There's One, Only!

Pre-Debate Rules

Just a little pre-debate cartoon humor, courtesy of the geniuses Cox and Forkum.

(Warning: Not safe for anyone with a liberal reading over their shoulder.)

PGHA: Presidential Debate Questions

Just a few potential questions to ask President Bush and Senator Kerry during the upcoming Presidential Debate:

Which of you thinks you would be the most qualified to…

…design women’s clothing?

…guide hikers through the mountains of Chile?

…go shopping for the food needed to feed 3 small children for an long weekend?

…make paper airplanes?

…determine whether or not someone has too large a nose?

...perform elective surgery? ...on yourself?

...hang wallpaper?

...drive NASCAR?

Do either of you know Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, and how it can be used to explain the motion of a curve ball? (This is a trick question, you actually need Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity to do this.)

What is your name?

What is your Quest?

What is your favorite color?

What is the capital of Assyria?

What is the airspeed velocity of a fully laden swallow?

European or African?

And what movie did those questions come from?

Where do you keep your socks, top drawer or bottom?

If you could be any animal in the world, whom would you bite first?

Are any of your daughters available?

Can I get their numbers?

What time should I bring them home?

Paper or plastic?

Boxers or briefs?

Crew or ankle (socks)?

Are you wearing a clip on tie?

If it’s real, did you tie it, or did your wife/butler have to do it for you?

And finally…

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I guess those are pretty non-partisan. We wouldn’t want anyone to think that the debate format was unfair or anything. J

Some thoughts while shopping at Sam's Club

I had to run to Sam's Club today to get supplies for the family business. This is a trip that I generally make once every week. (For those of you who don't have a Sam's Club near you, it's a lot like a Costco warehouse store. For those of you who don't have a Costco near you, there is nothing I can compare it to.)

What struck me this week was the display in their book section. For three weeks after "Unfit for Command" hit number one on all of the top seller lists, it was unavailable. Then, for a short time (less than a week) they had about a dozen copies, set half-way down the aisle. (I quickly snagged a copy for my father) Yet, Kitty Kelly's book, "The Family,"which hasn't even made the top ten list (last I looked anyways), has an end display of about half a pallet of books. It's next closest competition for sheer volume is Bill Clinton's "My Life" (which was discounted to almost half price the moment it hit the shelves... but I digress)

Of course, now that "Unfit for Command" has dropped to number 4 on the list they use, there isn't even any space for it on the shelves. I guess that it is all the publisher's fault, eh. Just think how good the sales would have been if they had actually printed enough books...

On a humorus note, I also noticed that all of the books about sports were right next to the Religious writings section. Makes sense to me ;-)

Happy Birthday!

Just a few Happy Birthday Wishes for my Mom and my brother Culbrez, who were born on the same day, 25 years apart.

Wait a Minute!

This changes everything! Jeff of Au Fait (a possible blogson of Harvey) has proof that Harvey doesn't actually exist. But I think that he is jumping to the wrong conclusion.

What this analysis actually proves is that Bad Example is actually written by the Olsen Twins! If you pay close attention to the blog, you can actually see two different styles of writing. This is especially evident in the "Love Notes" posts. The post itself is usually a thoughtful and romantic statement, which is then almost invariably followed by a crass and crude caveat by the same "Harvey." Obviously, Mary Kate writing the first part, while the much more bitter Ashley adding the comment.

You can also see this in other posts. For example "Harvey" has an obsession with "Graffiti Currency" while also having an obsession with Glenn Reynolds. Two obviously incompatible fixations. Undoubtably, one is the product of one sister's feverish mind, while the other issues from the twisted passions of the other twin.

It explains so much about "Harvey" and "his" demented style of posting.

Update: Some would say that the different spellings of the names Olsen and Olson disprove this entire argument. I say that is just another indication of the lengths that the Olsen Twins are trying to go to protect their annonimity. But their ruse has been exposed!

Kerry was at the signing?!?!

The blogsphere is abuzz with several people saying that Kerry is lying about being in Safwan for the signing of the armistice to end the First Gulf War.

