There's One, Only!

The Bills Win, Too!

Just got back from the Bills-Cardinals game. I only saw the end of the second quarter on, (last minute invite) but what I saw was great.

The whole team finally showed up for the same game at the same time. Even with the wind and the rain, Bledsoe threw for two touchdowns and didn't get sacked once. And Magahee was great. The Bills finally have a solid, punishing runner.

I do have to say that Mooreman, the punter, was probably the player of the game though. Even punting into the wind, (gusting to over 30 mph) he was able to get the team out of some really deep holes and give the defense room to work.

Now I just have to convince the guy who gave my dad the tickets to get into the suite that I'm a lucky charm for the team and should be there for all of the rest of the home games. I'm not holding my breath though. :-p

I won!

Just got back from the second Halloween party this weekend, and I won "Best Costume" for my rendition of Monty Python's King Arthur!

Pictures to follow when I get them from my parent's camera.

Also, pictures of Friday night's party when I get my camera from the person I asked to hold it.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Halloween

The Alliance wants to know: what is Evil Glenn is going to be doing for Halloween? I’ve got two words “time share.”

Tradition has it, that Halloween is the night when all of the imps and demons of the underworld are allowed to come to the surface and walk among us. Well, if that’s true, then someone has to mind the shop (so to speak) while they’re gone.

That’s where Evil Glenn comes in. Since he gets to spread his evil 364 days of the year, he takes Halloween off and watches the underworld for them.

It’s a win-win situation. The demons don’t have to worry about anything happening while they’re gone. And Evil Glenn gets to sip his puppy shakes in peace, while the screams of the tormented lull him to sleep.

_______________________________________________________________

And now that we know what Evil Glenn is doing for Halloween, It’s time to play “Guess what GEBIV’s costume will be!”

I’ll give you three quotes to give you a hint as to what I will be going to a couple of costume parties as.

“A duck.”

“No. Let’s not go there. ‘Tis a silly place.”

“What do you mean? African or European…”

Any guesses?

A really lousy one that I've seen a few times around.

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first
guy says to the second. "You know, we could make
a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea,
so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance,
etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up
on the square. As they are constructing the tower,
a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end
of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second
guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch
him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,
the second guy misses him. The first guy falls
again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up -
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him
this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord
too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine,
but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

A funny thing happened on my way to the Eclipse…

Last night, I went out to my parent’s house to watch the eclipse from there. They live a little further away from the city, and a lot farther away from any shopping plazas, so the night sky viewing is a lot better there.

When I pulled into their driveway, I noticed a car parked across the street from them, but didn’t think anything of it. For whatever reason, there is a really good cell reception point right there and it’s not too unusual to see someone parked there talking on the phone.

The eclipse hadn’t started yet, so we were in the back yard playing with some Night-Vision binoculars that I picked up on e-bay recently, when we noticed a town police car pull up to the parked car. With it’s lights flashing. Again, we didn’t think too much about it…

Until we heard the shots, that is.

It turned out that the car was sitting on the side of the road because it had hit a deer. I guess the deer’s leg was broken because it was still there, and the police were called to put it down. The problem that the officer had was the deer was pretty small, (about the size of a collie) and he just couldn’t hit its head with the way it was flopping around.

Eventually, he was able to put it out of its misery, and by then, we had wandered around the front of the house to see what was going on. All in all, the officer had to use about 7 or 8 rounds to finally kill the deer.

We called a hunting neighbor of my folks to come and get the meat, and then, after talking to another neighbor who had come outside to see what was going on, we went back to watching the eclipse.

I’ll have some pictures of the eclipse whenever I get them from my Dad’s camera. If any one wants to see how it looked from Western New York. The sky cleared up just in time for totality, so the pictures came out really well.

Oh, and someone remind me to tell the mouse story sometime. (It’s a lot like the deer story, but with a happier ending.)

PGHA: October Surprise

Kerry predicts DOOM if not elected.

AP News, Washington D.C.- At a speech given earlier today, John F. Kerry, professional Vietnam Veteran, Presidential Candidate and sometimes U.S. Senator, made a statement which many media pundits are claiming is his October Surprise.

“I’m through with pandering to the swing voter. I’m done with promising this and that to everyone without getting any votes in return. Enough is enough. If you won’t vote for me because I promise to give you goodies, maybe you little peons will respond to threats.

“As of hear and now, I am calling upon my Salem witch ancestors to bring a curse upon the land. If George W Bush is re-elected I will blot out the sun and the moon and cause a pestilence to spread throughout the nation.

“To prove my powers, tonight during the World Series, I will cause a great shadow to fall across the moon. This is just a warning, so the moon will come back tonight. But if you fail to elect me on November 2nd, the sun and the moon will be forever banished from the republic, and a plague of 60 days and 60 nights will descend upon the people.

“Remember, this can only be avoided if you elect me the President of the United States. If not there will be doom. DOOM!”

