December 14, 2005

PGHA: Amendments to the Patriot Act

Hmmmm... a thought experiment. Let's first imagine that somehow (with nobody checking my background) I became a U.S. Senator over night. Maybe one of my current Senators, like our Junior Senator from New York suddenly sees the error of her ways... or flees ahead of a grand jury indictment or something. Which somehow leads to me becoming one of my state's Senators. Just in time for the upcoming discussions on The Patriot Act.

What provisions would I want to put in it?

Well, on the subject of air-line safety, I'd want mandatory handgun training for all pilots. Mandatory Ninja training for all flight attendants. And knife dispensers at all boarding terminals. If everyone on the plane has a knife, and I'm talking about one of those good solid Buck locking-back knives, no one is going to be afraid of some terrorist with a box-cutter.

And if the terrorist somehow gets past the other passengers, they'd still have to face the Ninja flight attendants, and a probably really pissed pilot with a .45. (Those guys are responsible for all the messes that occur on the plane. And while they personally don't have to clean up all the blood stains, the paperwork is a real pain in the butt.)

Then to beef up our borders, I'd want to install Border Catapults. I don't care if it's a trebuchet, a more Romanesque mangonel, or a giant sling-shot. I just want any illegal aliens who are caught to get a quick return trip. I'd put those Minutemen guys in charge of it.

The Border Catapults would allow us to quickly return illegal aliens across the also newly installed Border Hedge of Thorns without getting anyone needlessly tangled in the thorns. At least once we get the trajectory stuff all figured out...

The Border Hedge of Thorns should allow America to protect it's borders without a lot of complaining from those Enviro-nuts. Actually, I wouldn't hold my breath on that. They'd probably complain even if you installed a ten mile wide Border Wildlife Sanctuary. (They'd complain that all the illegals tramping across it were doing so much damage that elevated walk ways should be installed...) So forget the Enviro-nuts. But I still like the Border Hedge of Thorns.

My only final thought on what to add to the Patriot Act would be some rule stating that the New England Patriots were no longer to be allowed to beat the Buffalo Bills. Or at least had to give the Bills 30 45 points...

Posted by GEBIV at December 14, 2005 08:26 PM | TrackBack
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