There's One, Only!

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Weekend

Boy, sometimes I just don't understand these requests that Harvey makes. This week, he's curious about Evil Glenn's weekend activities. Specifically, Harvey asks: Besides boiling down corpses in turpentine, what else does Evil Glenn think makes for "an exciting weekend"?

What is this "weekend" thing that they're talking about? The closest I can figure is every 5 days or so, all the regular people I work with seem to disappear for a couple days, and some different ones show up. Is that this "weekend" of which everyone speaks?

Anyways, since I was stumped right from the get go on this assignment, I decided to go straight to the horse's mouth. So to speak. I'm not saying that Evil Glenn is a horse.... or am I?

So. I called Evil Glenn on his insta-phone. (He never answers if he thinks it's me, but I rewired an old toaster into my phone to give it a false caller-ID.)

Evil Glenn: Hello. Evil Glenn Industries. How may I torment you today?

GEBIV: Hi. I'm a reporter from the Free-range hobo hunting magazine, "Field and Screams." And I'd like to ask you a few questions for our readers.

Evil Glenn: Wait a second. You're not a reporter. You're that Jeep freak, GEBIV. Aren't you?

GEBIV: No I'm not!

Evil Glenn: Yes you are. Your name is right there in the transcript.

GEBIV: Darnit! I forgot to hook up my transcript falsifier.

Evil Glenn: Did you make your's from a can of crisco and a shop-vac motor?

GEBIV: No way. Those mark-4's are obsolete. I used a solar-powered calculator circuit board and two tobasco Slim Jims™. But I'm not calling to trade tech tips with you. I need you to answer a question for me. What are you doing to make your "weekend" exiting?

Evil Glenn: Well, it goes against everything I stand for, but I'm feeling a little magnanimous right now. Probably from the last batch of beagle shakes I had. Those little guys are so peppy!

GEBIV: Uh... that's more than I wanted to know, and unfortunately still not what I need. What are you doing for the "weekend?"

Evil Glenn: The same thing I do every weekend!

GEBIV: Try to take over the world?

Evil Glenn: No. Put on my favorite "Hello Kitty" things and dance around the house singing medleys of show-tunes. This weekend is "Hello Dolly" week!

GEBIV: ......

Evil Glenn: Anything else I can do for you?

GEBIV: Um... no, that's all right. I've just got to go scrub my brain with a brillo pad now.

There you have it. That's what Evil Glenn does for and exciting "weekend".

Now, could someone just explain to me what's so special about these "weekends"?

PGHA: Protest Incentives

Awww. The poor Protest Organizers are having a hard time getting people to show up. It's gotten so bad that some of them are resorting to extreme measures to get the required numbers to really show 'the man' that they're a force to be reckoned with.

So, starting with the next anti-(whatever Conservatives/Republicans/Bush/Christians stand for) rally, the following incentives to attend will be offered.

* Free Love

* Free Quiche

* Free French Lessons

* A coupon good for 45% off your next purchase at Old Navy

* A coupon good for 50% off your next purchase at the Pottery Barn

* A "Vote Once. Get Counted Twice." voucher.

* "My President is Martin Sheen/Geena Davis" bumper stickers

And last, but most importantly:

* Free prescriptions for "medicinal" marijuana.

Long day at work.

It was a rather long Tuesday today, washing cars all the day long.

But at least it wasn't a Tipless Tuesday™. So now I get to count all my ill gotten booty. (Or is that ill booten gotty?)

Filthy Lie: InstaGrandma

Evil Glenn has a grandmother?! And he enjoys spending time with her?

Ok, this is just too twisted for my weary mind. The only reasons I could think that Evil Glenn actually enjoys spending time with his grandma is that, being the Dark Lord of the Blogosphere, he's finally gotten past the "why don't you make something of your life" kind of nagging most guys get.

That and getting to play dress up with all the dolls his grandmother brings out of storage whenever he comes over...

PGHA: Iraq Parliament's first 100 days

They say that the first 100 days of a new government sets the tone for the rest of it's term. And since governments don't get much newer than the brand-spanking new Iraqi Parliment, what they do in their first 100 days is going to be pretty important.

In fact, it's so important that Harvey, over at The Alliance HQ, asks: What laws will the new Iraqi Parliament pass during their first 100 days?

Here are what laws my spies in the Iraqi government say that th Iraqi Parliament is getting ready to pass.