The Bush campaign has responded that the Lunar Eclipse scheduled for tonight is a purely natural phenomenon, and is absolutely no indication of supernatural powers by either candidate. They also stressed that the occurrence of the Eclipse is not a sign of the Apocalypse.

However, when pressed on the issue, they couldn’t rule out the fact that the Red Sox winning the World Series might actually be one of the signs mentioned in the Bible in the book of Revelations. One un-named source from the President’s campaign was quoted “We can all hope that the curse of the Bambino continues, and that the end of the world as we know it is not at hand.”

See, I told you they were bad

Here's one that's been floating around the internet for a while. And I suppose you could put any team's name in it.

Football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours for the Buffalo Bills. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Mike Malarky immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined
that the white substance unknown to the Bills
players was the goal line. Practice was resumed
when the FBI decided that the team would not
be likely to encounter the substance again.

And Now, Another Word From Our Sponsor

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Operator: Sir, that sounds pretty dangerous.

Aaron: Yeah I know. And talking on my cell phone isn’t helping any either. And you should see the traffic here on the Thruway. I thought that speeding would help keep me awake, but I keep nodding off.

Operator: …

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Aaron: Extra sugar please.

Announcer: OnStar(bucks), we’re there when you need that little extra pick-me-up. And just in case you get in an accident before you get to us… we don’t know you.

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The Bills Still Stink

I just knew that I should have started Baltimore's defence against the Bills today. I went with my heart instead of my head on that call though.

No longer. From now on, my heart knows that the Bills stink too.

Surprise!!!

Hey, tomorrow's my birthday! I won't tell you how old I am,. Let's just say that I'll be eligable to run for President in 2008. (OK, 31. But still a kid inside.)

Um... where was I going with this?

Oh yeah. What I would like from anyone who is interested, is some jokes with really bad punch lines. The punnier the better. You know, the same kind of jokes that Harvey hates so much. (Please keep them clean. My parents read this site occasionally.) They don't have to be original. I know that the best jokes get retold time and time again.

Just post them on your own web site, leave me a link in the comments, or a trackback to this post, or e-mail me with the subject "Bad Jokes" to vze3jcj8 (at) verizon.net.

I'll put up a list of them on Sunday so everyone can enjoy them. It'll be sort of a Carnival of the Bad Jokes.

Update:OK. After reading Harvey's comment about 24 hour notices and weekends, I've decided to extend this to a full week. So you have untill Friday the 29th for entries. (Hey it's my birthday present. I can change the rules if I want to.)

And just to let everyone know what kind I like...

Bob and Phil were taking a flight across the Atlantic from New York to London. About halfway across the Atlantic, the captain came on the intercom and made an announcement, interupting the movie.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to have to tell you that we've had some problems with our number 2 engine, so we had to shut it down. Don't worry, we can still make the flight on our remaining three engines, but we will be a half hour late arriving in England."

Bob and Phil went back to watching the movie. A short time later, the captain again came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we've had to shut down another engine. The plane can still fly with just two engines, but now we'll be an hour late to England."

Bob and Phil listened to the captain, and then continued to watch the movie. A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom again.

"Folks, I'm really sorry to have to say this, but we've had to shut down another engine. This plane will fly just fine on the remaining one, but unfortunately, we will now be two hours late getting into England."

When the captain was done talking, Bob turned to Phil and said, "You know what? If he shuts down that last engine, we're going to be stuck up here all day."

Filthy Lie: Little Known Facts About Evil Glenn

To rip off a great idea
Frank J.'s...

Little known facts of thy enemy, Evil Glenn:

*Evil Glenn didn’t always blend puppies for energy shakes. He started smaller, drowning and then blending hamsters, but was stopped by John Kerry.

*Glenn once tried to blend a cat, but the net blood loss from the cat scratching him while trying to get it into the blender was too great. Plus it had a funny aftertaste and gave him hairballs.

*In a battle between Aqua-man and Evil Glenn, Aqua-man would lecture Glenn on the evils of being, well… Evil. Evil Glenn would then whack Aqua-man like a homeless hobo.

*Evil Glenn once actually spent a holiday in Cambodia. It was only Columbus Day, so he wouldn’t have had the day off from whatever evil enterprise he was engaged in anyways.

*There are over 200 ways to say snow in the Eskimo tongue, but only one way to say “Indeed.”

*Evil Glenn never actually participated in “Genghis Kahn like atrocities.” But not for lack of trying.

*Evil Glenn is a Red Sox fan, and brokered the deal where the players sold their souls to the devil in return for a winning season.

*If the Red Sox loose the World Series, the players get their souls back and Evil Glenn has to return his commission.

*Unfortunately, he already blended all of it.

*As a vampire lawyer, Evil Glenn is vulnerable to garlic, stakes through the heart, and Celine Dion tapes.

*Actually, everyone is vulnerable to a stake through the heart.

*Celine Dion too.

*That is, everyone is vulnerable to Celine Dion music. (Although, I guess a stake through the heart would probably work on her as well. Aw, you know what I meant…)

*In order to help quit his smoking addiction, Evil Glenn took up chewing tobacco.

