There's One, Only!

PGHA: Terrorist Advice

It's Wednesday, and do you know what that means? That's right. A new Mythbusters is on Discovery tonight! (They're going to test weather or not cell phones mess with plane instruments and if you can fly with a helium filled rubber raft. Personally, I wouldn't think that you'd have to do a whole segment on the raft part... just do the math on weight displacement. Besides, the Kid with Balloons episode showed the shear volume needed to suspend just a small kid... but I believe I've digressed enough already.) However, even more important than a new Mythbusters episode is that it is time for...

Another Precision Guided Humor Assignment!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As we MuNuvians say. Yay!

So, this week Harvey asks, "Who could give President Bush good advice on fighting terrorists, and what would they tell him to do?" This of course is in response to all those idiotarians on the West Coast telling the President how to run the War on Terror. You know, because they once played a role in a movie that was being shot in a country that had terrorists... somewhere on the same continent.

I thought about it for a while and managed to narrow down to two candidates; who I thought, based on past performance, would be the best to give advice to the President in the matter of fighting terrorists.

Chuck Norris and Chomps, the world's angriest dog.

Then, once I decided who I'd want advice from, I got them together and in an interview asked each of them a series of questions about terrorism and terrorists.

GEBIV: Thank you both for allowing me to interview you. I've got just three questions that I'll be asking and then I won't take up any more of your time. First, Mr. Norris, what would you do about the terrorists planning to attack the United States?

Chuck: I'd seek them out and give each of them a roundhouse kick to the head.

GEBIV: Isn't that a bit lenient?

Chuck: You think that severing someone's head and propelling it over a mile is lenient? I think I like you.

GEBIV: Uh, that's good. Now Chomps, same question.

Chomps: GROWL BARK BARK SNARL BARK!!!!
(Translation: Kill them all! Kill them! Crush their bones!)

Chuck: I think I like this dog too.

GEBIV: Ok, what do think about the terrorists trying to derail the fledgling government in Iraq?

Chuck: Almost the same thing as I'd do to the terrorists trying to attack the U.S. Only I'd probably use my left leg this time... just so the pile of heads doesn't get too big on one end of the planet, causing a shift in the Earths orbit.

Chomps: BARK BARK GROWL SNAP BARK BARK
(Translation: But Chuck, the planet doesn't have an end. It's a sphere. Unless you are referring to the poles of course, in which case your pile of heads could cause a tectonic shift.)

Chuck: I stand corrected, Chomps. That's never happened before. You impress me.

Chomps: BARK!
(Translation: Thank you Chuck. That means a lot coming from you.)

GEBIV: Gentlemen, if I may get back on topic? Chomps, your answer to the terrorists in Iraq.

Chomps: BARK GROWL BARK SNAP SNARL GROWL-
(Translation: Bite off their privates and shove them up-

GEBIV: I think I can tell where you're going with that. No need to get too descriptive.

Chuck: You know, I think I really like this dog.

GEBIV: Ok then. Last question. What do you think of the President's interception of communications between terrorists and their inside the U.S. contacts. Should this fall under domestic wiretapping laws, or under military/foreign intelligence guidelines?

Chuck: Clearly, this has been blown out of proportion for political reasons. I belive the answer to this is a swift punch to the head.

GEBIV: For the terrorist's contacts?

Chuck: No. For the people who are saying that this is a domestic spying program.

Chomps: BARK BARK SNAP!
(Translation: I agree Chuck. Although I think that a good bite to the lower leg would work as well.)

Chuck: Hmmm... yes. That would be a good alternative.

GEBIV: Again, thank you both. You were very kind to allow me to interview you. And I'd especially like to thank Chomps for not rending me limb from limb. And you too Mr. Norris for not kicking me in the head.

Chomps: GROWL SNAP BARK BARK!
(Translation: As long as you keep the steaks coming. You probably won't be harmed.

Chuck: Yeah, what Chomps said.

Posted by GEBIV at March 15, 2006 09:53 PM | TrackBack