There's One, Only!

Just a reminder...

DAY BY DAY returns tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

For those of you who can't find her in the dark...

Now introducing--- glow-in-the-dark thongs. (And we ain't talking about what we used to call flip-flops back in the day.)

You knew that it was only a matter of time...

Something found while surfing the old 'net

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

It's my Dad's birthday tomorrow. But we're having the celebration tonight. Dinner at a restaurant somewhere. (The restaurant is run by an old friend of his. But no one else in the family knows where it is.)

We all chipped in and bought him something nice and usefull for when he goes camping. I'd say what, but there is the off chance that he might read this before he gets it.

Oh, and just so I don't hear any sulking from Harvey, I only buy gifts for actual relatives. Blog relatives get cheesy links and posts as their presents.

The two liberals

There were these two liberals who decided to go on vacation in Alaska when the salmon were running. Being really fond of fresh seafood, they decided to catch and cook their own (I know, they hadn’t thought about the killing and cleaning part of fishing yet, but liberals rarely think about the mundane parts of things)

Since they didn’t like touching the bait, they tried fishing for several days with empty hooks, but had no luck. Then, just a day before their vacation was going to end, they came across a couple of young men carrying several large salmon each. They didn’t have any fishing equipment on them, so the two liberals were curious as to how they had caught the large fish.

When they asked them, they told them that the salmon were so abundant in the streams, that all one had to do was have a friend hold on to your legs and dangle down over a bridge and just grab the salmon as the fish swam buy.

The two liberals quickly ran off to try it themselves. They found a bridge on the road they were on and one of them was dangled over the side. But, after an hour, they still had no luck.

Suddenly the one dangling off of the bridge started yelling, “Pull me up. Pull me up!”

His friend yelled back. “Did you catch one?”

“No,” was the reply. “There’s a train coming!”

Burp.

Good Thanksgiving Dinner.

Two turkeys, (one deep fried, one baked), two kinds of sweet potato, a three-bean caserole, two types of stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet corn, three forms of cranberry sauce and gravy to top everything off.

One word of caution when cooking a turkey in a turkey-fryer, put the turkey in very slowely. Doing it too quickly is how most of the grease fires are started.

Oh yeah, desserts! Jello-whip pies (my favorites) in cherry, raspberry and peach, apple pie, pumpkin pie and some kind of cake (I'm not sure what it was since I never made it that far. Probably cheese cake.)

And now that the Triptophan has had time to work it's way through my system...

'Night All!

Things seen and heard at Burger King™

I had lunch today at Burger King, as I often do. * The food was, as usual, adequate to my needs.** What was almost unbearable, (and I know no fault of the crew at the restaurant) was the VERY LOUD lady in line in front of me.

It’s one thing to think through your order, but come on, we don’t need to hear why you don’t like ketchup on your cheeseburger.*** And then, she raised her voice so grandpa, who was getting the drinks at the dispenser almost 10 whole feet away, would know why she didn’t like ice in her Coke.

Then, I (this was actually directed to me, although everyone in the restaurant could also hear) was treated to why she thinks that Sponge Bob Squarepants is a stupid cartoon. And how ugly it was and that it wasn’t as good as Scooby Do or any of the cartoons from when she was a child.****

Eventually, my food arrived, so I was able to find a seat (thankfully across the restaurant from this woman and her family). I was still able to follow her conversation whenever I wanted to. But mostly, I was able to loose myself in the book I had brought along.

On a more positive note, I did notice something extremely funny on the way out of the restaurant. On the door where you would normally see a “PUSH” sign, was this:

PUSH Or you can have it your way and PULL. But the door is very stubborn about things like that.

______________________________________________________

* I really like their Original Chicken Sandwiches, in fact, I practically lived on them in college.

** ie. deep fried.

*** Although I do have to say that I was amused when she ordered a cheeseburger with no condoms on it for her little daughter. And I didn’t mis-hear her, that’s what she said.

**** With most Nicktoon cartoons, I would have to agree with her. But in my opinion, Sponge Bob is one of the few cartoons that is reasonably well drawn. Besides, my Other Blogless Brother, who is a Marine Biologist got me slightly hooked on it, (He gets tickled by the thought of a kitchen sponge living at the bottom of the ocean.)

Sorry, it's all I've got for today.

A strange question

I was setting on my porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil
in his hand. "What are you selling young man," I asked.

"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. "I'm the Census Taker."

"A what?" I asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the
United States."

"Well," I answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I haven't a clue."