*That only worked until he ran out of dogs named “Tobacco.”

*Evil Glenn once worked for Halliburton.

*He brought a barrel of oil to the job interview to trade in for some blood.

*He quit when he discovered that they weren’t as evil as everyone said they were.

*Evil Glenn has an irrational fear of the number 42.

*This is probably a result of the several times that he was beat up by 42, 73-year old grandmothers.

*He doesn’t visit nursing homes anymore.

*This has affected his Alzheimer’s class action suit.

*But not too much, he was making a lot of it up before anyways.

*Evil Glenn was once the target of an ASPCA lawsuit.

*It was dropped when they couldn’t find a lawyer willing to risk his life against Evil Glenn in a courtroom.

*Evil Glenn stopped buying Girl Scout cookies when he discovered that they were not made from actual Girl Scouts.

*When they stopped showing up to try to sell him more, he had to end his home-recipe experiments.

*Contrary to his other evil actions, Trick-or-Treaters are very welcome at his Evil Fortress.

*Especially ones dressed as Girl Scouts.

Good, It's Back Up

I don't know if anyone else had this problem, but I couldn't log on to any Mu.Nu. sites allmost all day.

And then when I could, I couldn't post anything on mine. Not that I had anything to say. I just wanted the opportunity to do so if I did come up with something.

I'm not blaming anyone.

Really.

It was probably just a problem with my computer. I was having some issues with Mozilla last night, and had to do a complete re-boot to fix things.

Stupid computer.

///////////asdfa f/wekkenfn/klansdkna/lk/sdf

I mean nice computer. Please don't crash again! Good computer. Powerfull computer. Um... pretty computer. Strong computer.

Phew! That was close.

So, any questions?

No?

Good. Because I really don't have any answers. At least none that anyone would believe.

Anyways, have a good night everybody!

And try the prime rib.

I'll be here all week.

PGHA: Kerry's Cabinet Appointments

Here are my theories as to who John Kerry would appoint to a few various Cabinet posts:

Secretary of Defense: Kofi Annan. (That way you don’t have to waist time with the U.N. requesting U.S. troops for something. He can send them right away with no extra paperwork.)

Secretary of Transportation: Teddy Kennedy. (After all, who else knows the deplorable consequences of poor road and bridge maintenance.)

Secretary of Education: Michael Moore. (Hey this guy’s got propaganda down to a science. It won’t be too hard for him to come up with a nicely liberal education agenda.)

Attorney General: Bill Clinton. (Who else knows more about how people abuse the legal system; and when someone should be investigated.)

National Security Advisor: Jacque Chiraq. (Because France has obviously had a better idea of world events and terrorist threats than anyone else.)

Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton (Because then she only has to bump off four people to get to the White House. And really, any job that keeps her out of the country as much as possible is a good thing.)

Secretary of the Treasury: Teresa Heinz Kerry (Because she has so much money, she must know how it all works. And he really doesn’t want Hillary to be in charge of the Secret Service.)

Secretary of Homeland Security: Dan Rather (Because terrorism should be a nuisance, and no one knows more about being a nuisance than Dan Rather.)

Margaritaville

Just because I had to look it up to get the first four words (I could remember everything else, just not the beginning) I give you...

Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville Lyrics

Nibblin' on sponge cake
Watchin' the sun bake
All of those tourists covered with oil
Strummin' my six-string
On my front porch swing
Smell those shrimp they're beginnin' to boil

Chorus:
Wastin' away again in Margaritaville
Searching for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame
But I know it's nobody's fault

I don't know the reason
I stayed here all season
Nothin' to show but this brand new tattoo
But it's a real beauty
A Mexican cutie
How it got here I haven't a clue

Chorus:
Wastin' away again in Margaritaville
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame
Now I think
Hell, it could be my fault

I blew out my flip-flop
Stepped on a pop-top
Cut my heel had to cruise on back home
But there's booze in the blender
And soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on

Wastin' away again in Margaritaville
Searching for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame
But I know it's my own damn fault
Yes and some people claim that there's a woman to blame
And I know it's my own damn fault

Because the only thing worse than having a song running through your head is having a song running through your head and not being able to remember how the song starts!

Day By Day©

Hey! Alright! He’s coming back!

For those of you who haven’t heard yet, Chris Muir will be re-starting Day By Day© on December 1, 2004.

Let the countdown commence!

.
.
.
.
.
.
Is it back yet?
(Argh! Stupid time isn't going fast enough!)

????????

I think I just saw a salter/plow truck drive by!

The forecast is only for a low of 42deg F. Am I missing something?

I mean sure, it snowed a little Saturday night... but that was south of here in the hills in snow country.

It does look like it's going to rain for a while tonight though.

Well, what did you expect?

I had a customer today, who poured a cup of coffee, added sugar, left it on the counter to use the ladies room, came back, added several creamers, walked away to check the chip rack, came back and stirred the coffee, left to check the candy rack, went back to put a lid on the coffee cup, took a sip and said that she didn't want it because it was too cold.

