December 18, 2005

Winter Cover Up

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I finally understand what "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer" is really about. Up front, it looks like a song about a plucky little reindeer who overcomes his personal disfigurement to become a hero. But that doesn't explain the why of the song. Why does it exist? Surely there were enough Christmas songs already. Enough that no one needed to write a silly one about a proboscally challenged deer.

And then it hit me. The song isn't about Rudolf at all. At least not directly. The key to the whole song is in this one line.

And then one foggy Christmas Eve. Santa came to say,

Did you see that? A FOGGY Christmas Eve? At the North Pole? Fog only occurs when you have warm air over a cold surface, or cold air above a warm surface. And either possibility should never happen at the North Pole. Unless....


And it was happening back in the 50's! But they were smart. Once Big Oil discovered what was going on, they sprang into action. And their answer to the problem was brilliant. Distract everyone from the weather by creating a hero to overcome it. And thus Rudolf was born. (Genetically engineered actually.) And once the song hit the airwaves, everyone was concentrating on the plucky reindeer, and ignoring the real problem.

I found even more sinister evidence of a cover up in "Frosty the Snowman." According to the story of Frosty, he was created by the combined magic of an old silk hat and a Christmas Eve snowfall. A snowfall that was doubly magical because in the story, it was not only Christmas Eve, it was also the first snowfall of the year. That's right, December 24th when the first snow of the year happened. Well over a month later than the standard first snowfall of the year for most of the country. (At least the area I live in.)

And then, the same day that he was made, "Frosty the Snowman knew the sun was hot that day. So, not only did it take untill late December to get cold enough to snow, the next morning it was already starting to melt. Obviously GLOBAL WARMING!

Frosty himself is full of metaphors of the problem. His "corn-cob pipe" represents the cause of GLOBAL WARMING - fuel emissions. (And second-hand smoke.) His "eyes of coal" are symbols of the fuel industries seeing that they are the cause of the problem. While his button nose shows that they aren't going to say a thing about what they know.

But most chilling of all are the events surrounding Bing Crosby's "White Christmas." As one of the first to recognize the problem back in the 40's, Bing sang about how much he missed the Christmases he used to know. He reminisced about snow, and how there wasn't any anymore at Christmas time. And then, in a brutal move by Big Oil and the rest of the fuel industries, he was murdered just 30 years later as an example to other singers. Oh, they say it was a heart-attack, but what are the odds of a pipe smoking 74 year old having a heart attack while golfing?

So remember this Holiday season, as you listen to some of your favorite Christmas songs, remember - GLOBAL WARMING!

(This has been a satire by me, GEBIV. No disrespect is intended to Bing Crosby or his family, whom I am sure still miss him very much.)

Posted by GEBIV at December 18, 2005 03:30 PM | TrackBack
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