Well, Alphapatriot has proof that the bloggers are wrong. Kerry was there at the signing! (Warning: Extreme Drink Alert in Effect!)

Hat tip John of Castle Argghhh! for the link to Alphapatriot.
Hat tip to SMASH for the link to Captain Ed.

Celebrity Interview

In a There’s One, Only! first, I managed to land an interview with a Kerry Campaign insider. This person has access to all of the Kerry Campaign Think Tank members and is willing to share her information with the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my interview with Olga, the night janitor at the Kerry ’04 Campaign. (What do you want from me? I’m no Frank J., this is about as big a political personage as I’m likely to get.)

GEBIV: So Olga, tell us a little about yourself.

Olga: Well. I was recently hired as the nighttime Sanitation Supervisor for the Kerry Campaign Headquarters. I guess they had to fire the last one after she and Mrs. Heinz-Kerry got into a little argument.

GEBIV: Do you know what it was about?

Olga: From what I heard from the rest of the staff, my predecessor complained of all of the ketchup stains on the carpet in the break room.

GEBIV: And they fired her for that?

Olga: No, they fired her because she said that they should use Hunt’s, because it would be easier to clean up.

GEBIV: Ouch. Not what you want to say to Teresa! So, what information do you have for us about the Kerry Campaign?

Olga: Nothing very up to date, I’m afraid. Most of my information is at least 24 hours old, so it usually has no relationship to what they are doing right now.

GEBIV: I can see what you mean. But how are you getting your information?

Olga: Usually from the trash cans in the conference room. They always have to throw out the previous day’s strategy when they start work each day.

GEBIV: But while that wouldn’t give you much idea of what they are going to do tomorrow, that kind of information would be interesting for telling us where they stood yesterday. Something that can be quite confusing without a score-card of some sort.

Olga: Yes. Exactly. For example, during the CBS Rathergate Memo scandal, I was able to track their policy as it shifted from condemning the President, to claiming no knowledge of the story, to condemning CBS, to supporting Dan Rather, to vowing never having talked to Burkett, to saying that they only talked briefly on the phone.

GEBIV: Wow. Kind of like they don’t know when to stop zig-zagging.

Olga: That’s right. And at the same time, Kerry went from supporting the war on terror and the US allies, to saying that the US doesn’t have any allies, to saying that the US has only puppet allies, to saying that he is the only one who can get allies to join us in the war in Iraq. Which, depending on the time of day, he said was or wasn’t part of the war on terror.

GEBIV: Bewildering. How about his stance on the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth?

Olga: Well, he’s gone from having his people call them attack dogs sent by the President, to saying that his advisors were wrong in keeping him from attacking the Swifties, to saying that it was his advisors idea that he attack them. He still hasn’t tried to refute anything that they have said, mostly because he knows that they are mostly using his own words in their ads.

GEBIV: That hasn’t stopped him before. I mean contradicting his own words is kind of a specialty of his.

Olga: I think that is partly because of his new advisors. The notes that I’ve found in the trash show that they are, or at least were, telling him to show that he is a better war president because of his Vietnam service, while telling him not to bring up his Vietnam service because it invites attacks by those swifties. They’re also telling him to attack the President about his Guard service while saying that the election is not about events that happened 30 years ago.

GEBIV: Quite the convoluted message. One last thing before you go, if you please. You said that you had some of the campaign slogans that they came up with, and eventually discarded. Could you share some of those with us?

Olga: Certainly. Let’s see, there was “Kerry/Edwards ’04. Because you deserve both sides of the issues.” And then there was “Kerry ’04. He supports the troops.” Which was shortly followed by, “Kerry ’04. Because he doesn’t support the war.” Which was followed by, “Kerry ’04. He can win the war in Iraq.” And “Kerry ’04. He’ll get us out of Iraq.” And my favorites, which ran at the same time, “Kerry, the war hero!” and “Kerry, the anti-war hero!”

GEBIV: I imagine that you’ve got quite a collection of bumper stickers.

