There's One, Only!

Priceless...

Just in case you're one of the two or three people who haven't seen this yet. Here is the Red Socks: Priceless commercial.

It's sort of work safe... mostly.

(Hat tips: Harvey and Blackfive)

Hungry?

Wow, the only one of these stories that had food in the title was the only one that didn't involve people biting something...

Belated Anniversary Wishes.

Well, I realize that I'm two days late with this, but since tonight is the celebratory dinner, it's not entirely my fault for not thinking of this sooner.

Anyways, Happy Anniversary! to my Mom and Dad. They were married 32 years ago on December the 27th, 1972.

The story is that Dad came home for Christmas break from Embry Riddle (sp?) in Daytona, FL where he was majoring in surfing and had a minor in Aeronautics. (He wanted to be a pilot.) He and my Mom had been dating since they were Juniors in high school (or somewhere around there) and were already engaged. Well, they decided that they had waited long enough, so when he left home to go back to school, he took her with him.

They got married in the first town they were both old enough to get married in. Which turned out to be in North Carolina. At the time, NY State law said that a man had to be 21 to get married without parental consent, and a woman had to be 18. So, even thought my Dad was 20, and my Mom was 19, she was old enough to marry, and he wasn't. Technically, I believe that she could have been charged with kidnapping...

As a kid, my favorite part of the whole story was my parents getting their marriage license. They went into an old courthouse in this little town in North Carolina, and asked if they could get a marriage license, and how long before they could be married. They expected it to take a day and that they would have to get separate rooms for the night. (People were still proper about things like waiting for the wedding back then. At least in my family…)

They were quite pleasantly surprised when the clerk told them that if the town’s doctor was still in his office, they could get the blood test done and be back to get married in a couple of hours. So they went over to the doctor’s place and discovered one of the oldest medical practitioners they had ever seen. Everything went fine when he drew blood from my Mom, but my Dad had a little adventure.

The doctor tied the rubber hose around his arm and stuck the needle in, just like you’re supposed to, but when he pulled back on the plunger, all he got was bubbles. My Dad normally has no problems with needles, and wasn’t bothered by this. But when the doctor said “Whoops.” And shoved the bubbles back in, he fainted. My mother said that the doctor just calmly found another vein and drew the blood before reviving my father. The doctor said something about it being easier now that my Dad wasn’t so tense…

And about two hours later, they were married in a little courthouse in a small town in North Carolina. Someday, I'll have to find the place...

So, that’s the story of my parents eloping a little over 32 years ago. And they’re still going strong!

A little interesting side note, 5 months later, when they came home over Easter, they were re-married in a church wedding. Since by then, I was all ready on the way*, I used to use this fact to confuse people. Especially my young cousins. I would tell them that both my parents had re-married (everyone always assume, to someone else) and that I was then raised by my step-parents. That I was the son of my Dad’s first wife, and my Mom’s first husband. (It's confusing, but does make a sort of twisted sense.)

And fortunately for my Dad, Mom never insisted on celebrating both anniversaries. In fact, I don’t even think either one could tell you what the date was for the second one without a lot of thinking. I know I can’t. Although, now that I think about it, this could be considered their 63rd anniversary…

*And yes, everyone was counting the months when I was born (right about 10 months after they were married) to see if my parents had to get married. They didn’t. Because, people were still proper about things like waiting for the wedding back then. At least in my family.

The Life Aquatic

Last night, after all of the other family obligations were done, my two blogless brothers and I went out to see a movie together. And since middle brother insisted, we caught Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. (Rated R)

It was very funny in parts, but would be best described as a dark comedy. While not my favorite movie of the year, I will say that it was worth the price of admission.

Just to give you an idea about how much my brother (who is a marine biologist, by the way) wanted to see the movie, here is a camera-phone picture of him in the theater lobby.

Notice the red cap and blue shirt. And even though I didn't dare ask, I assumed he was wearing a speedo under all of that. (Watch the movie, you'll get it.)

