There's One, Only!

Did you ever have...

...one of those days where you almost sever your thumb while splitting wood for your pyro fireplace loving grandparents?

Eh.. it's probably worth it anyways.

Waiting....

OK. I've got the Clan Bad Example tartan up in the sidebar, and a Harvey quote somewhere over there too. So when do I get put in the Clan Bad Example blogroll?

I'm waiting...

I want to join the Bad Example Clan because:

... well, I do look really good in a kilt (hairy legs notwithstanding). And since I'm pretty sure that Celtic is one of the few ancestries that I can't claim, this may be the closest chance I get to having tartan colors of my own.

Plus there's the fact that I already own a two-handed claymore. So I can uphold the honor reputation good name ... well, I can bash anyone who says (untrue) bad things about us!

Ye can take our lives! But you'll never take our Blogs!

And yeah, I'll vouch for Susie. It's not like anyone could lower the overall morals of this clan.

IS TANTUM SANUS IMMUNDA

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Spaceship

Harvey spied an otherwise inconspicuous post by Evil Glenn noting the launch of the New Horizons spacecraft. Which of course led Harvey to believe that Evil Glenn was planning on hijacking the NASA project. But Harv's still a little confused as to WHY Evil Glenn would want to hijack the New Horizons Spacecraft.

Allow me to explain with some-

Incredibly Inane Information about the New Horizons Spacecraft:

* The New Horizons mission is to the planet Pluto. Pluto is the name of Mickey Mouse's dog.

* The planet Pluto was named the year before the dog Pluto.

* The spacecraft is also powered by a plutonium reactor.

* The spacecraft will take 9 years to get to Pluto. Evil Glenn hasn't showered in 9 years.

* The spacecraft will get a gravity boost from the planet Jupiter. Evil Glenn once 'boosted' a Saturn sedan.

* The launch of New Horizons was broadcast live on the internet. Everything Evil Glenn does is put on the internet.

* The spacecraft New Horizons is an unmanned vehicle. Evil Glenn was 'unmanned' in a painful blender accident.

* New Horizons will be exporing the coldest reaches of our solar system. Evil Glenn has the coldest heart known to mankind.

* The rocket was the fastest ever launched from the Earth. Evil Glenn is the fastest poster in the blogosphere.

Are all of these coincidences? I think not!

PGHA: Code of Conduct

Harvey, who is apparently too impatient to just wait for the news to come out, recently asked this question at The Alliance HQ:

What items will be included in the Democrats' newly proposed "Congressional Code of Conduct"?

Well, from what I was able to beat out of a Congressional Aide, the new Congressional Code of Conduct (as proposed by the Democrats) will include (but not be limited to) the following:

* No member of Congress may accept a gift of greater than $50, unless it's from, you know, a really close friend.

* No member of Congress may speak ill of any other member. Unless there's a (D) after the speakers name.

* No member of Congress may be a member of a radical group or organization. Such as: the Nazi Party, the Boy Scouts, the NRA, the Book of the Month Club, etc.

* No member of Congress may blog, talk to bloggers, or knowingly be nice to a blogger. (Unless the blogger is from a "respectable" site like DU or Daily Kos.)

* No member of Congress may drink themselves into a state of insensibility. (Members of Congress already in this condition will be grandfathered in... also known as the Kennedy Clause.)

* Any member of Congress committing even the smallest infraction against any rule or law, including traffic and sporting, will be held up before the public as an example of their malfesience. (As long as the media is paying any attention.)

That was all I was able to get out of the Aide before he lost consciousness. But I'm sure that he didn't leave out too much that was important...

Public Service Announcement

Here's a little bit of information that apparently, a lot of people don't know:

If you have a car with an automatic transmission, when it is in DRIVE, you can put it into NUETRAL without stepping on the brake or even pressing the button on the gear selector. The transmission will not go past NUETRAL into REVERSE! It even works the other way too! When the car is in NUETRAL, you can just slide the selector into DRIVE. It won't go to REVERSE or past DRIVE.