Olga: Yeah, they throw out a couple of different designs each day. I won’t have to buy duct tape for a couple of years. I just use a magic marker and black out the front, and use it to tape whatever I want. I do have to be careful using it on some things though. It seems that they won’t stick to anything for too long. But it does work well for temporary stuff.

GEBIV: Kind of like Kerry’s presidential dreams. Temporary. Well, thank you very much for letting me do this interview. And please call me if you get anything really interesting.

Olga: I certainly will.

There you have it folks, an interview with someone from deep inside the Kerry campaign.

Oh, and in case any of you were wondering what Olga looks like. (I’m figuring Harvey's thinking about this right now) She’s imaginary, so paint whatever picture you’d like. ;-D

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Spam

In response to this week's Filthy Lie Assignment, I just happened to discover who sent me this. It was none other than Evil Glenn himself.

It just makes you wonder what really goes into those SPAM cans. I've always heard that the cannibals of the South Pacific, after they were forced to end their cannibalism, preferred SPAM to all other forms of meat.

Hmmm... Maybe that's what Evil Glenn is doing with all of those hobo's he's been whacking lately.

Question!

Which would you rather have pop up at the beginning of fall: A sudden onslaught of never before suffered allergies, or a cold?

Allergies:
Pros: Don’t have to worry about getting other’s sick around you. No chance of needing to throw-up.
Cons: Dude, your stuck with them for the season!

Cold:
Pros: Over pretty quick. Good excuse to eat chicken noodle soup and sleep in a little.
Cons: If anyone else gets sick at work, it’s your fault so you have to cover for them. That throwing up thing. (Not necessarily going to happen, but always a possibility.) Don’t get sick days, so have to show up for work anyways.

Well, what do you think?

PGHA: More Bush Memos from CBS

In a press release made earlier this morning, CBS news has announced that it has come into the possession of more memos, which relate to President Bush’s past. These memos are said to prove, among other things:

* Bush lied about his age to get into the National Guard. He was really only 17.

* Bush once kicked a dog.

* Bush used two mulligans in one round of golf.

* Bush once dressed as a penguin for a Halloween party.

* Bush has only ONE left foot!

* Bush secretly paid McDonalds to increase the fat content of their burgers to give former President Clinton heart disease.

* Bush owns a 1970 Selectric typewriter.

* Bush can’t splel.

* Bush once ate the entire contents of a family size bag of Doritos while watching a rugby game while wearing a pink tutu.

* Bush’s real name is Hitler Wannabe.

* Bush secretly married thirteen different women in Florida to get their votes in the 2000 election.

* Bush owns a chalet in Aspen… Oops, that ones about Kerry.

* Bush once cheated in a game of chutes and ladders when he was 5 years old.

* Bush failed a pop-quiz in math in 5th grade.

* Bush never learned how to eat with chopsticks.

* Bush had smelly feet when he was in the National Guard.

* Bush used an endangered species of turtle to wax his father’s car when he was in High School.

* Bush had surgery to remove his horns.

* Same for his tail, too.

* Only a complete doofus, (as defined by the Liberal College Association of America) would vote for Bush.

All of this and more will be shown on the next installment of 60 Minutes. (Or as soon as they can get the latest batch of documents past their experts.)

(This public announcement was brought to you by the Alliance of the Free Bloggers.)
Instapundo Delenda Est!

Laughing even more Maniacaly

Here's another great illustration of Kerry's stance on the war. OK, it's not so much an illustration as a comercial being put out by the Bush campaign. But it's doggon funny!

(Hat tip Owen of Boot's and Sabres)

Laughing Maniacaly

There's a great cartoon over at Cox And Forkum.com.

It goes well with the speach Kerry made today about having "one position on Iraq."

If he doesn't stop flip flopping so much, he'll give himself whiplash.

Avast!

It snuck up on me, but tomorrow is the second annual International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

So polish up your eyepatches, buckle up your swashes and strap on your peg-legs.

Arrrrrr.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn Haiku

Sitting on his throne.

Linking to many others.

Controls the Blogsphere.

Blending small puppies
Sipping the foul energy
Puppy tail stirrers

Whacking the Hobos,
Louisville Slugger swinging.
Skulls smash like melons.