'Tis the night before Christmas

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
or Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas
by
Major Henry Livingston Jr. (1748-1828)
(previously believed to be by Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

Another groaner

Here's one that I've seen around a few times before:

The Old Cowboy

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to
live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great
grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Thoughts on living as a bachelor

Just some random thoughts on what it’s like to live as a bachelor:

I can drink straight from the bottle. And I’m not talking about beer, but the big Pepsi two and three liter bottles. Saves all sorts of time from having to find a glass, clean said glass, and all of that annoying pouring. I can drink out of milk cartons as well. But a word of advice; only if it’s fresh from the store. If you don’t remember when you bought it, use a glass. This allows you to check for the beginnings of cheese.

The remote is mine, all mine! I decide what to watch, when to watch, and within reason (the landlords don’t have the greatest hearing) how loud to watch it. And since as I guy, I have been know to watch up to three programs at the same time, I don’t have to listen to anyone complain about the constant channel changes.

The seat stays up. If I need to sit down, then I put the seat down. Otherwise, the lid is in the up and ready position for whenever I need it. And that’s the way it will stay.

Flatulence is never a problem either. Not that it doesn’t happen. It’s just that with no one to complain about it aroma, volume and frequency are never an issue.

I toss and turn at night, so it’s probably a good thing that I’m not married. If I were, I’m sure my wife would be able to file spousal abuse charges based on the bruises from my random limb movements. Of course, being single means that the covers are all mine too. (Although I’m not sure if that is really a good trade off.)

The thermostat is where I want it. I don’t have anyone constantly complaining that it’s too hot (almost never) or cold (much more likely). If I’m cold, my standard solution is to just put a little more clothing on. And not because I’m too cheap to pay the heating bill, I just like it a little colder than most.

Well, that’s the list I usually go over whenever I have to convince myself that I’m not really that lonely.

Update: I forgot to mention my banjo. The advantages to being a bachelor banjo player should be pretty self explanitory. And yes, the banjo, more than anything else, may explain the continuation of my bachelor status.

Bombs away!

Since everybody else is doing it, here's the targeting picture of where I live too.

I work in the building just to the right of the house. Real long commute each day, I know. Athough, the business' building has changed quite a bit since this picture was taken. I'd say it's about 10 years old, at best.

Brrrrrrr.

It is cold out. Still. Last night the official low was around 1 deg F. but I saw a thermometer that read -3. The worst part of it is, it's sunny out. So you have all sorts of people going outside and driving around not realizing how cold it is.

My family's business includes a carwash, and this is one of those days when you have customers complaining that you froze their doors after getting a wash. Never mind that you told them that it could happen. They think that because the sky is blue and the sun is out, it must be warm enough. But in reality, the temperature never got above 7 deg F.

Stay warm, and Merry Christmas!

Let it snow some more...

It snowed quite a bit this evening. About 2 inches fell between 8PM and 11PM. And it was a nice sticky snow.

It was the kind of snow that makes for perfect snowballs. And perfect snowmen. I was so tempted while walking home from work (I just live on the other side of the parking lot) that I couldn't resist and stopped and made one. It stands about 5' tall (6' with the trafic cone hat) and is now standing right at the corner of the garage. I'll post the picture as soon as it comes from my cell phone.

Only problem with this kind of snow is that it sticks to everything it touches. And since the wind was blowing pretty good while it was falling, my satelite dish is liberally coated (darn liberals) and *sniff* that means no cartoons for me before bedtime.

Oh well, there's always the internet...

Update: Here's the picture (I guess I took it a too low a resolution...)

PGHA: What should we get the terrorists for Christmas?

The traditional “gift” for naughty boys and girls is coal. Perhaps to represent their evil, black little hearts. Along this line of reasoning, I came up with a few “gift” ideas for terrorists.

A lump of lead, (preferably traveling at more than the speed of sound) to represent their dense little brains.

A lump of uranium, (nicely wrapped in an implosive, shaped charge, with the optional altitude detonator attached). Again, representing their dense, little brains. And if Santa is a little busy, we can drop that one out of a B-2 for him. After this present, the lumps of coal will be former terrorists…

A lump of chocolate, representing their sweet goodness… oh wait, that one is for Susie.

Aw heck, when you think about it, any chunk of fossil fuel will do. Provided that you cram it down their throats hard enough! A 5-gallon can of gasoline would be more than enough to drown a dozen terrorists, as long as you took your time, drowned them one at a time and stood on the back of their heads until the kicking stopped.