?????????

I didn't say anything to her, but I wanted to point out "What do you expect when you left it uncovered on the counter for 15 minutes?"

She did offer to pay for it. But the policy is if they don't drink it, we don't charge them. Usually a good policy. (No one wants a customer thinking you took advantage of them.) But this time...

(I know I kind of sound like Susie complaining about her 50 cent Wednesday night cutomers, but hey, everyone needs to rant sometimes.)

Update:I forgot to mention that this customer appeared to be at least 2 and a half sheets to the wind. Not nasty drunk. Just annoying drunk. And unfortunately, I have this defective gene which makes me treat people who appear to need some form of help nicely. Not quite pity, but something like that.

The Bills Win!

Yay! Finally. The Bills actually played a team worse than them.

Bills 20
Dolphins 13

Now all they have to do is win the next 11 in a row, and they could be in the playoffs!

Hey, at least I can look at the sports section tomorrow without cringing.
:-)

The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am
doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports
me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not
just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the
minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do
just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said
the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Augh! That was so absolutely awful that I just had to post it here.

Yay!

The third season of Red Vs. Blue has finally started! (With a snazzy new website redesign, I might add)

If you've never heard of it before, it's kind of like the Simpsons, the Sopranos and Hogan's Heros all rolled together. It's a military comedy, with military language,(i.e. lots of swearing) so it is definitely not for children.

It's created using the VERY popular game, HALO(tm). I won't go into all of the details, (mostly because I don't know how they do it) but it is the pinacle of computer generated animation. (In my opinion anyways)

If you haven't seen any of the series before, I would suggest starting at the beginning. Otherwise it doesn't really make a lot of sense, and the characters are too hard to follow. So be prepared for a lot of downloading, or go and order the DVDs. (Lo-Res is free, High-Res requires a subscription)

The Blonde Fan

The world's most avid baseball fan, a blonde, had arrived early at the
stadium for the first game of the series between local rival teams only to
realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of
the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for
another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth
when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the
voice, but met with no success.

Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back
to the end of the line and wait all over again.

After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a
beer. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the
game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to he window, a
voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

Again the blonde tried to find the voice and got out of line as she
wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. The blonde was
very upset as she got back in line for her beer.

Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As
she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!"
once more.

Furious, She stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs, "My name isn't
Linda!"

A truly Awful Joke

Here's a special one for Harvey. Just because I know how much he loves really bad puns.

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard. Thus, the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny decided he wanted to shave.
He asked the elders for their advice. They were shocked. They reminded him
of the ancient warning that the leader who shaved would be turned into
earthenware.

Benny scoffed at that, and cut his beard. As the final whisker was cut, a
huge dust storm came up. When it cleared, there stood a man-sized clay
vessel. The elders knew the legend must be true.

Their conclusion? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

A Few Banjo Jokes for old time's sake

A beautiful maiden is talking a stroll around the castle when she hears, "Hey! Down here!" Looking around, she sees a small frog down by the moat and picks it up. "Hi-I'm really a banjo player but an evil witch has put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. If you would kiss me I can return to my normal self and we can live happily ever after..." The beautiful maiden smiles and puts the frog in her purse. "Hey! Aren't you going to kiss me?" shouts the frog. "No way! A talking frog is worth a lot more than a banjo player!"

A bluegrass band is on their way back from a gig South of the border when they get arrested for playing a banjo after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band finds themselves looking at the business end of a firing squad. "Ready, Aim,..."

"Earthquake!" yells the guitar player which distracts the guards long enough so he can jump over the wall to freedom.

"Ready, Aim,..."

"Flood!" yells the mandolin player who jumps over the wall to freedom.

Now the banjo player is starting to catch on.

"Ready, Aim,..."

"Fire!" yells the banjo player as loud as he can...

A Russian, a Cuban, and two Americans, (a guitar player and a banjo player) were sharing a compartment on a train. The Russian in an attempt to impress the other passengers says, "In Russia we have so much vodka that we can afford to throw it away." He then throws a bottle of fine Russian vodka out the window. In a spirit of one-upmanship, the Cuban replies, "In Cuba, we have so many fine cigars that we can simply throw them away." And the Cuban proceeds to throw a box of the finest Cuban cigars out the window. Not to be outdone, the guitar player says nothing, he just stands up and throws the banjo player out of the window...

And one that for some reason makes me think of Harvey...

Driving down a long lonesome highway through the dessert on his way West, a weary traveler sees a lone female hitchhiking by the side of the road and slows to a stop to pick her up. She smiles, grabs her banjo, jumps in, and they're off. Then all of a sudden she yells, "Stop the car!" He slows the car to a halt under the shade of a big tree she jumps out of the car grabs her banjo, climbs up in the tree, throws off all her clothes, and starts playing the Star Spangled Banner. Have you heard this one before? No!?! What! You never heard our National Anthem before?!?

PGHA: Kerry's Sensitive War on Terror

Once again, the call went out across the blogsphere. The Alliance was mobilizing to finally answer the ultimate question. What the heck did John Kerry mean when he said that he would fight a “more sensitive war on terror?”