Dance the Robot now!
Electrocute the masses.
All souls are now cursed.

Installanche I beg.
Server crashes from the load
Blogsphere fame, mine.

Penguins abused there.
Waterfowl screams fill the air.
Evil Fortress screens.

One, two, three, four, five
One, two, three, four, five, six, sev’n
Five, four, three, two, one.
(OK, that’s not about Evil Glenn. I just like it.)

Enslaving bloggers.
Promising gifts of linkage.
Controls their numbers.

Frank J getting punched.
Samurai yells for his gun.
Evil Glenn runs away.

Vampire lawyer types.
“Indeed.” “Heh.” His signature.
Types very little.

White socks and sandals
Wearing an opera cape
Top hat hides his horns

Frank J’s enemy.
Bane of Blogger Alliance.
Fun to lie about.

Wow.

I was just kidding when I wrote this.

But it looks like they are really coming out with one. It just happens to be coming out at the end of September.

It loooks like they only have Part 1 of my idea so far. I'll let you know if they follow through with the rest.

Oh man! Is this guy in trouble.

Found this over at Castle Argghhh.

Take a good look at this Lt Col (maybe Lt by now...)

Then read the next post by Instapilot.

The comments are good for a laugh too.

PGHA: Kerry's Popularity

In a desperate move to increase his falling popularity, John Kerry tries to latch on to the video game craze…

Introducing:

Part 1
In this new first person shooter, you start as a young lieutenant on a Swiftboat in the jungles of Vietnam. Your adventures lead you up and down the rivers, (and possibly in and out of Cambodia) as you try to earn medals. Use the instant replay function to better document your heroics. Bonus points for atrocities committed by your crew. But remember, three purple hearts, and this part of your quest is over.

Part 2
Now you are back in the United States as a war protester. Here, you must weave in and out of protests and talks with possible enemies of the US without leaving any incriminating evidence of collusion. This level culminates with you throwing (or not) your medals over the Whitehouse fence.

Part 3
In this next exciting level, you are the Junior Senator from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Here, you must navigate the halls of Congress without becoming involved with any legislation that might hurt your re-election. Perfect the art of sitting on comities without ever actually being present. If you survive 19 years without ever being linked to any major piece of legislation, you can go on to…

Part 4
Now, you are a Presidential candidate. Here you must become the master of double talk. Learn to say whatever you think the group you are speaking to wants to hear. Run on your experiences of 30 years earlier, while dodging any criticism of those actions. Complain of your opponents digging up the past while never ceasing your own statements bringing up your own heroics in Vietnam.

Bonus Features
Use the Save Game Editor to alter earlier events. This allows you to change your story to suit your whims. You can use this as many times as you like, but remember, the original story can pop up when you least expect it.

The 527 add on can be very useful in the final level. But remember, once activated, it can be used by your opponents as well.

Wife Upgrade can be done when necessary, but make sure to pick the one with the highest property value.

Happy Birthday Harvey!

Harvey, my adopted blog-father, has a request for his birthday on the 14th. He wants pictures. Specifically, pictures of boobies. Since he’s a pervert, I kind of expected that.

Normally, I would have nothing to do with such a thing. But I need the traffic. And he promised to link to anyone who posted such pictures on their site for him.

So, in the extended entry, you’ll find the pictures for him.

(Don't worry, they're work safe)

Happy Birthday, Harvey!

Just a couple of bad jokes I heard somewhere

Two Blondes in a Fire

Two blondes realize that their apartment is
on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together,"
said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"

Career Dreams

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your
son decided what he wants to be when he grows
up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,"
replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded,
"That's a rather strange ambition to have for
a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that
garbage collectors only have to work on Tuesdays!"

9/11 Remembered

This is from the Cox & Forkum site.

Just remember, our government's job is not merely the punishment of those who did this. But it is also the prevention of this happening to more innocents.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Fortune

The message was short and simple. Find out what message of the future Evil Glenn had received from the Gypsy Fortune Teller.

Tricky, I thought. But I can do it.

I quickly gathered the supplies that I thought I would need.