OK, that was a little bitter. So I guess I should stop there.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Let it snow, let it snow...

Well, it looks like winter is finally getting to the Greater Buffalo area. Lake effect snows have been drifting back and forth across the whole area since late Sunday night. I've only got a dusting here, but the temperatures are low enough that it's all sticking around.

I'm just glad I don't live in the southern suburbs any more. My folks do, and my father had to take the plow home from work tonight. I guess they got about 4 to 6 inches. :-/

I'm sure that it's just a matter of time before I get to do that around here for the family business too. (And that can probably be counted in days, not weeks...)

Umm...

I don't have anything to say today, so here's another bad joke I found.

How do you keep a blog reader in suspense...

Answer in the Extended Entry.

&@#$^!*

This is the kind of thing that almost makes me curse out loud.

What kind of thinking makes you put RIGHT ANSWER and WRONG ANSWER on a poll question? (I underlined it for emphasis) Personally, I choose "I don't like this poll."

I guess this takes push polling to a whole new level...

Incidentally, I found this while following some links I got from a Boots and Sabers article about a man trying to defend his home.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn on CBS

Rumor has it that Evil Glenn has been tapped to be the one to replace Dan Rather as the anchor on CBS News. Potentially, this has both many benefits and drawbacks.

Here’s a short list of Pro’s and Con’s as I see them.

(Pro) As the CBS News Anchor, Evil Glenn would have a much smaller audience, thus slowing the spread of his evil agenda.

(Con) By moving to a video media instead of just type, Evil Glenn may be able to directly control his followers with his hypnotic eyes.

(Pro) FCC regulations would prevent him from performing live hobo whacking on the air. Hopefully, this would cause him to cut back on total daily bludgeonings.

(Con) Unfortunately, FCC regulations would not prevent him from performing “The Robot” live on the air.

(Pro) No more “Ratherisms.”

(Con) Every News item would be followed by “Heh,” “Hmmm,” or “Indeed.”

But if we’re lucky, he just might read some of his poetry first…

Yowtch!

Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world
record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin.

The old record was none.

(Found on a joke newsgroup)

PGHA: Dan's New Job

Now that Dan Rather has officially announced that he is leaving CBS, many people are wondering what new job he’ll be going to.

Obviously, he can’t just retire and live off of his pension. After he gets around to paying off all of the fines and penalties for some of his on-air statements, he’ll be lucky to keep his house.

So I decided to put together a brief list of occupations where I could see him ending up.

Assistant Zookeeper: After all, he has to be used to shoveling it by now…

Stable Boy: See above.

American Communist Party Chairman: See above.

Democratic National Committee Chairman: This way he would still be able to get paid for saying slanderous things and generally lying about the DNC opponents. This job would require the least amount of re-training for him. And oh yeah, see above.

Kinkos Representative: “For copies better than originals, use Kinkos” (Actually, I saw this as a photoshop somewhere and couldn’t resist using it.)

Dark Lord of the Blogsphere: Since the rumor is that Evil Glenn will be taking his place as CBS News Anchor, someone will need to fill the vacancy left by Instapundit. Oh wait, that would be our job. Scratch that one…

Crash Test Dummy: It’s not like he’s using his head for anything anyways…

Late Night Show Punchline: “…and this was the worst blizzard in New York history. In other news, Dan Rather has stated that we will be having the mildest and sunniest winter ever this year…” (OK, so that one didn’t work as well as I hoped. There’s a reason why I’m not working late night shows yet.)

Hat Rack: See “Crash Test Dummy”

Well, that’s all I could come up with. Sorry if some of those seemed a little callous and insulting. They were all meant to be.

See. We are doing the right thing.

What do you know, free democratic elections actually took place, and yesterday, the first freely elected leader of Afghanistan was sworn in.

Hat tip to Knowledge is Power.

Christmas Carols

Everybody has one of these around this time of year. (At least everyone with a blog, that is.) A list of their favorite Christmas Carols.

I’m not going to do a full top ten list. I really have just a few real favorites, and the rest all kind of lump together.

