There's One, Only!

Shutout!

Woo Hoo!! Miller got a shutout against Philly! I guess that should satisfy all those people who thought that he should be pulled for Biron to start. (Although, Miller and Biron got back to back shutouts to end the season.....)

Anyways, now the series is 3-2, Buffalo over Philadelphia! Game 5 is gonna be in Philly... hopefully that'll be all the Sabres need.

I know. I haven't posted about any of the Sabres' losses. I'll admit that they happen. But I don't have to talk about them if I don't want to. :P

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Podcast

Wow. What a coincidence. This week's Filthy Lie request by Harvey was to find out what Evil Glenn's next podcast was going to be about. And by a freak chance, I happened upon an un-edited recording of just that!

Here's what Evil Glenn really thinks of Tony Snow becoming the new Press Secretary.

Click here to listen to the 'Evil-Glenn-Podcast'

A transcript of the recording is in the extended entry.

Evil Glenn: (really evil laugh)

So. You half-wits at the White House turned down my application to be the new Press Secretary. You felt I would have brought too much "baggage" to the position. You thought that I didn't have the "credentials" to be behind your stupid little podium.

Well. I'll show all of you! (Evil Laugh)

Well Mr. Snow, if that is your real name, we'll see how well you like talking to the press while you're being attacked by my assault penguins! (evil Laugh for a long time) Maurice! Bring me a lozenge.

(Wa wa wa wa wa)

What do you mean they're not ready yet?

(wa wa wa wa wa)

Well, what about the ones in my private chambers?

(wa wa wa wa wa)

Oh then. Just forget it.

Um... Well in that case...

I'll show you all by doing podcasts that sound better than any of your so called press conferences.

Yessss that should do it, Maurice. Now run this recording down to the special effects department so they can take the eeeeevilllll sound out of my voice the way they usually do. And have them edit out that section about the penguins..... mmmmmmm penguins.

(wawawaw)

What do you mean I'm still recording? Oh -

PGHA: New Press Secretary

I've thought long and hard about this week's Precision Guided Humor Assignment.

Who should replace Scott McClellan as President Bush's Press Secretary?

And I just couldn't come up with anything better than Frank J. came up with back when Ari Fleischer was retiring. Chomps. The world's angriest Press Secretary. Chomps is about half way down this In My World instalment.

(I still laugh whenever I read the part where Chomps attacks Michael Moore. In fact, I'm going back to read it again!)

Newer Logo

How's this one?

New Logo

Well, the first try at the new logo is up. It's not exactly what I was looking for. But since my blogless brother is doing it for me for free... and it's way beyond my graphics capabilities... I'm not complaining. Besides, it's just the first try.

It's cool now. And it's going to get even cooler!

A little help?

My family's Convenience Store has started putting in a bakery. To make a long story short; a local baker (who we bought all our rolls and pastries from already) fell out with her landlord and needed a place to set up shop. We were able to giver her space in our store.

Where we need a little help is coming up with a name for this new bakery section in the store. We don't want to put the family name on it because we already have it all over the other parts of the business. And it starts to get a little old when you have (as and example only, and not my family's real name) Smith Car Wash, Smith Gas Station, Smith Detailing...

The bakery is leaning mostly towards cookies and pastries right now, but could expand to making almost any kind of baked goods.

So far the some of the name suggestions are:
Rosemary's Pastries and Pies (Rosemary is the baker)
Pastries and Pies by Rosemary
Heavenly Pastries and Pies
Creekside Baked Goods (We're on a bank right on a large creek. But not quite a river)
Sugars and Starches (One of my goofier suggestions)

Anyone have any better ideas? If you make one and my family likes it, I will personally mail you a box of cookies! (Flavor to be determined by the winner.)

UPDATE: I was just informed that my family wants to make sure that Rosemary's name is incorporated into any name we use, so as to make sure we keep as many of her old customers as possible.

But I really love the responses I've gotten so far! Not to mention how many great suggestions there have been.

Wow

Buffalo Sabres over the Philly Flyers 8 to 2. Two Sabres (Dumont and Pommenville) got hat tricks. Eshe, the super hero goalie for Philly from Saturday Night, gets pulled after letting in 5 goals on 10 shots in the first period... and after dropping his gloves and trying to fight one of the Sabres forwards. Buffalo Coach Lindy Ruff giggling like a little school girl.

OK. I made that last one up. But the rest is all true. The Sabres just DOMINATED the Flyers.

I'm happy. Very happy.

Oh man, I wish I drank.

'Cause then I'd have a better reason for feeling this bad this morning. Ah, stuffed up sinuses. All the pain of The Morning After without the fun of The Night Before.