Fortunately, I knew a way that I could find out. I dug the Daydream Reader™ out of my Box Of Really Cool Stuff®. With just a few modifications, I figured that this would be able to let me see what Kerry’s vision of the future was like.

I quickly went to work, and after crossing 3 wires, adding a blender, a welding mask (to make it a Virtual Reality Helmet), and four 9-Volt batteries, I had adapted the D. Reader™ to be a Democratic Unreality Helmet™.

Once I had the D.U.H. in place, I programmed in the D.R.E.A.D. (Democrats Reigning Eternally, Alternate Dimension) setting, and set the target time for 6 months into the future.

**********************************************

Immediately, the image of the interior of the Oval Office appeared. President Kerry was yelling into the phone on his desk.

“I know that the order was for blue drapes. But that was yesterday. Now I want purple drapes. I don’t care what you have in stock. If you don’t get me what I want, I’ll have the Vice-President sue you like there was no tomorrow.” With that, he slammed the phone down on the desk. “Stupid contractors. Think their Unions can protect them. Hah.”

Just then, an intern stuck her head in through the door. “Mr. President, the Secretary of State is here to see you.”

“Send her in.”

The door closed, and then a few moments later reopened and in walked Hillary Clinton. “John,” she said. “I’ve got good news and bad news.

“First, almost all of the troops are pulled out of Iraq, and they’ve only suffered 25% casualties since you banned the use of ammunition for the frontline troops. With the rest of Europe getting ready to invade… I mean help with winning the peace, the Iraqi “freedom fighters” are mostly saving their bullets for later.

“But there have been 5 bombings of U.S. Embassies in predominantly Moslem countries, two cruise liner high-jackings, and someone claims to have planted a nuclear bomb at Mt Rushmore.”

“Hmm…” he said, furrowing his forehead in concentration as much as his Botox injections would allow. “And what’s the bad news?”

“Were almost completely out of caviar in the Cabinet break room.”

“What!?” He punched a button on his intercom. “Quick! Send for Madam Zeroni.” He disconnected the call. “This can not be tolerated. Do we know the cause?”

“Well,” Hillary answered. “It seems that due to all of the terrorist activities in the Baltic Region, caviar production has almost ground to a halt.”

“When I said that we needed to get back to where terrorism was an inconvenience, I didn’t mean to me! We have to do something about this.

“Ah, good. You made it.” He said to the large woman in the voluminous robe who was entering the room. “We need your help. There have been certain terrorist actions that have hurt us, and we need you to help us. I want you to contact your spirits and find out who and where those terrorists are.”

“Just one moment, Mr. President…” she said as she started to go into a trance. “The terrorists who attacked the American troops are…”

“No. It’s not them I want.” He interrupted.

“Then, the terrorists who bombed the U.S. Embassies are in…” She was cut off again.

“Stop. Not them either.”

“The terrorists who planned the high-jacked ships are…”

“You’re wasting my time.” He interjected again. “They’re not who I want.”

“The ones who planted the bomb?” She inquired timidly.

“No.”

“The one’s planning your assassination?”

“No- wait, what was that again?”

“There are seven terrorists in the downtown D.C. area who are planning your assassination as we speak. Would you like to know about them?” she asked with a small smirk.

“Oh, them. We know all about them. We’re trying to tie them to a right-wing conspiracy before we round them up. They’re no threat.” He said.

“Well then,” she said, a little testily, “What did you want me for?”

“We need to know where the terrorists who are disrupting the caviar industry are.” He explained.

She resumed her trance, and a few minutes later had given the President and Secretary of State the names and descriptions of the terrorists. “Are you going to send the Special Forces after them now?” she asked.

“No. We don’t do any of that cowboy stuff.” He said. “Hillary here will get together with her coven and curse them into oblivion. She’s no good at that clairvoyant stuff, that’s why we needed you. But give her a target, and she’s one of the best cursers around.”

**********************************************

With that, I pulled the D.U.H. off of my head and scratched my chin in wonder. I hadn’t realized that when he said he’d wage a “more sensitive war on terror,” he was talking about spiritual sensitives.

Can’t say I was surprised about Hillary being a witch though.

It's Quizilla Time!

Oooh. This is freaky. Anyone who knows me would pick this for me in a heartbeat. Especially that last bit about useless information.

You are DNA. You're a smart person, and you appear
incredibly complex to people who don't know
you. You're incomparably full of information,
and most of it is useless.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hat tip to Susie.

Wow

Zell Rocks! I'm glad that he's not running for president this year. After reading this, I would probably have to break my tradition of not voting for Democrats for President.

On second thought, I wouldn't mind voting for him in 2008...

Hat tip to Frank J.

Just a quick thought before bed...

What are the producers of the new Coke product C2 trying to show in the comercial with all of the people going crazy to the tune of "I Want To Break Free"?

Are they showing the extreme side-effects of the new sweetner? I mean, as a store manager, I don't think I want a product that when drunk, incites my employees to throw produce around the store. Where is the up side of that for the store?