The two I love the most are Do You Hear What I Hear? and Oh, Holy Night

I can sing those two over and over for hours by myself at work.

My favorite Christmas recording has to be the duet between Bing Crosby and David Bowie, singing Little Drummer Boy. I'm not entirely certain, but I believe that it is one of the last recordings that Bing ever made.

Sorry that I don’t have the ability to link to that recording, but in the extended entry, I do have the lyrics to the first two songs. Just in case you wanted to sing them to yourself…

Do You Hear What I hear?

Said the night wind to the little lamb,
do you see what I see
Way up in the sky, little lamb,
do you see what I see
A star, a star, dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy,
do you hear what I hear
Ringing through the sky, shepherd boy,
do you hear what I hear
A song, a song, high above the trees
With a voice as big as the sea
With a voice as big as the sea

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king,
do you know what I know
In your palace warm, mighty king,
do you know what I know
A Child, a Child shivers in the cold
Let us bring Him silver and gold
Let us bring Him silver and gold

Said the king to the people everywhere,
listen to what I say
Pray for peace, people everywhere!
listen to what I say
The Child, the Child, sleeping in the night
He will bring us goodness and light
He will bring us goodness and light

Oh Holy Night

Oh holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night divine

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming
Here come the wise men from Orient land
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger
In all our trials born to be our friend.

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.

Words by Chappeau de Roquemaure
Translated by John S. Dwight

Grumble Grumble....

Grumble...work 3 hours early...grumble...no coffee yet...grumble...phone woke me up...grumble...at least we have internet at the store...

Battle Hymn of the Alliance

Well, since I'm not sure if I'll win the Alliance Anthem poll. I went and worked on the Battle Hymn of the Alliance. Hopefully this will be good enough not to cause another run off of some type. After all, even though the US has only one official anthem, there are plenty of other patriotic songs.

Battle Hymn of the Alliance

Mine eyes have seen the Bloggers and they’re coming after you.
They’ll trample all the liars and fakers when they’re through.
We’ve unleashed the fact checkers and a whole lot of truth.
The Alliance marches on!

Oh, my goodness are we Bloggers?
Can you believe that we are Bloggers?
Glory, glory we are Bloggers!
And the Alliance marches on!

We are challenging a monster that never seems to sleep.
We have stolen victory where once was but defeat.
The Big Media will tremble when we pound our keys.
And the Alliance marches on!

Oh, my goodness are we Bloggers?
Can you believe that we are Bloggers?
Glory, glory we are Bloggers!
And the Alliance marches on!

Blending up all the puppies, he drinks them down as shakes.
Chasing all the hobos, he beats them with a rake.
But Evil Glenn runs in terror when we chase him with wooden stakes.
And the Alliance marches on!

Oh, my goodness are we Bloggers?
Can you believe that we are Bloggers?
Glory, glory we are Bloggers!
And the Alliance marches on!

In a dimly lit apartment someone logs on for the day.
With no sense of poetry and even less to say.
But his words will echo round the world in the fastest way.
As the Alliance marches on!

Oh, my goodness are we Bloggers?
Can you believe that we are Bloggers?
Glory, glory we are Bloggers!
And the Alliance marches on!

Alliance Anthem Roundup

The roundup for the possible Alliance Anthems is up at Alliance HQ. Read through them all and then vote on the sidebar.

(I still like mine, but I think that I might have to vote for Rockynoggin's Ballad of the Alliance Bloggers)

...maybe I could do the Battle Hymn of the Alliance

I hate CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

I can’t stand it. Every time CSI comes on, I have to watch it. And it’s cutting into valuable Xbox time.

What were they thinking?

They left a freaking trail of donuts to the stolen truck! Even Hanz Blix could have found this.

I bet there were cops from other districts who were almost supernaturally drawn to the scene of the crime. I can just see two officers in a squad car, "Why are we turning here?" "I felt a disturbance in the Force. As if a great number of donuts suddenly cried out for help."

Men and women who type!

This week’s alliance assignment was to come up with a blog anthem for The Alliance to be set to the tune of a Blank Brothers Band song.

I couldn’t do it.

So instead, I cajoled some words around until I had set an anthem to the tune of Robin Hood: Men in Tights' song Men In Tights.

