There's One, Only!

Just out of curiosity...

What would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?

Filthy Lie: Mythbusters

I was flipping through the channels one sleepless night, and ran across a special edition of Mythbusters. As best as I can remember it, this is how it ran.

Adam: Hi. I'm Adam Savage!

Jamie: And I'm Jamie Hyneman.

Adam and Jamie, together: And we're the Mythbusters!

Adam: So Hyneman, what myths are we going to be busting today?

Jamie: It looks like we'll be busting some Internet myths. First is the myth that posting pictures of penguins will give you a massive amount of traffic.

Adam: I've heard of that one. Isn't that what they call an "Insta-lanche?"

Jamie: Yes. I believe that's what they call it.

(The camera pans back and shows that they are standing next to a large internet server. Adam sits down at a desk with a laptop.)

Adam: OK. So we've got this website full of penguins frolicing and playing, all ready to go. What we're going to do, is publish the website with this server here. And then we'll check back in a day or two and see how much traffic we've managed to get.

Jamie: As a control, earlier this week I set up a website with pictures of ducks and tracked the traffic. (He shows a chart with a shallow slope indicating the site's traffic.) Now if the myth is right, the chart for the penguin site should have a much steeper slope.

Adam: I'm thinking that it'll take something with at least 30 or 40 percent greater traffic for us to even see a difference.

Jamie: Indeed. And remember, this chart is for over a week's worth of hits. So we probably won't have measurable results for at least that long.

Adam: Here goes! (He clicks [Publish] on the website) Our penguin site is now online. In a week or so, we should be able to see-

*DING*

Adam: Wow! We've already got a hit. That was quick. How long did it take your Duck website to get it's first hit?

Jamie: I think it was just under 24 hours. But right after that it-

*DING* *DING* *DING*

Jamie: I think that-

*DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* *DING* ...

Adam: (Shouting over the dinging) It looks like this myth may be plausable!

(Suddenly, sparks start shooting out of the server tower. Adam grabs the laptop and runs for cover as Jamie snatches up a fire-extigusher and sprays it on the server tower.)

Jamie: That was unexpected. (His mustache twitches in amazement.)

Adam: Look at this! (He points at the laptop's monitor) The site spiked at over a million hits! In less than a minute!

Jamie: And every one of them from some guy in Tennessee.

Adam: I think that confirms it. Posting pictures of penguins on the internet will get you an Insta-lanche of site hits. Just make sure that your server is up to handling the traffic.

(Then the scene cuts to a music montage of Kari and Tori in the kitchen setting up a row of blenders.)

Voice Over Announcer: When we come back from the break. Kary and Tory will be testing the myth of weather or not Puppy smoothies provide more energy than traditional protien shakes.

At that point I changed the channel. And then just to be extra sure, turned off the TV, dropped it out the window and flushed the remote down the toilet. That was one Mythbusters episode I didn't want to see any more of.

12 Things Meme.

Sometime recently, I was tagged by ArmyWifeToddlerMom with this silly Meme...

1: Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?

-I like more Black and White movies than color ones. Mostly because they seem to have been better written. But that may just be a result of having only the really good ones left around to watch. I just watched Hope and Crosby in "Road to Bali" for like the dozenth time. It may be in color, but it was written like a black and white movie.

2: What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?

-I'd have to say celebrities. The whole paparazzi thing kind of disgusts me too...

3: MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music?

-Definitely CDs. Although I'm not above using I-tunes.

4: You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ... Ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?

-The way I've been feeling lately, no problem. Besides, none of my internet friends know what I look like, so I could just re-make friends under a pseudonym. (Loophole!)

5: Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?

-Terrorists

6: How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?

-Not letting sponsoring countries to get away with under the table dealings with terrorists. Oh, and since most of the world's terrorists are Islamo-Fascists: bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.

7: You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be?

-"Regrets. I've had a few. But then again, too many to mention."

I wouldn't change anything. Any change would make the person who I am right now cease to exist. That is, the collection of the sum total of my life experiences. And since I'm opposed to suicide, philosophical or otherwise, I wouldn't change anything. Not that I don't have lots of regrets.

8: You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be?

-Pretty much same answer as above. I know lots of bad stuff has happened in the world. But too much good stuff came out of an awful lot of bad things. And since I'm not God, I don't want to be responsible for the changes.

9: A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry --Which do you choose?

-I love "Night at the Opera"!!! It's one of my favorite Marx Bro. movies. On the other hand, I'm a big country music fan. So that ones a toss up.

10: What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?

-I'd really like to know what happened to... nope. Can't think of anything right now.

11: One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal?

-For serious dinner discussion, C. S. Lewis. If I was having tacos or something and wanted a good laugh, Terry Pratchett.

12: You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky -- what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?

-Gee, celebrating pointlessness? I don't know... head down to Mardi Gras maybe.

Sorry, not going to tag anyone. But if anyone wants to try this themselves...

Thank You.

For all those who've been so warm-hearted, I'd like to repeat something I left in Harvey's comments.

Thanks for the kind words. Mostly, I think I've been depressed watching Slinky go. It didn't feel like I was doing him any good - and I blamed myself for him getting old and dying.