* Free Speach Law - No politician may charge anyone to make a speach at an official function.

* Right to Bare Arms - Short sleeves are allowed. Unless you have ugly tatoos.

* Right to Bear Arms - It is allowable for anyone to keep the forelegs of any bear they kill.

* Right to Arm Bears - It is allowable for anyone to give weapons to bears to prevent their arms from being cut off.

* Separation of Mosque and State - The State Building and the Mosque must be kept at least 500 yards away from each other at all times.

* Freedom of the Press - Irons must be available to anyone who wants a nicely pressed shirt. Dry-cleaning is optional.

* The Miranda Rights Law - When arrested, the accused is informed of his right to wear a large, fruit covered hat.

Well, it seems like they've got the right general idea. But they may have gotten a little confused somewhere during the translation...

Filthy Lie: Little Known Facts

Little Known Facts of Evil Glenn

Evil Glenn doesn't shave in the morning. One look at himself in the mirror is all it takes to scare his facial hair off.

Fully half of Japan's Hello Kitty merchandise is purchesed by Evil Glenn each year.

Evil Glenn opposes the rebuilding of New Orleans because it would cut down on the number of homeless too much.

Evil Glenn once defended a shark in a lawsuit. Pro Bono. As a matter of professional curtesy.

Evil Glenn performed an appendectomy on himself -with no anasthetic- simply to get rid of an organ that he felt wasn't "pulling it's weight."

Evil Glenn once drank an entire bottle of tobasco sauce, just to see if anything could make a lawyer cry.

Evil Glenn has no computer. He bloggs by a direct connection to his brain.

Evil Glenn can play "Inna Godda Davida" on the kazoo. There are usually no survivors.

Evil Glenn can find the "I" in "team".

Just like everyone else on St. Patrick's Day, Evil Glenn has a little Irish in him. In his case, it's from a batch of Irish Setter Shakes.

Evil Glenn can believe it's not butter.

PGHA: Terrorist Advice

It's Wednesday, and do you know what that means? That's right. A new Mythbusters is on Discovery tonight! (They're going to test weather or not cell phones mess with plane instruments and if you can fly with a helium filled rubber raft. Personally, I wouldn't think that you'd have to do a whole segment on the raft part... just do the math on weight displacement. Besides, the Kid with Balloons episode showed the shear volume needed to suspend just a small kid... but I believe I've digressed enough already.) However, even more important than a new Mythbusters episode is that it is time for...

Another Precision Guided Humor Assignment!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As we MuNuvians say. Yay!

So, this week Harvey asks, "Who could give President Bush good advice on fighting terrorists, and what would they tell him to do?" This of course is in response to all those idiotarians on the West Coast telling the President how to run the War on Terror. You know, because they once played a role in a movie that was being shot in a country that had terrorists... somewhere on the same continent.

I thought about it for a while and managed to narrow down to two candidates; who I thought, based on past performance, would be the best to give advice to the President in the matter of fighting terrorists.

Chuck Norris and Chomps, the world's angriest dog.

Then, once I decided who I'd want advice from, I got them together and in an interview asked each of them a series of questions about terrorism and terrorists.

GEBIV: Thank you both for allowing me to interview you. I've got just three questions that I'll be asking and then I won't take up any more of your time. First, Mr. Norris, what would you do about the terrorists planning to attack the United States?

Chuck: I'd seek them out and give each of them a roundhouse kick to the head.

GEBIV: Isn't that a bit lenient?

Chuck: You think that severing someone's head and propelling it over a mile is lenient? I think I like you.

GEBIV: Uh, that's good. Now Chomps, same question.

Chomps: GROWL BARK BARK SNARL BARK!!!!
(Translation: Kill them all! Kill them! Crush their bones!)

Chuck: I think I like this dog too.

GEBIV: Ok, what do think about the terrorists trying to derail the fledgling government in Iraq?

Chuck: Almost the same thing as I'd do to the terrorists trying to attack the U.S. Only I'd probably use my left leg this time... just so the pile of heads doesn't get too big on one end of the planet, causing a shift in the Earths orbit.

Chomps: BARK BARK GROWL SNAP BARK BARK
(Translation: But Chuck, the planet doesn't have an end. It's a sphere. Unless you are referring to the poles of course, in which case your pile of heads could cause a tectonic shift.)

Chuck: I stand corrected, Chomps. That's never happened before. You impress me.

Chomps: BARK!
(Translation: Thank you Chuck. That means a lot coming from you.)