30 yards of 3-ply nylon rope
2 rolls of duct tape
Swiss Army knife
Back-up Swiss Army knife
Shovel
Deck of cards
2 saltwater clams
The August, 1973 issue of Popular Mechanics
3 rolls of toilet paper
A packet of mustard
Another Back-up Swiss Army knife
A roll of Tums
Two Lemmings
A flashlight
3 band-aids
73¢ in change, Canadian
And a dill pickle

Once I had my supplies all set, I headed over to Evil Glenn’s Fortress Of Evil™.

Three hours later, I had almost made my way into Evil Glenn’s inner sanctum. But I was running out of time and equipment. I was down to ten feet of duct tape, my back-up back-up Swiss Army knife, and one poker card left tucked up my sleeve. It was like he had known I was coming and had set every trap in his Fortress to catch me.

With a final sprint, I made it into his inner sanctum. There was a sheet of parchment lying on his desk.

I picked it up and read:

Insta-prophesy for the Blogsphere Overlord.

Great Glenn,

On the tenth day of the ninth month of this year, an Alliance of Free Bloggers member will break into your Fortress Of Evil™ and steal this insta-prophesy.

Beware the club.

-Evil Hench-Gypsy #42

As I finished reading and stuffed the parchment into my satchel, I heard an evil laugh from behind me.

“You think you’ve won, don’t you?”

I could only shudder at the sound of what I knew to be Evil Glenn.

“Put your hands in the air. And drop any weapons you have.” He said, as I slowly turned to face him.

My knife clattered to the floor. And I stood there facing him. He was holding what looked like a large food processor and was pointing it directly at my chest.

“Where is the club that the prophecy mentioned?” He asked.

Quickly whipping the playing card out of my shirt-sleeve, I spun it at him with a flick of my wrist. It stuck in his forehead, directly between his eyes, and knocked him unconscious. As I ran past him to the exit, I could see that it was the four of clubs.

Good prophesy I thought. Just hope I have enough duct tape to get out of here.

ITS MINE! ALL MINE! BWAA HA HA HA!

Just got the statement in the mail today that officially closes the loan account on my Jeep.

I have to admit that I was a little worried that I'd forget to make that last payment of $7 and they would come and reposses it. ;-)

Now I just have to find someone who wants to ride around in it with me...

PGHA: What do the protestors want?

This weeks PGH Assignment was pretty straightforward. What do the protestors want?

I thought long and hard about this and this is what I came up with:

They want freedom from a Fascist Government that won’t let them say what they…
Oh wait, if that was true, they wouldn’t be able to protest. Never mind.

They want peace. That’s why they threaten to disrupt the police and severely beat anyone who disagrees with them.
Oh Kay… never mind.

They want respect. That’s why they are willing to parade naked through the streets of New York City.
Yeah right. That’ll get you respect. Maybe in San Francisco.

They want the truth. And they’ll say anything to get it…
Is anyone else getting confused here?

They want justice. And they’ll break any law to see that they get it.
OK, this is the only one that I see actually happening. It’s just, they never recognize incarceration for their crimes as justice.

The want to be heard. That’s why we have been listening to them for 40 years.
Now that we’ve heard them, why won’t they shut up?

They want to get rid of the state controlled media.
Yeah, ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, CNN are all realllllly friendly to the President.

You know what? I don’t think that they really know what they want. So what do we care. It’s not like they’ll ever stop protesting. Even if they could figure out what they really want, and they were given it.

Oops

Looks like they had everything figured out. But someone forgot to check the chute.

Nice looking crater though.

This is how you DONT do it

I guess what they say is true.

Those who can, do.

Those who can't, teach.

Good thing it wasn't one of these.

Monty Python: The Candidate Sketch

There's a great adaptation of the classic Parrot sketch by Monty Python over here at A Large Regular.

A must read for Monty Python Lovers. Warning: Drink alert.

Found through One Hand Clapping, by Donald Sensing.

King Kong Remake

Director Peter Jackson, winner of three Oscars for the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, will be the driving force behind a new remake of the classic film, “King Kong.”