Anyways, the Sabres won 3-2 over the Flyers last night... in the second overtime. I've got to give a lot of credit to the Flyers' goalie Robert Esche. Without his stellar performance, the score would have been closer to 8-2 Sabres.

Well, it looks like my sinus meds are kicking in. So no more headache! Now for some lunch. I think I'll make a corned beef sandwich...

Cha-cha-changes

You may have noticed a little cosmetic difference here. Or you could be blind. One or the other....

Basically, the Buffalo Sabres (my hometown team) are finally back in the playoffs. Plus, they've got what is arguably the best team they've ever had. So I'm expecting some great things out of them this year.

And to this extent, I'm redecorating for a bit. Once I figure out where everything is in my stylesheet, expect more changes.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn and the Easter Bunny

This week, Harvey asked us to caption this picture.

Evil Glenn: So, you leave eggs and you can't fly... that practically makes you a penguin.

Easter Bunny: Who is this man, and what is he doing with my tail?

That's the best I can do. Sorry.

PGHA: Trailers

It looks like there is only around a 75% chance that the trailers discovered by Allied forces in Iraq were really used for WMD production. So of course, that must be the last thing they'd have been used for.

So, the question is, what were those trailers used for?

Here are some of the ideas that I was able to come up with...

* Storage for Saddam's Archie Comics collection. Oh, that zany Jughead!

* Portable game rooms. So he and his homies could play some Grand Theft Auto wherever they went.

* Penguin farming. Oh wait, that's Evil Glenn's trailer.

* Mobile Barbershop. That bushy mustache didn't trim itself you know.

* Meth Lab. It's hard finding a place the NARCs won't raid.

* Portable Laudrimat. Some of those bedouins have to be forced at gunpoint to change their underwear.

That's all I can come up with. But I'm kind of leaning towards the barbershop. Mushtache grooming is a very important thing. And look how bad Saddam looked after he had to go into hiding and couldn't use the trailers any more...

Dressing Up For Easter Dinner

You know, in my family at least, we're expected to look your best for large family occasions; and Easter dinner is no exception. So no showing up in a t-shirt and torn jeans.

But if "best clothing" is determined by how much something cost, I'll be showing up in my Sabres Third Game Jersey, a sportcoat, my heavy-duty work pants and work boots.

I think I'll just go with what looks nice.

Bad, Harvey!

Sometimes I'm so ashamed of my Blog-family.... but I thought that blog-father Harvey lived in Wisconsin. Maybe he had a long commute.

Filthy Lie: Glennpocalypse

Signs that Evil Glenn is causing the Apocalypse:

* New translations of the Dead Sea Scrolls include the commandment to "Honor thy Blogger."

* Flocks of penguins were sighted flying NORTH for the Summer.

* Waitaminute! Penguins were seen FLYING?

* Several bloggers received massive traffic spikes, WITHOUT a corresponding link from Instapundit.

* One blogger got a link from Instapundit, but DID NOT get any hits from it!

* Movie theaters in Japan are showing Smell-O-Vision.

* The U.S. 9th Court upholds an L.A. City Court ruling that all school courses must be taught in Spanish, Ebonics and/or L33T H4><0r.

* Internet records show that there are now 10 billion blog websites. Or roughly 1.4 sites for every person on the planet. (Unfortunately, most of them have no humor content whatsoever.)

* A cat saves it's family from a house fire. (It claims the fire was set by the family dog...)

* Comedy Central actually censors South Park, out of fear of offending someone... or is that just out of fear?

* And finally, the glut of "Chuck Norris Facts" flowing around the internet is a response to Evil Glenn making the comment that he thought he was better looking than Chuck Norris. Only Evil Glenn's ability to completely disappear into the shadows has prevented Chuck Norris from Roundhouse Kicking him to death. And Chuck not being able to kill someone on the first try, is definitely one of the signs of the Apocalyps.

PGHA: Hoaxing Reuters

Well, it looks like Rueters has another award winning story about Iraq. Not only can they show how the evil U.S. forces have destroyed a hard working family in Iraq. They also stand to make a tidy little sum in the process.

And all as a result of this 100% true e-mail one of their editors recieved. That is in no way a scam or a hoax. Or made up. Really, you can trust them.