Just some random thoughts.

Frolf

This morning before work, a few friends introduced me to the game of Frisbee Golf. Or Frolf, as they called it. It’s played very similarly to regular golf, except that you use Frisbees or Frolf disks instead of clubs and a golf ball.

The biggest advantage that I found is that it is much harder to lose a Frolf disk than it is to lose a golf ball. So you really only need one disk for the game. The biggest disadvantage was that I couldn’t throw a Frisbee for beans for the first half-hour.

The course is at the local county park, and is laid out much the same as a regular golf course with two major exceptions. One, the holes are much shorter. (No one wants to try to throw a disk more than 70 or 80 yards per hole.) And two, the course for the most part is in the woods. There are no fairways to speak of. You are expected to just play through the trees. Since you pick the disk up to make your next throw, there is no reason to groom the surface of the course.

The “hole” is a metal basket on a pole, set about waist height, with a bunch of dangling chains above it. The chains stop the disk so that you don’t have your putts kicked out when you hit the pole on a long shot. It sounds easy, but if you try to use the chains too much, you find that your second “putt” is often much longer than your first one. A good approach “putt” drops to the ground within 6 feet of the “hole.”

The guys teaching me showed me the three main types of throws; a traditional across the body throw, an outside sidearm throw, and an over-the-head “Hammer” throw. There are times when you want to use each different one, just like using different golf clubs, but darned if I could figure out when. I just stuck with the traditional throw for the first 9-holes. (While I was using an old Frisbee.) And then the sidearm throw for the back-9 when another friend showed up with a real Frolf disk he had picked up at the store for me, on his way to the park.

About the only other thing I can say about the game, is that if you are going to try it out at a local public course, it’s generally free to play. So spend the $9-$10 on a Frolf disk. It’s still a lot less than you would spend for a couple of hours bowling or even 9-holes on a public golf course. And there is a world of difference between how a Frolf disk (which is generally a lot denser and slightly smaller than a regular Frisbee) and a Frisbee are able to handle the course.

All in all, it was a fun time. And it only took about two hours to do the whole 18-hole course. Although, I think my arm will be telling me not to try it again any time in the next couple of days.

:-)

Bills vs. Jets coming up...

OK. It's crunch time. If the Bills don't win this one today, should we just write the season off?

Has any team ever come back from 0-4 to do anything in the playoffs? I'm pretty sure that the Patriots last year were the first team to ever lose the first two games of the season and then win the Super Bowl.

Oh well, there's always the Sabres... Doh!

Update: Yippy... They blew another one in the last minute of the game. Of course those last minute drives of the opposition wouldn't be so important if the Bills could just show up and play for the first 59 of the game.

The Cranky Cadillac Caliper Conundrum Caper

My Dad likes to fix the family’s cars. Or to put it another way, he would rather fix them himself than pay someone else to do it. Since we have an old lift in the un-used back garage, that’s not too much of a big deal most of the time. And, unlike myself, he actually has some skill in changing brakes, doing tune-ups and the like.

Usually.

Today, he decided to change the brakes on my Grandparent’s Cadillac. No problem. And they really needed to be changed. The brake pads on the back brakes had never been changed (most back brakes get changed only half to a third as often as the front brakes) but they were in pretty bad shape. The little “chirper” clip that’s supposed to make noise to let you know when it’s time to change the brakes had broken off, so the pads were worn down to the metal. Fortunately, the rotors (the disk part) were not damaged.

Well, everything was going fine for my father up to the point where he had to put the whole thing back together. On a normal car (being defined as one that my Dad has worked on before) to get everything to fit, you have to compress the caliper. He’s always done this with a large C-clamp. And he’s hardly ever had a problem doing it before.

Except for this time. No matter how hard he turned the screw on the C-clamp, the caliper just wouldn’t compress. After half an hour of straining, he finally called the dealership and asked what he was doing wrong. There reply was that you need a special Cadillac tool that turns the plunger in the caliper while it compresses it.

Just great. There was no way that my Dad was going to go buy a tool just to change one set of brakes. So he gets me back in the garage with him. My job is to use a hammer and a punch to hit the notches and get the plunger to turn while he compresses it with the C-clamp.

I suggested using a pair of pliers or an open-ended wrench to turn the plunger, but he said that there would be no way to get enough pressure on the piston.

So from there it went something like this:

“CLANG CLANG CLANG” “twist” “CLANG CLANG Thud”

That was me hitting my thumb with the hammer. (Fortunately the left thumb, which I don’t use when typing.)

This went on for 15 minutes or so. And only stopped when I could no longer get a good angle on the notch to turn the plunger, and I could no longer easily count to ten.

Now, having all of his ideas no longer work, my father decides to try mine. He grabs a pair of pliers, sticks the end of them into the notches and…

IT WORKS!

A few minutes later, using a 5/16” wrench and a pair of vice-grips, I had fabricated my very own Cadillac Caliper Compressor™ (Sorry to disappoint, but no duct tape was used in the manufacture process. Maybe in the Mark 2 model.)