Some notable changes will be made to the script, including the addition of a rag-tag band of adventurers who help the new central character, a midget with pointy ears, travel to the distant land of Kong’s origins and cast the “One Banana Peel” into a large blender in order to destroy Kong’s power.

When asked if his “Lord of the Rings” success may have affected his movie making style, Jackson replied, “What do you mean by that? There’s no Gandalf in this movie. And anyone who says that the Gendelf character is just a knock off is crazy.” Jackson’s supporters back his claims by pointing out that the Gandalf character has a pointy hat and a long beard, while Gendelf has a pointy beard and a long hat.

Critics are quick to say that this is just crass marketing and commercialization of a classic movie. But many were even quicker to recant their statements after a visit from Jackson’s Nazgul promotions department.

In addition to the “minor” script changes, Jackson has plans to film the entire movie on location in New Zealand. In order to prevent copywrite infringement, the climactic scene of King Kong climbing the Empire State Building will be changed to one where he climbs the Umpire State Building, which is now under construction in Jackson’s hometown of Wellington.

While the movie will not be released until December 2005, merchandise such as action figures and trading cards will be available for the holidays this year.

Clinton in the Hospital

You know, when Reagan passed away, lots of people noticed the bumb in the polls that Bush seemed to get. A few people wondered if Carter would be willing to take one for the team for the Dems.

Bill Clinton just was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery. Coincidence?

Awful funny timing so close to the Republican Convention...

Someone on FOXNews speculated that the heart problem could be a result of straining trying to lift his new "Autobiography"

I'll try to link when some of the news sites get info... Here's one

Update:Now they're saying that he only went to the hospital for TESTS.

Still think that the timing is a little fishy...

Also, no word from Hillary. Guess she's busy trying to hide all of the "Cheese Whiz" brand hypodermic needles she's been using on him.

More Updates: Apparently, he just started having chest pains in the last couple of days. Right about the time Zell Miller was speaking...

Even More Updates: OK. Now his office has just released an announcement that he will be having quadruple bypass surgery soon, but no exact time or date given.

Another Update: Sorry if I sounded a little unconcerned or nasty. I know how seriouse heart disease can be. I'm sure that everyones prayers are that the former President will have a complete and speedy recovery.

PGHA: Kerry's Secret Plan

I was sitting in the Laundromat alone, waiting for my delicates to get done, when I heard a strange buzzing sound. I looked around, but couldn’t quite make out where it was coming from. Finally, after several minutes of searching for the source, I discovered that it seemed to be coming from the Capacity Dryer. I stuck my head inside and was just able to make out a small note taped to the back of the basket.

Insert 25¢

Intrigued, I followed the instruction. Nothing happened. I looked back inside the dryer and saw a second note partly covered by the first one.

You have to close the door too.

As soon as I did, the basket started revolving and a recorded message started playing.

“Agent GEBIV. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to discover what John F’n Kerry’s secret plan to win the war in Iraq is. This assignment is of the utmost importance, so no failure will be accepted. If you are discovered, we will not be able to assist you in any way. So our advice would be to not get caught. Anything that you say or publish in the media, will of course be denied (stupid McCain-Feingold act), so don’t embarrass us.

“Oh, and most importantly…”

The quarter ran out, and the dryer stopped spinning. Stupid Harvey. Can’t get the message to fit on one quarter’s worth of dryer time. But I figured that I would need to know what else the message said, so I dug out my last quarter and dropped it in the slot.

“…good luck!

“This message will self destruct in…”

I didn’t wait for the countdown but dove through the glass window front of the Laundromat.

***BOOM***

The explosion threw me across the parking lot and into the back seat of my Jeep. (Fortunately, the top was down, so no damage done.) As I crawled into the front seat and watched the unmentionables drifting down from the sky, I knew that it was once again, time for another…

MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE!
(Cue Theme Music)

I figured that the best source for John Kerry’s “secret plan” would be from the Democratic Candidate himself. So, I got into my rattiest clothes and tried to infiltrate the nearest DNC meeting where as fortune would have it, John Kerry just happened to be speaking that night. And luckily for me, the program indicated that he would finally be sharing his “secret plan” to win the war in Iraq.