Hello,
I am urged to relate my family story to you, which I believe that is the most conventional way to redeem the huge amount deposited in my name, by my late husband.
I am Mrs. Asfoureh Abu Eid. I am married to late Eng. Muwaffaq Abu Eid, an expatriate engineer, who worked with the Mining and Smelting Company (Asturiana de Zinc S.A.) in Spain, for Eleven years. My late husband died during the Iraqi and US war, in a bomb blast that hit our home and killed him instantly.
I and my husband are both Muslims, and married for eleven years without a child; since his death I too have been battling with both cancer and fibroid problem. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of(US$12.5Million) with a security company in Europe. Recently, my doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to my cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.
Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to either a charity organization or a devoted Muslim individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to give instruction with all sincerity to fund Mosque, orphanages, widows and also propagating the Islamic Nation.
The holly Quran emphasizes so much on PROPHET MOHAMED'S benevolence to humankind, that I make this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husbands one surviving brother have been converted to Christianity.
Since, I don't want a situation whereby this money will be used in an unholy manner. Hence the reasons for taking this bold decision. I know that after death I will be with Allah the most beneficent and most merciful. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health, and also, because of the presence of my husbands relatives around me always, I don't want them to know about this development.
As soon as I receive your reply, I shall give you the contact of the Security Company in Europe, where the money was deposited for safekeeping. I will also issue an order of authority to the security company, authorizing them that the said money have being willed to you and a copy of such authorization will be forwarded to you.
I request for you and all the Muslim brothers and sisters to pray for me. My happiness is that I lived a true devoted life worthy of emulation. Whosoever, that wants to serve Allah must serve him in truth and fairness. Al- Quran 59:22-24.
Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your Reply will give room in sourcing for another person /organization for this same purpose. You will have 30% out of the total amount for all your time to carry out this dream, and to cover whatever expenditures to claim this money, then 70% to charity organizations, Mosque, orphanages, widows and Islamic Nation.
Until I hear from you today unfailingly, my dream will rest squarely on your shoulders.
May the Almighty Allah continue to guide and protect us.
Reply through my private email addresses: (asfuabu@yahoo.co.uk)
Peace of Allah be with you.
Mrs. Asfoureh Abu Eid

Plus, this is yet another story which proves the utter selflessness of all Muslims. If it was a Christian, I'm sure that the woman would be spending all the money on cancer research to find herself a cure... so selfishly.

Here's a good read if you like to chuckle.

Laurence Simon, associate poster at IMAO, has an informative Know Thy Enemy: Passover to share with everyone.

And just in case you didn't already know it, Laurence is Jewish. So he's allowed to say these things. (Just a little tip if you were about to get your panties in a bunch about someone making fun of Jews....)

Filthy Lie: A Book for Evil Glenn

I know this week's Filthy Lie was supposed to be about what book I would send to Evil Glenn if I was trying to send him a message.

Unfortunately, do to other things, (a mixture of being a little forgetfull and a little busy) I wasn't able to come up with any titles.

However, a quick hack into Evil Glenn's Amazon.com wishlist did turn up this interesting title. How to Be a Villain: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans and More!!! (Note the three exclamation points. This is a truely evil book.)

So I guess what Evil Glenn is telling us is that he's finally getting around to perfecting his evilness. I guess we'd all better be on our toes from here on out!

PGHA: McKinney's Support

Right now everyone is getting on Rep. Cynthia McKinney's (D, GA) case about her slapping a police officer who was just doing his job when he grabbed her. And a lot of people are focusing on her typical Washington "non-apology apology". But what no one else has seen, is the incredible lengths she is willing to go to show her support for the Capitol Hill Police officers.

The very first thing she did was comission the creation of a new line of McKinney shoes. As soon as she starts wearing them, this stylish new line of footwear has many design features that will be very important to any Capitol Hill Police she comes in contact with.

First, her standard 5-inch stilleto heals have been removed, lowering the amount of damage she'll cause when she stomps on a police officer's instep. The steel toe-caps she also normally sports have been removed in favor of a padded leather toe; so as to lessen any injuries stemming from her typical kicks to an officer's groin. A new tread pattern will inlude a massaging action to help aleveate the stress of any officers she walks over. And the extra-strong Odor Eaters she now wears will make having her step on an officer's face a less offensive experience.

Rep. McKinney(D, GA) has also been experimenting with a new set of gloves. If tests go well, she'll soon be wearing her customized set of gloves with facial moisturizer impregnated leather palms. That way, with every slap, she'll be helping to reduce the skin damage done by police officer's faces being exposed to the cruel Washington, D.C. weather.

And you thought she didn't care about the people serving to keep D.C. safe.

A question for all the computer geeks out there

...and I really do mean that in a good way.

Why doesn't the scroll/slider bar on my new laptop's touchpad work in Mosilla Firefox? It works fine in every other program that I have. And the scroll button on my mouse works in Firefox too.

When I'm using the mouse, this isn't a problem. Like I just said, the mouse's scroll capabilities are just fine. But in the cases where I can't use the mouse, I'd like to be able to scroll using that nifty touchpad. But it just won't work!!!! Why?

I suppose I could use IE. But I like Mozilla sooo much better for general web-surfing.

Can anyone help me?