September 01, 2004

PGHA: Kerry's Secret Plan

I was sitting in the Laundromat alone, waiting for my delicates to get done, when I heard a strange buzzing sound. I looked around, but couldn’t quite make out where it was coming from. Finally, after several minutes of searching for the source, I discovered that it seemed to be coming from the Capacity Dryer. I stuck my head inside and was just able to make out a small note taped to the back of the basket.

Insert 25˘

Intrigued, I followed the instruction. Nothing happened. I looked back inside the dryer and saw a second note partly covered by the first one.

You have to close the door too.

As soon as I did, the basket started revolving and a recorded message started playing.

“Agent GEBIV. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to discover what John F’n Kerry’s secret plan to win the war in Iraq is. This assignment is of the utmost importance, so no failure will be accepted. If you are discovered, we will not be able to assist you in any way. So our advice would be to not get caught. Anything that you say or publish in the media, will of course be denied (stupid McCain-Feingold act), so don’t embarrass us.

“Oh, and most importantly…”

The quarter ran out, and the dryer stopped spinning. Stupid Harvey. Can’t get the message to fit on one quarter’s worth of dryer time. But I figured that I would need to know what else the message said, so I dug out my last quarter and dropped it in the slot.

“…good luck!

“This message will self destruct in…”

I didn’t wait for the countdown but dove through the glass window front of the Laundromat.


The explosion threw me across the parking lot and into the back seat of my Jeep. (Fortunately, the top was down, so no damage done.) As I crawled into the front seat and watched the unmentionables drifting down from the sky, I knew that it was once again, time for another…

(Cue Theme Music)

I figured that the best source for John Kerry’s “secret plan” would be from the Democratic Candidate himself. So, I got into my rattiest clothes and tried to infiltrate the nearest DNC meeting where as fortune would have it, John Kerry just happened to be speaking that night. And luckily for me, the program indicated that he would finally be sharing his “secret plan” to win the war in Iraq.

Unfortunately, this was a fundraising event, and they didn’t want anyone as scummy looking as I was to attend. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t have the $5000 cover charge.

There was only one thing left to do. I had to dip into what was left of the “Graffiti Currency” I had stolen from Harvey. I had just enough left to rent a tux, a limo, buy a tape recorder, a few DVD’s (for the limo ride), take a few friends out for lunch at a swanky downtown restaurant, get some new tires for the Jeep, and cover the $5000 per plate dinner for the fundraiser.

Kerry was just getting up to the podium to speak as I was sitting down to eat. Not wanting to waste a good piece of rubber chicken (That’s what I assumed it was, the knife wouldn’t cut it, and three tines broke off of the fork), I threw it at him from the dark corner where I was sitting. No one noticed it fly threw the air, and when it hit Kerry in the head, he looked down at his notes, and apparently not seeing any pre-planned responses to such an occurrence, didn’t say a thing. (It stayed stuck in the side of his hairdo for most of the rest of the night, and was actually the liveliest thing on stage until the dancing lemurs came on. But I digress…)

He then began his speech:

“My fellow Americans. I come to you today with a plan to bring the two Americas together. But I can’t tell you it at the moment, because that too is a secret plan. Instead, I will tell you of the other secret plan I have for ending the war in Iraq. A war not unlike the one I both fought for and against in Vietnam, where I received three Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, and a Silver Star.

“This plan will begin when I have been elected President of the United States, in recognition of the Leadership Qualities that I learned while serving in Vietnam.

“First, I will sit down in the Oval Office, and replace the “W” on the keyboard, which my true predecessor, Albert Gore has given to me. Then, I will be able to go online and type. An action that my opponent, the man who failed to serve his country by joining the Texas National Guard, cannot and will not take.

“Next, I will click the “YES” button on the display asking “Do you want to end the war now?” This will set into motion, the actions of my plan.

“Immediately following my clicking “YES”, in the same manner I learned to pull the trigger of my M-16 while defending America in the jungles of Vietnam, a small red light will turn on deep inside a building in the city of Baghdad. This light will startle a small family of rodents living in the basement of that building, causing them to run out into the living quarters.

“A large cat will chase the rats as the scurry across the floor, pulling on the string tied to its collar. This string will squeeze the trigger of a small caliber pistol, firing one round at a target across the street.

“When the target is hit, a clown sitting on a board will be dropped into a large vat of water. The splash from the clown falling will spill over into a series of gutters, which lead to a cactus growing outside. The water will cause the cactus to bloom, attracting bees. These bees will in turn attract several birds. The birds, once they have eaten all of the insects will fly back to their nests and roost for the night.

“The birds, now heavy from all of the insects they have eaten, will tip the balanced board that their nests are resting on, releasing a catch holding a rope with a concrete block tied to the end. The rope, which snakes through a series of pulleys, will pull the tail of an angry camel tied outside the house.

“The angry camel will run through the streets dropping loaves of bread from the pack on its back. The hungry people of Baghdad will run out and grab the bread and take it home to their families. Once they have eaten the bread, they will read the message on the paper that was baked inside the bread. This message will tell the people of Iraq that the only way for them to be free is to arrest Saddam Hussein.

“The grateful people of Iraq will then arrest Saddam and his two sons and the war with Iraq will be over.”

A small man with a worried look on his face ran up on stage and whispered to Kerry, who apparently forgot that the mic was still on.

“What do you mean the camel got away? …And they ate the paper too?”

More whispering.

“What do you mean they already captured Saddam? And his son’s are what? When?”

More whispering.

“Why aren’t I informed of these things?”

More whispering. And a cringe

“Security briefings? What security briefings? Don’t they know that I served in Vietnam?!?!

“JEEVES! Slap this man.”

As Kerry’s butler trudged across the stage to deliver some undeserved physical abuse to the campaign flunky, I decided that it was time to leave.

If I hurry, I thought, I can still get the deposit back on this tux.

Posted by GEBIV at September 1, 2004 08:55 PM

"“Security briefings? What security briefings? Don’t they know that I served in Vietnam?!?!"


Lovin' this one :-D

Posted by: Harvey at September 2, 2004 10:55 AM


Great one!

Posted by: That 1 Guy at September 4, 2004 02:52 AM
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