Unfortunately, this was a fundraising event, and they didn’t want anyone as scummy looking as I was to attend. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t have the $5000 cover charge.

There was only one thing left to do. I had to dip into what was left of the “Graffiti Currency” I had stolen from Harvey. I had just enough left to rent a tux, a limo, buy a tape recorder, a few DVD’s (for the limo ride), take a few friends out for lunch at a swanky downtown restaurant, get some new tires for the Jeep, and cover the $5000 per plate dinner for the fundraiser.

Kerry was just getting up to the podium to speak as I was sitting down to eat. Not wanting to waste a good piece of rubber chicken (That’s what I assumed it was, the knife wouldn’t cut it, and three tines broke off of the fork), I threw it at him from the dark corner where I was sitting. No one noticed it fly threw the air, and when it hit Kerry in the head, he looked down at his notes, and apparently not seeing any pre-planned responses to such an occurrence, didn’t say a thing. (It stayed stuck in the side of his hairdo for most of the rest of the night, and was actually the liveliest thing on stage until the dancing lemurs came on. But I digress…)

He then began his speech:

“My fellow Americans. I come to you today with a plan to bring the two Americas together. But I can’t tell you it at the moment, because that too is a secret plan. Instead, I will tell you of the other secret plan I have for ending the war in Iraq. A war not unlike the one I both fought for and against in Vietnam, where I received three Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, and a Silver Star.

“This plan will begin when I have been elected President of the United States, in recognition of the Leadership Qualities that I learned while serving in Vietnam.

“First, I will sit down in the Oval Office, and replace the “W” on the keyboard, which my true predecessor, Albert Gore has given to me. Then, I will be able to go online and type. www.endthewar.com. An action that my opponent, the man who failed to serve his country by joining the Texas National Guard, cannot and will not take.

“Next, I will click the “YES” button on the display asking “Do you want to end the war now?” This will set into motion, the actions of my plan.

“Immediately following my clicking “YES”, in the same manner I learned to pull the trigger of my M-16 while defending America in the jungles of Vietnam, a small red light will turn on deep inside a building in the city of Baghdad. This light will startle a small family of rodents living in the basement of that building, causing them to run out into the living quarters.

“A large cat will chase the rats as the scurry across the floor, pulling on the string tied to its collar. This string will squeeze the trigger of a small caliber pistol, firing one round at a target across the street.

“When the target is hit, a clown sitting on a board will be dropped into a large vat of water. The splash from the clown falling will spill over into a series of gutters, which lead to a cactus growing outside. The water will cause the cactus to bloom, attracting bees. These bees will in turn attract several birds. The birds, once they have eaten all of the insects will fly back to their nests and roost for the night.

“The birds, now heavy from all of the insects they have eaten, will tip the balanced board that their nests are resting on, releasing a catch holding a rope with a concrete block tied to the end. The rope, which snakes through a series of pulleys, will pull the tail of an angry camel tied outside the house.

“The angry camel will run through the streets dropping loaves of bread from the pack on its back. The hungry people of Baghdad will run out and grab the bread and take it home to their families. Once they have eaten the bread, they will read the message on the paper that was baked inside the bread. This message will tell the people of Iraq that the only way for them to be free is to arrest Saddam Hussein.

“The grateful people of Iraq will then arrest Saddam and his two sons and the war with Iraq will be over.”

A small man with a worried look on his face ran up on stage and whispered to Kerry, who apparently forgot that the mic was still on.

“What do you mean the camel got away? …And they ate the paper too?”

More whispering.

“What do you mean they already captured Saddam? And his son’s are what? When?”

More whispering.

“Why aren’t I informed of these things?”

More whispering. And a cringe

“Security briefings? What security briefings? Don’t they know that I served in Vietnam?!?!

“JEEVES! Slap this man.”

As Kerry’s butler trudged across the stage to deliver some undeserved physical abuse to the campaign flunky, I decided that it was time to leave.

If I hurry, I thought, I can still get the deposit back on this tux.