So here it is,

Men (and Women) Who Type

We're men, and women who type.
We roam around the blogsphere looking for fights.
We're men, and women who type.
We blog for the rich and to help the poor, that's right!
We may lie about Evil Glenn, but watch what you say or else he'll put out your lights!
We're men, and women who type,
Always on guard defending the blogsphere's rights.

[The Can-Can Chorus Line]

We're men, MANLY men, and women who type.
Yes!
We roam around the blogshpere looking for fights.
We're men, and women who type.
We mock the left and link to each other, that's right!
We may worship Frank J., but don't get him wrong or else he'll put out your lights.
We're men, and women who type
LIKE TO TYPE!
Always on guard defending the blogsphere's rights.
When you're in a fix just call for the men who type!

WE'RE BLOGGERS!

NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA

Guess what came in the mail today.

Give up?

I got my copy of Cox & Forkum's "Black & White World II" today!

Look upon my coolness and dispair!

Daddy's little girl

Seen this one around a few times and thought I'd share it with everyone.

Daddy's little girl

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since
Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she
asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish
girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might
start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people
a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,
he'd love everyone a lot. And then! he'd start going all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate
anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with
newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

PGHA: Legacy Media Lies

Weather they use outright lies, or merely distortions, the Mainstream, or as Harvey likes to call them, Legacy Media are always going to try to influence the way people think, or interpret events. So the question was put forth at the Alliance Headquarters, “What exaggerations, distortions or outright lies will the Legacy Media promulgate as fact in the closing days of 2004?”

At first, I though about making something up. But that seemed like too much work. So instead, in true procrastinator spirit, I decided to put it off indefinitely.

What I’ll do instead is wait until someone invents a time machine that hooks into my e-mail. Once that happens, I’ll just e-mail myself a list of the lies that the media comes up with for the end of 2004.

It’s that simple!

UPDATE: Wow, that was fast! I just got the e-mail from myself. Here it is:

Hey GEBIV,

It’s me, GEBIV from the future. I can’t tell me how far from the future (we don’t want to change history too much) but here is that list of biased and completely misleading headlines that I wanted me to get for myself.

Media Lies

12/20: Coalition Forces in Iraq completely bogged down.
Two tanks get stuck in a swamp after a flash flood on the outskirts of Baghdad.

12/24: Santa warned not to come to Iraq.
Flippant remark by an Army Specialist about how “…our anti-aircraft radar could pick off Saint Nick from a hundred miles out.” panics small children across America.

12/25: American Troops found smuggling contraband.
Two GI’s are accused by Baghdad Imams of illegal possession of Christmas Carol music.

12/27: Troop morale at all time low.
A small article about post-holiday depression gets blown all out of proportion.

12/28: President accused of covering up bad economic figures.
During a meeting with his accountant, President Bush photographed after he accidentally sets his coffee cup on top of a stack of receipts and is accused of trying to “hide something.”

12/29: Bush says: THE END IS NEAR!!!!
Just a direct miss-quote of the President remarking how close it is to the end of the year.

12/30: Blogging bad for your health!
An article based on the misleading statistic that more bloggers than non-bloggers (ie. people without opinions) get in fist fights at political conventions.

12/31: Pentagon says: NO END IN SIGHT FOR IRAQ WAR!
Another direct miss-quote of a Pentagon Official. When he was asked if the war would end this year, he sarcastically replied that there was “no way that the war would be over this year.” The reporter didn’t realize that December had 31 days and assumed that the official was speaking of 2005.

That’s all that I was able to find for me. I’m pretty sure that that was what I wanted, but a lot of the end of 2004 is still a little fuzzy for me. Oh, that reminds me, that isn’t guacamole in the fridge (the doctor said that it was probably really old chili).

And to heck with history! Even though I don’t remember winning the lottery, here’s the winning lotto numbers for 12/1/04: &al;aweirb awie^(***;jkah;sdf ;aln;afjn; fan ;sd/wejb aas;dlkfnsadf…

Just great. The e-mail got corrupted. I just hope I haven’t introduced some sort of future super-virus to the HOIojasd;I a;sdifja e,dfa