April 27, 2005

PGHA: New Weapons for the War on Terror

Recently, a disturbing trend has begun to appear in fighting terrorism. Due to Darwinian survival of the fittest, all of the easy to kill terrorists are dead, and the ones that are left are getting tougher and tougher to eliminate.

It's even gotten so bad that regular weapons are becoming less effective. In one case, the terrorist appeared to have the Agent Smith like ability to dodge bullets. (If some skinny guy in a black trench coat hadn't shown up and taken out the bad guy, it could have gotten real ugly.)

So, the Department of Defence has been forced to come up with some new weapons on the war on terror. Here is what I have been able to discover about the soon to be issued weapons.


First, the new standard issue sidearm:

STING(MIM): Just like it's Lord of the Rings namesake, the Sting (Militant Islamist Modification) Standard Issue, glows when in the presence of enemies. However, instead of detecting orcs, this model glows blue when in the presence of Militant Islamists. This dagger will be given to all ground forces engaged in clearing the Sunni Triangle.

Next, the Commanding General will be armed with:

Anduril (The Flame of the West, Narsil re-forged): This mystic weapon, when wielded by Isildur's Heir could hold the key to defeating the terrorists. By using the this sword as his proof of kingship, the heir will be able to rally the undead-oath breakers to help in the defeat of the terrorist forces.

As well as being issued the new Sting(MIM), Special Forces will be equipped with the new Lothlorien Cloaks. This lightweight outer wear both protects from the sun and provides needed warmth during the cold desert nights. It also has proven to have better camouflage properties than any previously existing uniform.

Many of these elite units have also been testing the new replacements to MRE's, Lembas Bread. Early reports have been positive, however there is always the possibility that soldiers being given the same food day after day, no matter how tasty and nutritious, may become bored with the fare.

Presently in research, is the One Ring. This could prove to be the deciding element in the war on terror. The question is weather to use this artifact of phenomenal power to rule, find, bring and bind the other rings of power; or to destroy it and demolish the source of terrorism with it. Currently the project has been put on hold pending the recruitment of a person small enough to be smuggled through enemy lines.

With these additions to the Armed Services regular arsenal, it will only be a matter of time before the forces of terrorism are forever vanquished!

Posted by GEBIV at April 27, 2005 08:29 PM

So that would make Jacques Chirac... Gollum? There IS a vague resemblance :-)

Posted by: Harvey at April 28, 2005 10:30 AM
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