Using our newly created tool, the rest of the job was over in a matter of minutes.

About now you are probably asking what the whole purpose of this story was… Actually, there isn’t any other than the fact that I really like the title “The Cranky Cadillac Caliper Conundrum Caper”

:-)

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Daydream

The message went out across the blogsphere. Find out what Evil Glenn daydreams about. At first I was a little skeptical. After all, what does the Undead Lord of the Internet need to daydream about? Surely all of his fantasies are instantly fulfilled by his minions.

But on further reflection, I had to agree with the thought that after typing “Indeed” or “Heh” for the hundredth time of the day, his mind was bound to wander a little. The question then became, what way to find out what he was thinking?

After a few days of tinkering, and using parts from my old desktop computer, a microwave, my vacuum, a TV dinner, an old hand-crank phonograph, a roll of Reynolds wrap, a small black and white TV (I was going to use a color one, but then I remembered reading somewhere that we dream in black and white), a handful of paperclips, two coconuts, all of the odd numbered cards from a poker deck, and a bar of soap, I managed to construct a machine to read daydreams.

I call it the…

DAYDREAM READER™

Or D. Reader™ for short. (And let me tell you, I was starting to dread what I was going to see in Evil Glenn’s head.)

I plugged the machine in and turned it on. After fumbling around in the dark for a few minutes, I found the breaker box and flipped the switches back on. As I started back up the stairs, the lights went back out again. This happened about four more times before I realized two things.

One, the D. Reader™ was obviously meant for a 220 circuit instead of the 110 house current available.

And two, unless I unplug it before I hit the breakers, I was going to be going up and down the basement stairs all day.

With this realization, I grabbed the D. Reader™ and headed to my job, where I knew that I could find a good 220 connection. I snuck in the back, and set up.

I turned the main dial to Blogger and the secondary dial to Gets more hits than me. When I hit the start button, there was an instant response. Across the screen, two words were scrolling by, over and over:

Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women Naked Women...

“Wow” I said. Then I looked down at the Identity window at the bottom. “Oh great,” I thought, “it’s just Harvey. I should have guessed.”

I quickly made an adjustment to the secondary dial and set it to More well regarded than Harvey

The display lit up again, this time with:

Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen Naked Firemen...

“Huh?” I checked the Identity window. Just as I suspected, Susie.

This time I was taking no chances. I grabbed a Sharpie™ and wrote on the secondary dial Dark Lord of the Blogsphere

At first, when I hit the start button, nothing appeared. But then, in tiny words, so small that I had to use a magnifying glass to read them, I saw the words:

I wish I had morals…

Well, I guess when you’ve got everything else, you daydream about the one thing that you can never have. And for an undead lawyer ruling the blogsphere with an iron fist, the least attainable thing of all has to be "morals."

Words to live by.

(Of course this could be all made up. It is a filthy lie after all!)

Help me help me!

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly
called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a
quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced
that he was quite experienced at this sort of
thing. He stepped over with almost no look of
concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's
abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though
nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are
you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

PGHA: Advice from the Middle East

Earlier this morning, I just happened to intercept an e-mail to professional Vietnam Veteran and Presidential Candidate, John Kerry from one of his supporters.

It was an accident! I swear! I didn’t do anything illegal. It just showed up in my mailbox. Besides, by the time you get the warrant, I’ll have deleted all of the software anyways.

But without any further ado, here is the letter that I “found.”

From: muqti81@jihad.com

Date: October 6, 2004

To: sweethotpants@ussenate.gov

Subj: Campaign Suggestions

John,

I heard that you and your “buddy” Edwards are having a little trouble dealing with that Bush-Hitler fellow. Here’s a little advice that I think will help.

Whenever I have any competition with the leaders of my people, what I do is invite them to meet me in some out of the way place. Then as soon as there are no witnesses around… Oh wait, Ossama says that he’s tried that with Bush-Hitler and those pesky Secret Service Agents keep getting in the way.

Oh, by the way, Ossama says “Hi.”

OK, I guess that you’ll have to try something else. How about this. Whenever I have to face off against the Americans, I promise everything that they want to hear, but I keep my fingers crossed behind my back so that I can go back on whatever I said. (Silly infidels) When Bush-Hitler wants to debate you, just agree to all of the rules he asks for, and then do whatever you want. He’ll be so busy trying not to look like the bad guy that they won’t make any fuss at what you’re doing. And you don’t need to keep your word to him because no one would believe his side of the story anyways.

Ooh, here’s a good one from Ossama. Call him the “Great Satan” whenever he does something you don’t agree with. (I guess in Ossama’s case, that includes breathing.)

Another thing that I found, is that if you keep all of your guns and bombs in Holy places, they almost never find them. So if you have any secrets that you don’t want Bush-Hitler to get his hands on, I suggest hiding them in your family holy book. I guess that would be a Bible or something for you, but I would suggest using a Qu’ran. Your media won’t say anything bad about a Moslem in your country.