GEBIV: Gentlemen, if I may get back on topic? Chomps, your answer to the terrorists in Iraq.

Chomps: BARK GROWL BARK SNAP SNARL GROWL-
(Translation: Bite off their privates and shove them up-

GEBIV: I think I can tell where you're going with that. No need to get too descriptive.

Chuck: You know, I think I really like this dog.

GEBIV: Ok then. Last question. What do you think of the President's interception of communications between terrorists and their inside the U.S. contacts. Should this fall under domestic wiretapping laws, or under military/foreign intelligence guidelines?

Chuck: Clearly, this has been blown out of proportion for political reasons. I belive the answer to this is a swift punch to the head.

GEBIV: For the terrorist's contacts?

Chuck: No. For the people who are saying that this is a domestic spying program.

Chomps: BARK BARK SNAP!
(Translation: I agree Chuck. Although I think that a good bite to the lower leg would work as well.)

Chuck: Hmmm... yes. That would be a good alternative.

GEBIV: Again, thank you both. You were very kind to allow me to interview you. And I'd especially like to thank Chomps for not rending me limb from limb. And you too Mr. Norris for not kicking me in the head.

Chomps: GROWL SNAP BARK BARK!
(Translation: As long as you keep the steaks coming. You probably won't be harmed.

Chuck: Yeah, what Chomps said.

"Victory is possible."

Harvey, posting over at IMAO, asked for some alternates for the Democrats new slogan of "Victory is possible." I was just going to leave these in the comments, but since I got a little carried away (too much coffee this morning I think) I decided to make a post out of it. And leave the link over in his comments.

So, here's some alternates for the Dems. And yes, a lot of them don't make any sense to me any more either...

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me."

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home..."

"Rush is right, er...wing. Yeah, that's it. He's a rightwing whacko."

"Vote Democrat and win a free Ipod*"
(* Offer not valid in the US)

"Democrat. It's what's for dinner."

"Don't write us off yet."

"Back off man. We're Democrats."

"Democrats. The un-cola."

"Democrats. When it absolutely positively has to be bungled overnight."

"Vote Democrat or die."

"Democrats are Mmmmm Mmmmm good."

"The French won't like it if you vote against us..."

"Democrats. Because Hollywood is so much smarter than the rest of you."

"C'mon. Capitalism isn't really working. Is it?"

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's PR

Hmmm... Evil Glenn has a PR firm working for him now? That would explain the headlines I saw in the paper the other day.

Tennessee blogger helps cut down on Homeless numbers.

and

U.T. Proffessor works to reduce un-adopted puppies at local A.S.P.C.A.

and

True source of all evil now believed to reside somewhere between Kentucky and Alabama.

OK, maybe that last story wasn't quite as helpful to Evil Glenn as the PR firm wanted. But hey, look at what they've got to work with...

PGHA: Terrorist Concessions

Harvey was wondering what other concessions the terrorist appeasers would be granting to the terrorists next. I sat down and gave it a lot of thought... at the end of a loooooooong day at work. So bear with me.

First, I thought to myself, What would the best concession be to have for myself? After a moments consideration, I decided that the best concession that I could think of would be selling hot dogs at Yankee Stadium. I mean, whoever does that must make a mint! All those rich, hungry baseball fans just chowing down for something like 80 home games a season. Well, I wouldn't mind running that, I can tell you.

But then I realized that although there are all-beef hot dogs, they are almost all made by Kosher delis. And no self respecting Islamo-Fascist would ever bring themselves to deal with a Kosher deli in any way not involving several pounds of dynamite.

Then it hit me. Who are the biggest terrorist appeasers? The Hollywood elite of course. And what is the biggest concession in Hollywood? Popcorn! It's perfect. Hollywood can grant the popcorn concession rights to all the movie theaters to the terrorists. After all, popcorn is just exploded corn. So it's an ideal match to the terrorists. Just think, you can go and watch Brokeback Mountain while enjoying a large bucket full of Mustafa's Exploded Kernels of Jihad.

And with cheap foreign labor making the popcorn, the prices would finally fall to where you can afford both the popcorn and the movie tickets without taking out a second mortgage...

Or maybe this is all just not having dinner on time talking.

The Three Pennies

A harried waitress was being bothered by one troublesome diner all through the lunch hour. Finally, as he was paying his bill, he presented her with her tip. Three cents.