This can be very important to know, say when you are riding in the car through a car wash and the attendant signals for you to pull up. (So he can dry the car, shine the tires... whatever) You don't have to step on the brake to put the car into drive! Really! And that'll keep you from hopping the track roller.

If you have to look at the gear selector display to see what gear you're in, you might need to practice driving a little bit more.

And if you have to look to FIND the gear selector, you probably shouldn't be out on the roads at all!

...One more thing. To some of the other drivers out there (you know who you are), when the attendent signals you to stop, the brake is the SECOND pedal from the right!

Happy Birthday!

Today is Harvey's beloved wife, TNT's birthday! And since he said she likes pics of large cats (lions and stuff), here's what I was able to find...

A three month old white lion cub.... 'cause everyone knows that women like cute kittens!

A panther, 'cause someone told me that women like the dark, strong look.

And some more lions, 'cause someone else told me that women are suckers for the helpless, defenseless type.

Super Bowl Bets?

Well, Super Bowl Extra Large (Oh, the XL is Roman numerals for 40! Gee, you'd think that a guy with Roman numbers in his name would know that...) is just a little less than two weeks away. And I could almost care less. After all, my beloved Buffalo Bills were knocked out somewhere around the fifth week of the regular season.

But longstanding family tradition is, if the Bills aren't in the Super Bowl, then we have to root for the team representing the AFC. Since this year, it's not the Patriots, I can do that. In fact there are a lot of Steeler fans (mostly real old-timers who got hooked 40 or 50 years ago before the Bills formed) in my area. After all, our greatest QB (Jim Kelly) came from the Pittsburgh area, so we owe them some graditude at least.

So, since I'm backing the AFC for the Super Bowl, are there any NFC supporters out there?

And is anyone willing to wager on it? I'm willing to put some of Buffalo's finest cullinary creations: (All right, maybe not the finest. After all, chicken wings, the world's greatest pizza, and Ted's hot dogs don't travel that well through the mail.) A bag of Gourmet Sponge Candy, a bottle of Buffalo Tom's Hot Sauce, and a bottle of Weber's Mustard - against whatever you're town has to offer.

Now I can't be doing this for a lot of people, (I'm rooting for the Steelers, I don't necessariyl think they can walk all over Seatle) so it's first come first served.

So if any of you want to back those nancy-boys from Seatle, let me know if any of you want to put your food where your mouth is!

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's DNA

As reported recently, Evil Glenn managed to beat a hobo murder charge in spite of what appeared to be overwhelming DNA evidence they had against him. In the interest of nosey people everywhere, and at The Alliance's request, I managed to get a portion of Evil Glenn's DNA sample from the trial.

What it said about Evil Glenn was astounding!

Apparently, at least according to the DNA sample from the trial, Evil Glenn is a short, Hispanic woman!

Well that explained a lot about the verdict....

But I wasn't satisfied with just that. So I pulled a play from one of the Government's top-secret spy programs being used on us. I mailed Evil Glenn a fake Publisher's Clearing House entry. And when he sent it back to me, I was able to get a genuine blood sample from the paper-cut everyone always gets when they try to stuff the return envelope. (That's all the Publisher's Clearing House really is; just a way for the Government to get samples of everyone's DNA!)

I dropped off the new sample of DNA at my local CSI lab and in about an hour, had a full analysis of Evil Glenn's DNA. And boy, did the analysis tell me a lot.

According to the comprehensive DNA analysis done by the CSI lab:

* Evil Glenn is one quarter Cherokee, one quarter Choctaw, one quarter Irish and one quarter German.

* He's also half French, but that part surrendered to the others a long time ago.

* He's not a real red-head.

* He's distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, Ghengis Khan, and Jack the Ripper.... or he was all three. The jury's still out on that one.

* He's allergic to cat hair.

* He's not allergic to peanuts. (There goes one of the Alliance's plans for getting rid of him.)

* He likes to bowl. And has a lifetime average of 204.

* His shoes are too tight. Oh wait, never mind, it's his heart that's three sizes too small.