Really, utterly awful joke

The English Farmer

An old English farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time
one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to
sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors
from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them
like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he
decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live
comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put
advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have
long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting
American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors
mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.
After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local
inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman
arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in
most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.
"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a
long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?"
"Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see,
I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke." "Ah,
there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then
proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last
particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open
window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night. "Hey, how the
heck did you manage that?" gasped the American. "Oh, it was nothing; you
see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

???????

I was just sitting here watching Mythbusters (cool show) when my cell phone started ringing. I answered, as I usually do, and got what sounded like a computerized recording saying hello back.

When I asked who it was, I heard "I'm Dr. Phil and I want you to have a gay relationship."

I said, "I don't know who this is but you're wasting my cell minutes." And hung up. Idiots.

?!?!?!?! They just called back, and I got a montage of Homer Simpson recordings. I don't know who it is, but I really regret not having caller ID right now.

The LEFT and their tolerance...

There is a good summation of all of the leftist cartoonists who have been trying to lampoon Dr. Rice's (I can't spell her first name, and I won't demean her here by calling her Condi) appointment to Secretare of State over here at Democracy Project.

Isn't it wonderfull the things that minority loving Leftists have to say about a black woman being in one of the most powerful positions in the world...

(Democracy Project has already been Installanched. But I thought that I'd mention this to my four or five readers too.)

A Serious Post

Read this petition to the United States Congress, and if you agree, please sign it.

Over 25 people signed it while I was writing this post. This is something that is important to a lot of folks.

(3094)

PHGA: Terrorist reaction to Bush's Election

The Precision Guided Humor Assignment has been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. The moderator for the assignments, Harvey, has also been on vacation. Coincidence?

I don't believe in coincidences. (If I were a liberal, at this point I probably would start talking about conspiracies. But that's a whole other ball game.)

Anyways, I was going to type up something new for this weeks assignment (Worldwide reactions to Bush's re-election), but then I found that I already had a perfect post.

Arafat in a Coma!

Come on. You don't really think that his whole hospitalization starting the day after the election was a coincidence, do you?

That Waskally George W.

Good article over here at Mullings about the headstrong, unilateral actions of a certain George W.

It was Incredible!

I went and caught The Incredibles! this afternoon before work. And I have to say that I loved it.

Great characters, great story, great moral. All around... two thumbs up. In fact, I wish I could grow more arms so I could give it more thumbs up.

I know I'm a little late with this, but...

It's Vetran's Day. So hug a vetran today. Or as in my case, let one eat all of your corn chips...

Thanks Dad, Grandpa's (one still with us, one I never met) Uncle Rick, Great-Uncles Lou and Joe, and any others that I've forgotten. The world's a better place for what you've done.

Yep, felt like this guy too...

The dying man.

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."

Ever have one of those days?

I'm working on about my 400th consecutive one. At least that's what it feels like...

Too bad Halo 2 is so much fun. It keeps spoiling my mood.

Wow. HALO 2 ROCKS!

Played Halo 2 for about a total of 5-6 hours so far. Half of that single player and the other half on Xbox-Live. Both ways of playing are... extreme. The dual-wield (where you can fire guns from both hands) took a little getting used to, but was a really cool addition to the game. The Party option for multi-player is nice too. It lets you keep playing with the same group of guys instead of find new players each time the match is over.

The previews that I saw didn't really do the game justice. The maps are huge, and the detail of the levels is just awesome. I especially like the damagable scenery and vehicles. (Except that time when I had the flag, and right before I hopped into a Warthog [kind of like an atv on steroids] someone blew it up. Two seconds later, I was watching some red-team guy standing over my corpse...)

The cut scenes between the levels are done very well. With almost no difference between actual game-play graphics and movies. They didn't need any. I'll say this much to anyone playing it for the first time. You have to watch all of the cut scenes or you won't have a clue as to what's going on in the game. (You might not even understand who you are. (But that's the only little spoiler I'll say.) The cut scenes are informative, without taking up too much of the game. So they're a pleasure to watch. At least the first time.

Well, I'm at work right now typing this, so I can't play anymore for today. But if anyone sees GEB the IV on Xbox live after midnight tonight, say hello. Hey, you could even invite me into your clan. Or maybe just a party. I have to warn you that I'm only so-so at playing online though. :-)

TICK TICK TICK TICK

Just counting down the hours till Halo 2...

Blogging might be a little lighter for a while.

Ooh. New Red vs. Blue episode out. With more to come this week!

I know I owe everybody a roundup.

I did really appreciate everybody who linked some Bad Jokes for my Birthday. And I'm sorry that I haven't gotten around to doing the roundup for all of that.

