dogs, I ran up and hit him over the head with the extinguisher.

This just barely seemed to get his attention. He turned and peered at me over his glasses. "Ah, agent GEBIV. So good of you to join us."

I couldn't think of any witty repartee, so I just hosed him down with the CO₂. The extreme cold temperature froze him solid right before his hands could reach me. When the vapor from the extinguisher cleared, he was standing there immobile. A life-sized Evil Glennsickle with his arms outstretched towards me.

Finally, a witty comment popped into my head.

"Instapundo delenda est!" I said as I pushed him over backwards. Unfortunately, he didn't shatter into thousands of pieces, like in Terminator 2. He just made a *thud* sound when he hit. But it was still a really cool moment.

I turned to the students. "Class dismissed." I told them. "And a free puppy to anyone without a blender."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Evil Glenn start to wiggle his pinky. I took that as my cue to leave, and bolted. As I drove home, I could only hope that I had saved those students in time... and that I would get back in time to do the roundup!

Posted by GEBIV at April 8, 2005 09:10 PM