* He wore braces until he was 15.

* He likes the color yellow.

* He excels at English, but did poorly on the math portion of the SATs.

* He wasn't potty trained untill he was 12.

* He has a large collection of stuffed animals.

* And that's not counting the penguins.

* He once ate a whole turkey by himself on Thanksgiving.

And last, but not least...

* Evil Glenn thinks that Star Trek: The Original Series, was mych better than Star Trek: The Next Generation.

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

New Horizons is go!!! Launch was at 2:00 P.M. EST and boy was it moving! There goes the fastest rocket ever launched.

Next stop, Pluto... well ok, Jupiter for a gravity assist slingshot, then Pluto.

So, now we just have to wait 9 years to finally get some good pictures of Pluto. (And I imagine, some nice ones of Jupiter on the way by...)

For more information, check out NASA's site.

PGHA: Splash's Book

Believe it or not, Teddy Kennedy's dog Splash (yes, that's really his name) has written a book. My Senator and Me: A Dog's Eye View of Washington, D. C. In keeping with the combined writing abilities of a U.S. Senator and a hunting dog, it's a children's book, of course.

I managed to get a pre-publication copy of the book, and have some of my favorite excerpts from the book.

I don't know why Daddy (Splash calls Kennedy "Daddy"... cause you know how much Democrats hate the word "master.") always makes that nice Abramoff guy use the back door. He always brings both of us presents... - pg. 6.

Daddy came home early that night. And he had a woman's hand print on the side of face. I wonder why? - pg. 9.

I wonder if Daddy will ever bring me back any leftovers from those waitress sandwiches he keeps going out for... - pg. 12.

There you have it, some of the best excerpts from the new book My Senator and Me: A Dog's Eye View of Washington, D.C.!

New Horizons

The Pluto bound spacecraft is set to launch today at 1:24 P.M. EST form Cape Canaveral.

If you want to watch the begining of this mission, which will be the fastest man-made object ever, check out NASA TV. Live coverage starts at 11:00 A.M.

UPDATE: They've had to postpone the launch for high winds twice. The first time for 15 min or so, the second for a little bit longer. Hopefully, the winds will die down enough for the launch to go at 2:30 EST.

UPDATE 2: They delayed it again, this time to 3:05 P.M. The only problem now is the wind. Hopefully that will clear up soon enough.

UPDATE 3: Drat! Scrubbed for the day. They'll have to try again tomorrow at 1:24.

Driving

My dad saw a PAL (Police Athletic League supporter) Florida license plate on a car this morning and mentioned that it was the perfect 'get out of jail free' card.

And that was before he read today's Dilbert cartoon.

Well, it's back!

Stardust returned to Earth this morning, successfully. Now all the scientists get to fight over who gets to look at the tiny little dust particles first...

There's also rumors of a civilian (non-scientist) connection to the analysis of the aero-gel that was used to capture the commetary dust.

Hey, at least the whole thing didn't make a big hole in the ground like the Genesis mission!

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Magazine

It's become obvious, at least to The Alliance, that Evil Glenn is not content with just taking over the Blogosphere. There have been many signs of this, but the most recent one was the rumor that Evil Glenn is now publishing a magazine.

But the rumor wasn't any more specific than that, so I had to do a little more digging...

As a precaution against contamination, I didn't use my own new computer, but called my blogless brother in to hack into Evil Glenn's files. Using his new laptop, of course. Besides, he's a lot better at that sort of thing than I am...

Anyhow, after a few minutes of furious tapping of keys, he sat back and said that he was giving up. He hadn't been able to find anything that he could see as evil. When I asked him if he found anything else, all he said that he could find was a lot of stuff about Dog Fancy.

It looked innocent enough on the surface. However, when I had him check the files a little more closely, I saw the true evil showing through. The next issue had nothing about how to take care of your dogs; but instead had a six page expose about marinades, and side dishes. Not to mention the centerfold of the new line of sexy blenders...

I told my brother to log off, but it was too late. His brand new laptop started shaking and smoke began to pour out of the sides.