It's on my to-do-list. Honestly.

Just a little BEAL right now about doing actuall work on the blog though. But don't worry, it'll happen eventually.

Really.

(And I know that I promised pictures from Halloween too. I'll get around to that too.)

Comment Party At Harvey's

Harvey, of Bad Example is on vacation. So while the blogfather is away, the blogchildren will play.

Come on over to the comment party.
(Warning: May contain adult subject matter. So far it's just innuendo, but you never know what someone might say.)

Yay!

I finally got my DVD player working right again. After going through all of the trouble shooting steps, and the automatic checks for up to date drivers, I just downloaded the whole driver set from Compaq. Then I ran the installation file, and...

IT WORKS!!!!!

Now I can watch my *Brand New* Shrek 2 DVD!

I've got a few other movies that I've been putting off watching on my TV-DVD setup (who wants to watch a movie in the living room when you can watch it in bed) too.

HAPPY DANCE!

Arafat in a coma!

I know that I'm probably a little behind in reporting that Yasser Arafat went into a coma last night, but I do have one piece of breaking news to add to the story.

Reports are coming in that right before slipping into the coma, Arafat was watching CNN and was heard to esclaim, "He was re-elected!?!?" *THUD*

Doctors are still not sure who the coment refered to, and if was part of the cause of the aging terrorist's going into his coma. (They're not very good doctors, but they work cheap.) Some close to Arafat think that the stress of watching the Red Sox finally win a World Series in the past weeks had been too much for the Palestinian leader to take, and his health was suffering from the let-down of emotion after the celebrations of their victory.

When asked if Arafat was really a Red Sox fan, his top aide replied, "Well, we assume so. He was always talking about how much he supported some guy from Boston. Who else could he be talking about?"

PGHA: 380 Tons of explosives

I had 380 tons of high explosives show up in the mail the other day. Now I just have to figure out what to do with all of it…

Well, now that the election is over and President Bush has a relatively clear majority, I can thankfully scrap the more apocalyptic thoughts I had for that much explosive. I guess that I won’t have to booby-trap all of the approaches to my home. (Just kidding. The traps are still there, just without any explosives. So I guess that would make them non-lethal…)

Anyways, here’s my ideas:

Since most of the missing explosives, when mixed with the proper chemicals or resins form a plastic-like substance, a whole realm of possibilities opens up.

One of my first thoughts was a High Explosive novelty cigar. But after I thought about it for a while, I seemed to remember reading somewhere that Islamo-Fascist Fundamentalists don’t smoke, so I thought distribution might be a problem.

Next, I thought about making HMX sunglasses. But I wasn’t sure if the explosives could be turned into an opaque plastic lens. And I thought that the sunglass frames might be a little small to fit a detonator into. Especially if we had to stick with the high fashion designs that today’s modern terrorist seems to wear.

I briefly toyed with the idea of HMX condoms, but that just seemed a little unfair to camels.

Finally, I was inspired by the final scene of “Caddyshack.” Except instead of cute little fuzzy bunnies and other little critters, I was thinking along the lines of an Islamo-Fascist Academy Award. The IFAA, or Mucti, (so called because they were modeled on the likeness of Muctada Al Sadr) would be a chubby little statue just cram packed with explosive goodness. (For us, that is.)

The Muctis would be given out at a grand ceremony where all of the terrorists present would receive one. We could make up categories as we went along. Like “Best Turban,” “Biggest Stash of Guns,” “Highest Main Stream Media Ratings”, “Largest Living Group Of Followers” or “Most Likely to Blow Up” (OK, hopefully they’ll all win that last one. But you get the idea.)

Then, when all of the terrorists have their Muctis, they can be set off by remote detonators built into the base, or by a pre-set timer. (“Jamal, is your Mucti ticking, too?” “No. But mine just started to make a beeping noise.” KABOOM)

If it works really well, we could consider other award ceremonies… “The Poofy Haired Dictator Lifetime Un-Achievement Award” just popped into my head for a start.

Still too close to tell...

But I am starting to feel cautiously optimistic...

Too bad I have to vote in New York, so my vote for the President never counts for the electoral college.

Come to think of it, the only person I've ever voted for that won was the President four years ago. I've never even had my choice for Senator or Representative count either.

Oh well, at least I helped with the popular vote.

A little Sanatra to set the mood...

Here's a little remake of an old Frank Sanatra song which kind of explains why terrorists couldn't pull off another airplane hijacking again...

Yeah, that's about how I felt right after 9/11.