That’s another thing you could do. Convert. If your not too attached to your old religion it’s pretty easy. Just change your name, wrap your women up in a burkah, (an added benefit in Teresa’s case) and there you go. Just think of all of the free press you would get. And anytime the Bush-Hitler disagrees with you. Just call the infidel a religious bigot.

Ossama wants me to say, “Call him Bush-Hitler!” Stupid Ossama. We’ve been doing that for months already. But hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Remember, if you say something enough, the Mainstream Media will believe it has to be true.

Back to the guns and bombs thing, if you have a bunch of not-too-bright followers, the best thing to do is give them a lot of ammunition, a target, and very little support. In your case, I guess that your ammunition would be all of the lies you keep making up about him. Arm a bunch of your not-to-bright followers and just throw them at your opponent. Eventually, either you’ll run out of followers, or you’ll take him down. What have you got to lose? If you don’t win your election, you won’t have any followers anyways.

Ossama’s bugging me again. He says not to keep saying Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. I guess he doesn’t want everyone focusing on him again. I keep telling him not to worry. If you win, you’ll never actually try to catch him. Because to your supporters, just chasing Ossama is “fighting the war on terror.” If you actually caught him, then you would have to do something actually productive. And we know that our mutual friends from Paris wouldn’t like that.

One last thing that I think you should do. Keep talking up the numbers of US soldiers killed in Iraq. I like that 90% number that John-boy Edwards used in his debate. But don’t let them talk about the Iraqi policemen who are killed. We both know that they don’t count, even though my friends and I have killed hundreds of them. Anyways, keep crying about the US soldiers getting killed and I’ll do whatever I can to see that the number keeps going up. That should help your poll numbers a lot.

Keep in touch. And remember, if you get elected, I’m one foreign leader who would love to help you govern Iraq.

Yours truly,

Muqtada al-Sadr

P.S. Ossama would like to know if you could send him some more ketchup. He’s almost out, and the goat-meat is starting to get a little ripe. You know which cave to send it to. Thanks.

I guess that if we see any more of these strategies popping up, we’ll know where they came from.

We’ll also know that I wasn’t able to intercept accidentally get all of the copies of this letter.

Here's what "There's One, Only!" means too.

Also stolen from Harvey.

What GEBIV means to the world?

Hat tip to Harvey.

Big Guns!

There are some good "big gun" discussions going on over at John's Castle Argghhh!

I especially like this post about the A-10's 30mm vulcan cannon. And make sure that you read all of the way to the end of the post! There is a story of a Sargent, and Airman, and a really big gun that you don't want to miss.

You should also check out this post, which goes into the physics of large caliber machine guns.

Here’s one that I heard or read a while back.

Two men were lost in the Sahara Desert. They had gone for days without water, and were just about to give up and die when they saw a strange thing on the horizon. At first, they thought it was just a mirage. But as they got closer, they saw it was a small market set in the middle of the desert.

They staggered up to the first tent. “Water, please.” They begged.

The proprietor said he was sorry, but all he served was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding.

The two men left his tent and stumbled to the next one. Again, when they asked for water, they were told that all that was available was a dessert dish with fruit, cake and pudding. This held true for every tent they went to. Finally, after searching the whole place and not finding any water, they walked off, once again, into the desert in search of water.

As they left, the first man turned and said to his companion, “That was pretty odd. All they had was that fruit, cake and pudding dish.”

To which the second man said, “Yes, it was a Triffle Bazaar.”

The Bills are losers...

How can a team be in a re-building mode for 5 years straight? How can a team go for it on 4th and 3 on their opponents 17 yard line and have the ball go the other way for a touchdown? Can they get any worse?

They say a good team always finds a way to win. The Bills just always find a way to lose.

Another Groaner

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He
tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept foward again.
"Jesus is watching you", the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks again, He was frightened.

Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage
and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.

The burgalar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your
name?" "Moses." said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the buglar. "What idiot named
you Moses?"

The parrot replied "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus"

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn Limericks

Here are my lame contributions to this week’s Filthy Lie.

There once was an Evil Glenn,
Who'd whack hobos now and then.
He’d blend up a puppy,
Drink it like a guppy.
And wipe the red foam off his chin.
(Ok, I know that “chin” doesn’t exactly rhyme, but it’s a nice image anyways.)

Evil Glenn was in a spot,
He had no dog for his pot.
So he grabbed a bunny,
And dipped it in honey.
Then said, “I liked that a lot!”
(Oh, so that’s what he does when the Attack Rabbits fail at their jobs)

An evil man wore white socks,
With his sandals to cover his hocks.
An opera cape,
On his shoulder to drape.
And a top hat crowning his locks.
(This one is my favorite)

The Robot, Evil Glenn does dance.
Or maybe there’s ice in his pants?
Whichever it be,
Disturbing is he.
Could be he’s really from France?
(Now that’s really disturbing… he’s French too?)

Sorry if I don’t have all of the links done yet. I didn’t have as much time to do this as I thought, so I’ll try to link up everything later.