Fortunately, I was able to duck behind something before it exploded.

My brother should be getting the bandages removed in a couple of days...

Why?

Why is it that when I have a long day (and an exhausting one) and am looking at another long one tomorrow, that I can't get to sleep?

And to top it off, I'm having trouble posting too....

Why?

Why is it that when I have a long day at work, (an energy sapping one) and I know that I'm going to have another one tomorrow... I can't seem to get to sleep?

Groan.

PGHA: Hollywood Propaganda

Over at The Alliance HQ, Harvey seems to think that the Hollywood elite are somehow Anti-America. And he even cites some recent movie releases to say that they are also Pro-Terrorist. I guess that's his opinion.

But I don't see how these upcoming new releases show any Ant-American/Pro-Terrorist sentiments...

Unlawfully Imprisoned - The story of a lonely man's rise to power, the ruthless pursuit that drove him into hiding, and the illegal imprisonment that followed.

Dialysis Run - The courageous tale of a band of misfits who battle the forces of evil in an effort to get a dialysis machine to an ailing holy man.

No Votes for Bonzo - An animated movie about a silly Monkey who runs for President of the United States and wins due to a dastardly plot run by his evil Elephant friends. But who is then defeated by a recount done by the honest and valiant Donkeys. In the unrated DVD release, Bonzo starts an illegal war with the Camels across the sea.

America is Evil and the Terrorists Freedom Fighters are Right - This is just a working title for a documentary by Michael Moore about the underlying causes for the so-called "War on Terror."

See, I don't see any political agendas there at all!

24:007

Oooh. A Bond film fest on AMC. 24 hours of Bond, James Bond.

I guess I know what I'm doing for the rest of the night.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn, the Arch-Villain

I slipped through the open door. So far, my entry into the fortress had been completely undiscovered. And the mission was going to be a cake-walk. Or so I thought.

Suddenly, a battery of spot-lights sparked to life. I was discovered! I turned to dive back into the door I had just emerged from and was met by a large goon. Another sprang up from a concealed trap door as two more dropped down from cables, completely surrounding me.

I quickly switched mental gears from 'flight' to 'fight' and attacked the closest goon. I managed to knock him out and had the next in a headlock, using him as a shield from the others, when a voice rang out from the gloom surrounding the spot lit section.

"Enough!"

I knew that voice! And its owner wasn't supposed to be anywhere near there.

"Gentlemen, you may leave us. And take your unconscious friend with you." the voice said to the goons I was fighting. I didn't release the headlock on the one I was using as shield, however. So the goons dragged only the one on the ground with them.

"Ah, Agent GEBIV. As resourceful as ever I see." Evil Glenn said, as he stepped into the light, flanked by a couple of his Insta-Henchmen. (The real tough ones, not like the rent-a-goons I had been fighting so far. And each carrying sub-machine gun.) "Here you are trapped out in plain sight and you still manage to find some semblance of cover. Heh."

"What's so funny about that?" I asked. "And what are you doing here? The message said that you were down in Antarctica for the weekend..." I shuddered at the unbidden mental image that popped into my mind's eye.

"Silly boy," he said. "The message wasn't from your precious Alliance, I sent it. It was all a trap."

"A trap? Why do you want to trap me?" I asked, more than a little nervously.

"Why to kill you of course." He replied. "Which brings us back to your first question."

"Huh?" Even with the sudden rush of adrenalin, I wasn't completely able to follow him.

"Your question of what was so funny. The answer is; what makes you think I value that goon you're hiding behind enough to prevent me from shooting you?"

"Um..... because he's... not a hobo?" I was fishing, and I knew it. And what was worse, he knew it too.

"Sorry," he replied, "not good enough." Then, to the Insta-Henchmen, and with a German accent, "Shoot them. Shoot them both."

With a quick kung-fu move, I flipped the goon I was holding into one of the Insta-Henchmen, knocking him out. Then, a nifty little move with my tactical yo-yo snagged the gun out of the other Insta-Henchman's hand. For good measure, I snapped the yo-yo back at him twice more, once to the stomach - doubling him over, and then a pop to his head rendering him insensate.