The waitress had had enough. But she smiled sweetly and said to the customer. "Would you like me to read those pennies for you? Some people can read palms to tell fortunes. I can read pennies to tell me things about a person."

The guy, not knowing where this was going said, "Sure, lets see what these pennies can tell you about me."

The waitress pointed at the first penny. "This one," she said, "tells me that you are very frugal."

The man nodded. He was very carefull with his money.

Next, the waitress pointed at the second penny. "This one tells me you are a bachelor." she said.

Again the man nodded. He was a bachelor.

Finally the waitress pointed at the last penny and said, "And this one tells me that your father was a bachelor too."

Here's a couple of things to make you say "Whoa!"

First is a cool robotic... dog. Sort of. That I found over at Ace of Spades. (This movie takes a bit to download. Not recommended for dial up.)

Then, if watching the robot doesn't make your brain hurt. This next video over at Curmudgeonly and Skeptical will. Quantum Physics. Gotta love it.

But I warn you. If your brain hurts afterwards. I'm not fixing it.

Caption Contest.

Here's a good picture I got out of the Buffalo News this morning.

Actual Caption: Co-leader Camilo Villegas gets down really low to line up a putt on the 11th green.

But I think we can do better than that!

Here, I'll start.

Hmmm. If I sneek up on the ball and scare it into the hole, that doesn't count as a stroke. Right?

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Stuff

So, Harvey wants to know what kind of unusual things one would find if they searched Evil Glenn's house? (This is apparently a response to Evil Glenn's blasé attitude about someone allegedly finding ricin in Texas.)

Well, I didn't feel like searching all the way through Evil Glenn's house myself... there are some places I won't go if I don't have to. So I rented one of those huge boom cranes and hooked a corner of Evil Glenn's house with it. Then, tilting the house up on one side, I shook it to see what would fall out.

Here's what I found on the lawn when I was done:

* 429 empty Zima bottles.

* One Zima bottle with a human finger in it.

* 47,939,862 dog collars.

* What appeared to be a full china set (including the gravy boat) with every piece broken. (I may have shaken the house a little too hard...)

* 5,376 empty perscription bottles for Via-gra. (Don't want the spam bots to get me...)

* The front half of a bycicle

* The floor mats from a 1959 Studebaker

* 4 zippo lighters

* 9 kilos of premium grade pot

* Oh, I meant a 9 piece set of premium cooking pots. (Sorry.)

* 14 baseball bats with blood on them.

* 2 broken flashlights.

* 18 Television Remotes, without batteries.

* One slightly battered wide screen... er, a small black and white TV.

* And waaaaaaaaaay too many Hello Kitty things.

Now I need to go see if any of those remotes go to this new Big Screen TV I just got...

PGHA: Unused Resources

In any conflict, it is sometimes a little used - or at least until then underutilized - resource that can tip the scales. And the war on terror is no exception. In order to fight this worldwide scourge, we have to use any and all resources at hand.

One of these little known wells of ability that the United States possesses is perfect to help fight the war on terror. Namely Ham Radio Operators.

These amateur radio broadcasters can help us in ways that no professional can. Often called "Ham"s, this nickname is a reference to the history of many of these amateurs building their own radio equipment from the versatile parts of the pig. Whether it's using a pig's ear to make a speaker, or a set of ribs as an antenna array they find ways to use virtually every part of the pig. (Except for the naughty bits. Using them will get you banned by the FCC.)

Why, your typical "Ham" if dropped in the middle of a pig farm could be on the air in just a few hours. Even less if there is a Radio Shack nearby.

This partly explains the reasoning behind the Sharia prohibition against all pork products. If people have access to pigs, there is no way to stifle the free exchange of ideas across the electromagnetic spectrum. And once the people living under a terrorist supporting government hear what the "Ham"s have to say, they'll know the truth. And knowing is half the battle!

Best of all, the "Ham"s can be inserted into Islamo-fascist controlled countries with impunity. With their pork product radios, they will be unassailable by the terrorists. No Islamo-fascist will attack a radio operator if there's a chance if the bacon broadcast tower could touch them. It's like wearing an SEP field. Everyone ignores it and hopes that someone else will take care of it... so no one does.

So, if you'd like to help in the fight against terror, give your local "Ham" Radio Operator all your support. If you've got a Bar-B-Que and you've got some of that pig left over, donate it. Remember, there's no part of the pig that can't be used in fighting the war against Islamo-fascists!