And then of course, I extrapolated that into not being able to see any good in anything I've done. Stupid, I know. But I'm real good at beating myself up that way.

I know I'm going to be sad for a while. Unfortunately, I can't see the "but" that should join that sentance with something a little more hopefull.

Thanks again for all the kind thoughts and words.

Maybe I'll be able to be funny again tomorrow. I know I've got a PGHA and a meme floating around in my draft bin somewhere...

Rest In Peace, Slinky (1999-2006)

Slinky the Wonder Ferret passed away last night. He was a good ferret. And I believe he lived a happy life.

He had been doing very poorly these past few days, and although he had shown some signs of improvement, I knew he was getting old. I knew this day would come when I brought him home, but it still hurts. And I know he was just an animal, but hopefully he's happy and in a better place.

I just wish I could have been a better owner, and spent more time with him. I'm going to miss the little guy. A lot.

The worst part of grief is not having someone to hold and share it with. I guess that's why God seems to have made us halves of a whole. So we'd have someone there, physically, to lean on when things hurt.

But I'm going to just curl up into a ball for a while and lick my wounds.

I'm a little depressed.

But don't worry, not suicidal in any way.

It's just... while I think that my not existing wouldn't make the world a better place, sometimes I have a hard time figureing out how my life has made any difference to anything. I'm not wishing I was never born. But sometimes it's hard to see where I've really done any good by being around.

I'm reminded of a quote, and I'm paraphrasing: "I'll make about as much of a hole in life as your finger does when you pull it out of a bucket of water."

Not fun thoughts to try to go to sleep with. That's for sure. But have a good night anyways.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Outtakes

Hmmm... It seems that Evil Glenn did an interview on CNN and forgot to notify the real press. So of course I missed it. Which is just as well I suppose. Rumor is that the whole thing was pretty dull and boring.

Apparently CNN edited out some of the more ...interesting bits.

But I was able - at great risk of life, limb and sanity - to obtain some transcripts of the deleted parts of the interview.

Evil Glenn: ... and this, coupled with the theory I spoke of earlier - in conjunction with the tonsisity of the frangulated confabulation - is why I feel that you owe me a pastrami sandwich. And if you don't get it right now, I'm going to hold my breath until you do!

Evil Glenn: (when asked about the recent Palestinian elections) That's a good question. And I'd like to respond this way. (Turns and moons interviewer, showing his Hello Kitty underwear.)

Evil Glenn: But blending the puppies gives it a nice sticky feeling. (laughing) No, seriously. The best way to get the fur out of your teeth is to use the hair of a freshly murdered hobo as dental floss.

Evil Glenn : (standing in front of a map of Europe) And we can see here, by the patterns of the frequencies of the so called "spontaneous" demonstrations, that... what? My barn door's open? I don't understand? "Close the screen door"? What doors are you talking about? And who's this "Mr. Johnson" you keep saying to page? Listen! Will you please stop this childishness! I don't know what you're talking about and I won't stand here and... Oh. (turns and zips up fly) Um... can we start over?

To tell the truth, I'm really glad that I didn't have to see that last one. Just reading the transcript was bad enough. Excuse me, I have to go scrub my brain out now... with lye.

PGHA: Nobel Stache Prize

Here's some of reasons why I think John Bolton should receive the Nobel Peace Prize.

Incredibly Inane Information about John Bolton.

* When John Bolton combs out his mustache, he finds enough crumbs to feed several third-world nations.

* John Bolton recently discovered the vaccine against being crippled. Well, he stopped randomly punching people, which amounts to the same thing.

* When he's angry, John Bolton's mustache bristles with enough static electricity to power several large cities or a small country. He currently supplies the energy needs for Liechtenstein and Bavaria.

* John Bolton's steely gaze can cause a man's head to explode. By oversleeping each morning, he spares all the occupants of the 6:47 B-line subway. It's a shame about the riders of the 9:29 though...

* John Bolton discovered the only thing in nature harder than diamond - his fist.

* John Bolton brought a dead kitten to life by rubbing it with his mustache. Too bad the static discharge incinerated it moments later.

* John Bolton can't walk on water. That's because water is afraid of him and moves away from his feet. John Bolton became the first person to walk across the bed of the East River that way.

* John Bolton can cure hiccups. If your head doesn't explode first.

* When informed that he was selected as a nominee for the Nobel Prize, John Bolton said of the selection committee, "I like them. I'll kill them last."

* John Bolton lied about that.

* John Bolton has had two number one pop singles... oh wait, that was Michael Bolton.

(This has been a Precision Guided Humor Assignment.)

Thought for the day...

Why do Valentines Day and venereal disease have the same initials? Is it really just a coincidence?

Happy Valentines Day!

Well... at least to everyone who has a Valentine to share it with. I guess for the rest of us, the 'Holiday' can be actually a little depressing.

But for me, no more than any other day.

Fithy Lie: Evil Glenn's Fatwa

What would you have to do to make Evil Glenn issue a fatwa against you?

Gee, I don't know. If none of the stuff we've done so far has angered Evil Glenn enough to make him issue a fatwa against us, I don't know what will.