Now, I had the gun and was calling the shots. "So, Evil Glenn," I gloated. "How do you like this little turn of events?"

He looked a little startled, for just a second. "Well," he said, "I think that..." and then he reached into his pocket and started to pull out his own gun. What looked like a gold-plated luger... But I only had time to glance at it before I squeezed the trigger on the gun in my own hands, putting a round directly into Evil Glenn's heart.

He grunted once, and dropped the pistol he was holding. But then, to my surprise, straightened back up and smiled. "Wha.... I.... but.... you.... in the heart." I gibbered.

"Foolish boy." He grinned at me. "Perhaps you've heard of the famous Dr. No? The most notorious villain to suffer from dextrocardia."

"I know what that is!" I exclaimed. "That's when your heart is on the right side of your body instead of the left."

"Very good. You're not as stupid as you look."

"That's what I keep telling people." I said as I shot him again, this time in the right side of his chest. But again, to my surprise, he didn't die.

"Stop doing that!" Evil Glenn scolded. "You're ruining my shirt! What I was trying to tell you was that I suffer from something similar to dextrocardia. I have anacardia."

"Doesn't that mean you don't have a heart?" I asked.

"Pshaw." (Yes, he really said pshaw!) "I have the heart of a young man ...I keep it in a jar around here somewhere..."

Around this point, I was getting a little tired of the whole conversation, so I interrupted his little biology lesson. "Sorry," I said, "but I have to be going." And with that, I emptied the magazine of the machine gun into Evil Glenn's groin.

"AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed. "I'll get you for that, Harvey!"

"That's GEBIV!" I corrected as I ran off into the night.

It's just not my day...

Had Chinese take-out for dinner, and here's my fortune:

Pick another fortune cookie.

I'm not going to bother with the lucky numbers...

PGHA: Saddam's Children's Book

The latest big rumor out of Saddam's trial is that Saddam is going to be writing a children's book. I guess he heard how much support writing one did for 'Tookie' Williams...

It's still in pre-production. So I wasn't able to get more than a synopsis of the book. But this is what they've got so far...

The book is tentatively titled The Evil Kurds and the Magic Mustache.

It's the heartwarming story of the good-hearted, Kind Leader of a desert nation who is constantly attacked and ridiculed by a band of Evil Kurds. He tries everything he can think of to stop them; from asking them nicely to go away, to asking the United Nations to make them go away. But the Evil Kurds have the backing of a monstrous dictatorship over the sea, so the U.N. is powerless to help the Kind Leader.

Finally, the Kind Leader's mustache magically comes alive to help the Kind Leader defend his nation. It creates a 'magic cloud' which drives the Evil Kurds away. Only the truly wicked Evil Kurds are, regrettably, killed by the 'magic cloud'.

And then, everyone who isn't dead lives happily ever after!

Reportedly, Saddam himself will not only be writing the book, he will also be doing all the illustrations as well. If I can manage to get my hands on any of his drafts, I'll be sure to share...

Cool Site!

Found a really cool link over at Castle Argghhh!. (Original hat tip to Boudicca, I guess...)

Check this out! It's a whole days worth of flights across the U.S. Check out the rest of the site too. If you have anyone flying anywhere in the U.S., you can track their flight in real time. And if you register, (which is free, by the way) the tracking screens will automatically update for you.

You can even just set it on an airport and watch all the flights in the area.

This is almost better than watching sand fall.

Poetry

While lots of folks are starting off 2006 with witty posts about their predictions for the coming year, or their resolutions, I thought I'd do something a little different....

So here's my 2006 Haiku.

2006

Two thousand and six.
A year by any standard,
that should really rock!

And here's my 2006 Limerick.

A Resolution Limerick

This coming year, twenty-oh-six,
I'll cut back on my pixy-stix.
It seems like a bad rhyme,
But with limited time.
Was all I could match up to six.