The only thing that I could think of that would be irritating enough to someone - to the point of making them want to kill me- would be to give them this little earworm. Or maybe this one.

Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Fear the Stache! ...oh, wait.

It's too bad that the Nobel Peace Prize has been debased so much in the last few years; becoming not much more than an award for who bashes the U.S. the best.

'Cause The Stache just got nominated.

Maybe this means that the award will finally go to someone who helps promote not just peace, but a peace that doesn't involve laying down and getting run over by totalitarian dictators.

Either that, or it's all a clever plot to get President Bush to pull Bolton as Ambassador. After all, if Carter was awarded the Nobel Prize, and Bolton gets the Nobel Prize, then Bolton must be as bad at foreign policy as Carter! Therefore, Bolton should be removed as ambassador...

On the other hand, it could just be an indication that Bolton hasn't been hitting enough U.N. staffers. Maybe we should check up on that.

(Oops, I almost forgot. Hat tip to Frank J. at IMAO on this.)

PGHA: Cool T-Shirt

Last week, Harvey speculated that the reason Ms Sheehan (you know, the one who thinks that the whole war was just an excuse for Bush to murder her son) and Congressional wife Beverly Young were kicked out of the State of the Union Address wasn't just because they weren't dressed formally enough. But it was because they weren't wearing cool enough t-shirts.

Then he wondered what t-shirt would be cool enough to wear that wouldn't get you kicked out.

Boy. This is so absurdly easy I can't believe he had to ask.

Nuke the Moon! Of course.

Now I can go back to playing World of Warcraft.

Happy Birthday Grandma D!

Today is my Mom's Mom's birthday. She's 82 years young.

Unfortunately, none of the lotto tickets I gave her were winners... But she still liked the card. (And just to let everyone know, if she had won I wouldn't have asked for any of the prize. Personally, I think it's really tacky for gift givers to expect the recipient to share a lotto prize. But that's just my oppinion I guess...)

We had a nice spaghetti dinner at her house. (My Mom cooked it, so of course it was great.) And we went through some of my late Grandfather's photo albums from WWII. He passed away when my Mom was young, so I never got to meet him. I really regret that. He was a short man, and was therefore a tail-gunner in either a B-25 or A-25. (My Dad couldn't quite figure out which from the pictures.) He served first in Lybia, and then in Sicily. One of the bombers had over 50 mission stencils on the nose. Plus 3 fighter kills.

I really wish I had met him.

I have to talk to my Uncle about scanning all the pictures and captions from the albums some day.

But anyways, Happy Birthday Grandma! (Even though I know she'll never read this, it's the thought that counts.)

Commercials

If anyone was wondering where to find all the new commercials from Super Bowl XL, I was able to watch them here. Enjoy!

You can even vote on which you liked the best.

Filthy Lie: Evil Genn and Google

Wow. It looks like Google will team up with anyone. First, they gave up their morality and join up with the ChiComms. Now word is that they are teaming up with Evil Glenn!

From what I was able to find out with the absolute minimum of effort, the first Evil Glenn and Google joint venture is tenatively called Doggle.com. It'll be a search engine that should help you choose the right breed and correct power settings on your blender for any desired puppy shake.

There are also rumors of an Evil Glenn inspired Insta-Google.com. When request information, the site doesn't actually go out and search the internet. Instead, it'll give you a bunch of links to searches done on other search-engines. The links will be ranked on a three tier scale. With Hmm... being somewhat close to your search criteria, Heh being very close to your search criteria, and Indeed being exactly what you are looking for.

Deciphering the "code"

I was listening to the radio, and the station that was on had an ad for an opening in their marketing department. One of the parts of the ad mentioned "cutting edge training."

What I was wondering, does that refer to using high tech teaching methods? Or does it mean that you'll be taught proffesional knife-work?

Oh man is this funny!

Brokeback to the Future!

(Hat tip to Sondrak at Knowledge is Possible.)

PGHA: Hamas' First 100 Days

So, now that Hamas is an election winning governmental power over the Palestinians, a little birdie told me what they hope to accomplish in their first 100 days in power.

Terrorists Without Borders - Hamas doesn't want to kill all the Jews in Isreal. Now that they have authority, they plan on expanding to wanting to kill all the Jews in the world. (All the Jews in the United States were already tentatively penciled into their plans.)

Organized Soccer - Hamas plans on reaching out to the young people of the area by creating youth soccer leagues. There, the young men and women (wearing burkas) will learn good sportsmanship and athletic skills. And in the Inter-faith matches with young Israelis, they can blow themselves up as soon as they get close enough to the goalie! In fact, it should be fun for all ages.

Bombs For Food - Anticipating the withdrawal of American monetary support for the Palestinian government, Hamas has instituted a program to help determine who gets the remaining aid (primarily given by other Islamic nations... and France). Basically, unless you have a family member -no less than twice removed- blow themselves up while killing Israelis, your family doesn't receive any aid.

And finally, to soften their image of being a bunch of fanatical dark-green headband wearing Jew haters, they will be changing over to pastel green headbands. With light blue for away games.